The beginning of the end???

[lostat37]

I have lurked on this page for years and must have read hundreds of posts but never posted my own story…… until now

Im not sure why now is my time to post? Maybe to validate my decision? Maybe to just get it down how I’m feeling? Or maybe to just tell the same story that I have ready so many times before 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

This is a long one so buckle in…..

I met my DH when I was 15…. 22 years later we have 3 children with the eldest going off to uni this year.

If I’m honest with myself things haven’t been right for years but for the last 12 months it has felt like I’m on a conveyor belt at yo sushi!!!

We have a relationship that when it’s good it’s really good but when it’s bad it’s intolerable.

Over the last few years the bad times are frequently outweighing the good.

If I’m honest I think that over the years a huge amount of resentment has grown (probably mainly from my side) I
have always been very career driven and consider like working.

My husband hasnt ever settled in a job and mainly always worked for family, he was a stay at home dad (minus the mental load which I continued to do) when the kids were little as it was cheaper than childcare but when the children got older he just didn’t ever want to go back to the workplace.

We tried to accommodate this by purchasing a property that required renovation with the plan for him to renovate it whilst I worked.

Nearly a decade later we are still living in practically a building site, no ceilings, lack of heating, temporary kitchen etc

It has got to the point that every argument and row has become very tit for tat and our relationship seems to be a
constant scoring exercise…. Classic examples well you didnt wash up so I’m not doing this or you didn’t get up at 8am so I’m not doing anything until 8am etc.

I continue to work full time whilst he continues to just potter around with no structure to his day.

Whenever I ask why the house isn’t done the response I get is ‘well I’m not sitting on my arse all day’!He won’t make a plan, won’t tell me when it will be finished etc. whenever I raise the subject I’m just accused of moaning or complaining.

He does zero of the mental load, does about 40% of the house work and zero financial contribution to our household.

However expects his share of what is left after household bills each month to stash away. This is HIS money and never gets touched, I am routinely dipping into my share to pay for holidays, birthdays, things the kids need etc.

His days are spent pottering, evenings going out with mates and the gym.

I keep thinking is this what my life has come to? And is it unadir that I now just want out?

I have discussed separation with him and his response is that if I’m not happy just go,

I have discussed selling up, buying something that is done and him getting a job…. His response is that you will just find something else to moan about.

I just feel lost…. I have spent my entire adult life with him but am really not happy…..I know I must go but a part of me is just worried of the unknown.

I’m sorry to ramble on and not really sure what I’m expecting from posting this.

I just feel so lost.

You’re going to waste your life if you stay with this freeloader. He’s using you. He’ll never admit it. He’ll never change. When you eventually crack, you’ll get a mixed response of anger from him and despair over having to pay his own way by himself. He’ll then try to get you back by making temporary half hearted efforts before it goes back to you having to parent him again. Sorry to be so bleak but the dynamics of your relationship are set now and they’ll never change.

I'd be telling him to sling his hook.

Stop giving him money! Tell him yours is going to be used to finance getting the work finished and if he wants any money to dip in his savings. What a cocklodger!

Life is too short to waste another minute with a loser like this. What you accept will merely continue until you change it.

its just crap…. Even my eldest says dad is lazy, he will never get a job….. but when I raise it with DH he makes me think I’m being unreasonable and in the wrong for asking how he has spent his day etc.

He has told me he can’t do our house and work…. But when he isnt working he also isn’t doing the house. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

although most of our rows were originally about the house nowadays they are about literally everything. Classic example… babe whilst im making you a sandwich would you mind unloading the dishwasher? His response ‘well that’s a bit tit for tat’ I end up doing the dish washer myself.

On our way to the car…. babe can you carry this bag as it’s hurting my arm (a bag with his stuff in too) his response no because I’m driving….when we get to the car. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

If we have a trivial disagreement about something he will go on and on and on for days until I just say ok your right I’m wrong.

im just exhausted.

I also think for me a HUGE part of just giving up on our marriage is that I have no idea what being an ‘adult’ looks like without him.

does that sound sad?

What is a cokloadger? Sorry for asking…. Googling now

Sorry, op, but you are the maker of your own misery. You know exactly how useless this man is and how pointless you marriage is, yet you continue to stay with him. You need him for literally nothing. Stop wasting your life and get rid of him.

