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Original poster

If you were at SAHM and the kids now go to school....

154 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 06/10/2022 21:06

What are you?

My youngest go to school January, and I'm just thinking when people do the "so what do you do?" question, can I reasonably say SAHM without looking like I'm taking the p given they'll be in school 9-3 five days a week?

Lady of leisure? Ha I wish
Student? I'm only studying part time so doesn't seem reasonable
Economically inactive? Well I like to SPEND it!!

So do I just say "nothing, sent the kids to school, don't have a job"

OP posts:
Jumperoo56370000 · 07/10/2022 08:58

Honestly, you should say you are studying part-time and looking after the kids. It doesn’t have to be so complicated!

UnagiForLife · 07/10/2022 09:02

You can say I’m studying part time. They ask what you’re studying, conversation goes from there. It’s such an awkward question when people ask what you do and you’re a stay at home parent even when they’re young. I used to say I’ve got small children at home and they keep me busy but it was always a conversation stopper. Must be difficult to know what to say when they’re older and are school but really it’s nobodies business what you do and if you have the luxury of doing as you please all day while they’re at school then lucky you, anyone who is judgey and says “but what do you do all day?!” Is just jealous in my opinion.

JuniperStJames · 07/10/2022 09:03

Just say, I don’t work outside the home’

because you don’t. And what you do inside the home is frankly no one else’s business.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
anexcellentwoman · 07/10/2022 09:04

Most people still accept that some women never return to work after being a SAHM. It is interesting to compare the comments on this thread with the ones on another current thread about a SAHD who never returned to work.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4620305-the-beginning-of-the-end

Many women would find it hard to tolerate a man who did not work and contribute financially. Just look at the comments on the thread above.
I agree with @Chanttotheprince . Many lone parents do everything and still work full time.

JuniperStJames · 07/10/2022 09:05

If people ask me what do I do all day, I say ‘whatever I want to really’ with a big smile.

Sunnysideup999 · 07/10/2022 09:05

Just say you’re retraining or
I study part time around looking after the kids

JuniperStJames · 07/10/2022 09:06

Look, everyone’s circumstance are different. And no one’s is right or wrong, it’s just how it is for your family. I don’t judge others and I expect the same in return. It’s just basic manners

UnagiForLife · 07/10/2022 09:08

JuniperStJames · 07/10/2022 09:05

If people ask me what do I do all day, I say ‘whatever I want to really’ with a big smile.

Perfect answer.

Emeraldgreenjewel · 07/10/2022 09:08

I judge rude, abrasive, sneering people. Rightly so.

CloudPop · 07/10/2022 09:36

@Nightynightnight thanks, yes you understood my point.

YumYummy · 07/10/2022 09:39

Either say you are studying or not working at the moment.

ggmom87 · 07/10/2022 09:45

Chanttotheprince · 06/10/2022 22:42

I say I'm a stay at home mum. Because I am! I do the house stuff during the day, I do school pick ups (DH does drop off). I cook the evening meal, I make packed lunches, I do all the life admin, I make appointments and ferry kids to clubs. Being a SAHM is a valid choice!

up to you what you do but I am a mum and a single one and do all of that with a full time job. So stay at home all you want but don’t pretend it’s a job choice. In answer to the original question I would say ‘I don’t work’. Being a mum hasn’t got much to do with it has it?

This response is precisely why I cannot be honest with people about my decisions. I’ve been in the OP’s position for over a year, and the honest truth is I have more time and energy for my family because I don’t work outside the home. None of us can make more time and energy, so if I was working, I’d have less of myself to give.
I like being able focus solely on my home and family, and still feeling like there’s enough energy and time for myself too. But the
choice to stay home is often invalidated by those who think “Well I do all of that AND I work”. Sorry but I think I can do it better because, well, I’m giving literally all my hours to it like a full time job
🤷🏻‍♀️ Neither choice is wrong but both are valid.

ggmom87 · 07/10/2022 09:49

ShoeTheDoor · 07/10/2022 08:20

Long term SAHM here. If you say I don't work then people start telling you about jobs they have seen especially school ones like lunch time assistant. If you say SAHM then it implies you are not looking for work. You are not unemployed as that suggests not working but actively looking for and wanting work. It doesn't matter how many times you tell people you are not looking for work people seem to think you should be doing something. I don't want to tell some randoms from the playground that I have a disability and so can't work.

For you, SAHM covers it or tell them you are a student.

Yep that about covers it. Which is why I still call myself a SAHM.