Your husband. He is the poster child for cocklodger. And you have allowed it.

A cocklodger is a man who sponges off a woman - like your dh. All take and no give. He is also a miserable, controlling git.

You are clearly more than capable of being a very competent adult without him. Gather together all the financial information you can find - shouldn’t be hard as it’s all your money but do include ‘his’ savings as they are a marital asset - and go and see a solicitor to see what the split could be. Be prepared to move out of the marital building site and you will find it much easier than trying to throw him out.

Thank-you…. Hopefully that is my plan moving forward as he won’t leave.. as far as he is concerned it’s HIS house (even though he has never made a mortgage payment) and it’s my decision to split up not his so I should be the one to move

To be honest I hate the house so much and can’t stand living there a second longer…… however our youngest is 14 and would want to stay with DH so I expect to still be paying for the house for at least another 4 years.

I just don’t know how I have let it come to this as I’m every other aspect of my life I’m a strong and Independent woman.

As mush as I totally despise him I just can’t imagine a life where he is there….. does that sound stupid?

Apologies for the typos

I agree. He is a monumental freeloader, cocklodger and CF!

No need to stay in a building site. You and dc should be enjoying life in a normal home without him bringing you down.

And I’d stop giving him pocket money right now.

Yes, what would happen if you stopped paying your salary into the joint account and then the leftovers from the joint account to his account? It would make a sharp point.

Do it. He sounds so, so awful. You are a strong woman and you will be fantastic living in your smaller, completely finished flat or house pottering around with the radio on, kids coming in and out. Imagine.

I have actually on occasion just stopped and he just refuses to pay anything or dip into what he considers to be HIS money.

Things then get behind and I’m left struggling to catch up.

The thing I always get is well I gave up work to bring up the kids, I’m not sitting around all day doing nothing etc etc

Whenever I try and express how I’m feeling or call him out on his behavior I get it all turned back on me. Well you haven’t done this, it wasn’t like that. For example I will say I’m upset about this and he will be like ‘you can’t be upset as its not like that, or I didn’t do this’

it makes me think I’m going crazy at times.

sex is completely out the window and he just pesters and pesters, then I get comments like well if we had more sex I would be happier and do the work to the house. Or I will only make an effort to the house if you make an effort to have sex etc….

I think for me I just need to get past this hard bit and stick to my decision to leave. He is currently sulking and making life hellish. It’s obviously all my fault as always….

I also want to ensure a separation agreement is in place before I leave the marital building site.

You are married and long marriage so everything is joint. Before you do anything suggest you see a solicitor and also look at the MCA section 25 which will give you an idea of what will happen.

I split from my ex when my eldest urged me to do so and I realised how much they were affected too. Sometimes keeping it together for the DC is not a good idea.

You might end of worse than you were financially initially but sounds like ultimately better off not to mention happier.

Just to add when I say joint this includes matrimonial home, any savings, debts and pensions

OP - you are only 37. At your age many women just finally settle down and are having a baby. You - have lived a full life and have almost finished raising your kids.
This is impressive!!!!

It is also very clear that you have outgrown your partner long time ago. You met at 15.
You were kids and fit together as kids.
If you met him now - you’d not given him half a chance.

Most importantly - you have a long life ahead of you. And you are still young. And, you don’t have your biological clock ticking. You can be free and meet a new partner - if that is what you’d like. Or you can just live
for yourself and enjoy life. You can do pretty much anything you want.

You just need to finally find a little bit more strength and accept what you know. You need to separate - sell the house, divide what assets there are and start your new life. Your H is useless and he is using you.
He’ll never change.

You are married to a man child with zero sense of responsibility and is not contributing to the marriage or childcare. Bear in mind this is a role model for the dc and they are watching him get away with all this.

He will not change, he is choosing a path of least resistance and has his lifestyle funded entirely by you.

You will have to make the changes but it will be worth it.

Thanks everyone for your helpful and supportive comments.

I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is just taking that last step, we have had the conversation so many times over the last year but some how he always draws me back in and then I feel like im at square one.

My friends must be so tiresome of me by now as I have been indecisive for so long.

I know deep down I can do another 20 years of this??

In hindsight I always thought staying for the kids was what was best but as they are becoming young adults and starting relationships of their own I can see some of the damage I/we have done.

I do also think also it’s strange that lots of people my age are just starting out with first homes, marriages, children etc and appreciate that I am literally at an age where I could do anything.

One thing though for sure is I NEVER want to get married again and NEVER want someone to financially rely on me.

I would sell the house asap. Prices will eventually stall or at least slow down and sale made more difficult, with rising interest rates and a recession.
You have nothing to gain from staying with this man. Perhaps you could agree 50:50 with your youngest if your youngest would agree. Living in a house with no ceiling etc must have an impact on your dc surely?

This is so familiar to me.
You get ground down, even though you know logically that he won't change.
You are unfortunately in a dynamic that cannot change until the relationship ends.
You are facilitating the behaviour that is enraging you.

It took me years to finally leave. It was the best thing I ever did.
He will be entitled to approximately half of all equity (depending upon solicitors). He won't be entitled to spousal support- he's totally capable of working.
I was 38. My kids and I were so much happier immediately. He wasn't, but he coped and actually became a functional member of society afterwards.

10 years on we are good friends and coparent reasonably well.

Don't waste any more time trying to change this relationship. It's not helping anyone.

So we have had the discussion….. it isn’t what he wants at all and I’m now getting but I love you, I will change, your throwing it all way, I would rather us be unhappy and together as there’s a change it will get better, I heart broken etc….

then in the next breathe…. There will be loads of people who will want to f*ck your but no one will stay with you because of how you are 🙈

I have told him that I will be moved out by the end of September (I’m going to stay with family for a few months until I find something) and will continue to pay half the mortgage plus CMS (the kids are all teenagers and likely to want to stay put) until the youngest is 18.

we have agreed to tell the kids together Saturday…..but to be honest I don’t think it will come as a shock to them at all.

Bloody well done OP. Fabulous adulting! You're 100% doing the best thing for everyone. He will have to grow up, your DC will be so much happier a free an initial period of confusion and anger and oh my word OP your own life is going to be unrecognisable in a few months. Allow yourself to feel lost and to grieve for a month. I bet you don't - you'll find energy excitement relief and a profound sense of your own agency, will be far stronger than you think! Don't allow yourself to be financially taken for a fool out of a sense - wrong sense - of guilt. Way to go, as they say in America.

But who will pay the other half of the mortgage? Him - out of savings? What happens when that runs out? I honestly think you just need to file for divorce and sell the house.

By the way, of course this isn't what he wants! He's had a free and easy ride all his life and doesn't want that to end. He would rather you were unhappy and doing everything whilst he sniped at you. He's an absolute tosser.

I have calculated via the entitled to website that with universal credit, child benefit my half the mortgage, rent from the lodger (who lives in an annex at the end of the garden) and CMS he should get by with money to spare each month after household bills.

The repayments on our mortgage are very very small, about a 1/4 of what it would cost monthly to rent in our area as we bought our first property 19 years ago just after I turned 18 (I know those were the days when they were throwing out mortgages to just anyone)

Due to this he will be able to carry on not working as he does now until the last child is 18 🙈

I really can’t see our teenagers wanting to move, one leave home in 2 weeks for Uni, one is in their last year of A levels and one just about to start GCSE’s. The home is close to their work, their friends, their school etc.

I am looking at my contributions to the mortgage until the youngest turns 18 as somewhat of a savings account. I also thought it would give me time to really think about how I want to spend my share of the equity and where I want to live rather than rush into buying something now that will not be what I want in 4 years.

He has agreed to sign a separation agreement for now to the effect that we will sell and go 50/50 when the youngest is 18. I think getting a separation agreement together whilst I can get him to agree to things is sensible. As I do expect him to become a complete arse as he realises that this is it.

my dad is quite elderly and lives alone but luckily has a spare room, he lives about 15 miles from the family home. He has said he would enjoy the company and I’m probably going to stay there until I have enough saved to rent somewhere or put a deposit on something smaller.

Its a big change and I do feel really nervous about it and am worried about making the wrong decision or what if I just going through a phase etc. I am second guessing myself quite a bit too…..

I think the next few months are going to be sooo tough and strange