Nizanb · 07/10/2022 09:52

I’ve been in the OP’s position for over a year, and the honest truth is I have more time and energy for my family because I don’t work outside the home. None of us can make more time and energy, so if I was working, I’d have less of myself to give.
I like being able focus solely on my home and family, and still feeling like there’s enough energy and time for myself too.

Yes, it's like people who say "well I did my A-Levels and had a hobby and I worked part-time on top, so why can't other teenagers?"

Of course everyone could theoretically manage the home and work, and if you have to you just get on with it. But you have a finite amount of energy and focus, and if you are spreading yourself thinly then some people won't be giving their all in every aspect of their life, or they'll just be exhausted all the time. I don't think it's wrong to say that you choose (if you are able) to not work so that you are able to have more energy for these things.

I didn't have a job as a teenager because I wouldn't have had the energy to do as much studying as I did and work on top of it. Any free time I would have had would have been spent catching up on stuff or sleeping, not being able to see my friends or have relaxing time to myself to recharge. The same goes for many people who make the choice to focus on the home and life admin and cooking, school run etc I would imagine.

TeenDivided · 07/10/2022 09:57

I became a SAHM when my DC arrived. My youngest is still in college and I'm still a SAHM, my DH is retired.
My life is still massively impacted by my DC due to some specific needs, e.g. she is unable to use the college bus so I drive her to college, she needs taking to therapy, she needs to be able to contact me during the college day.
As and when she stops needing so much of me (and I can make arrangements without thinking of her, or that I might need to cancel short notice), I'll reclassify myself as retired.

MrsMorrisey · 07/10/2022 10:05

I'd just say I don't work. If you're studying you could say that but I wouldn't overthink it.
Your worth is not determined on other people opinions.

Favouritefruits · 07/10/2022 10:09

My youngest started school in September, I still call myself a SAHM I’m still doing the boring jobs like cleaning, shopping, washing but the kids are at school, then I’m ferrying them about to their activities after school and weekends so nits much changed other than having the children at home all day.

Shelby1981 · 07/10/2022 10:15

Housewife

AngelsWithSilverWings · 07/10/2022 10:15

I don't feel comfortable with using SAHM now my kids are 14 and nearly 17 . If people ask I say I don't work anymore as I gave up when the kids were young and never went back.

If they press me I explain that every time I thought about going back to work something happened with the kids to prevent it happening.

If they press further and I'm feeling chatty I'll explain about my DS's struggles with his mental health as a young teen and my DD's chronic long term health condition that takes up a lot of my time.

I often add that I worked for 20 years in a high pressure job and was actually quite pleased to escape it! ( although I do miss it sometimes)

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 07/10/2022 10:16

Lazy gamer with a bit of house work in between.

RiverSkater · 07/10/2022 10:17

Misguided or naive. Seriously, just don't rely on anybody else financially , even your husband. It can all turn in a moment or a head being turned.

The longer you are out of the workplace the harder it is to get back,

AngelsWithSilverWings · 07/10/2022 10:18

Meant to add that when form filing I opt for not in employment , or homemaker. Whichever option fits best.

Buttons294749 · 07/10/2022 10:27

You're a SAHM
I get home about 0940am and leave for pick up at 2.15, so having a 4.5 hr break doesnt really count as unemployed (i also work part time)

atotalshambles · 07/10/2022 10:28

I was listening to a talk on YouTube a couple of days ago which suggested that life for women has actually got worse for lots of women. This chat seems to confirm it - if you are not working full-time , rushing back from work, cooking and cleaning etc.. then you are lazy etc.. whereas 50 years ago it would have been a legitimate life choice. Do what you want to do OP. I have got friends who work, full-time, part-time and don't work and absolutely do not judge other life choices. Honestly, if someone is your friend they really don't care.

Thinkbiglittleone · 07/10/2022 10:41

Describe yourself however you choose. How others view you is up to them and a great indicator for who that Person is.

If they are friend I'm assuming they don't care and you don't need to explain anything.
If it's a random just chatting, if thru are going to negatively judge you based on your choice to work or not without knowing you, let them judge you and let them walk on by, you don't want people like that in your life.

I would probably say I remained at home. If someone asked "what do you do for work" i might say something like ,"I don't have time for a job, little laugh, I didn't return after the kids"

I have never asked anyone what they do for a living unless they mention "oh at work" or something relating to their work, I then say, oh what do you do? Nor has anyone asked me unless I mention it first.
We are Normally chatting about other things.

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