If you were at SAHM and the kids now go to school....

[SleepingStandingUp]

What are you?

My youngest go to school January, and I'm just thinking when people do the "so what do you do?" question, can I reasonably say SAHM without looking like I'm taking the p given they'll be in school 9-3 five days a week?

Lady of leisure? Ha I wish
Student? I'm only studying part time so doesn't seem reasonable
Economically inactive? Well I like to SPEND it!!

So do I just say "nothing, sent the kids to school, don't have a job"

@Winceybincey tbh with three needing wrap around care and hospital appts for the big ones, god knows how the toddlers will fare and school holidays, still very much in the "still can't afford to work" category. Not just childcare but actual holiday cover etc too

@Nextlevelnonsense
Gnuinely; is this a personal identity crisis?. Probably. I went to Uni then worked, I quit work for a kid who couldn't stay out of hospital and didn't get back before the twins came and covid hit. So now I'm contemplating if sending them full or part time is best and who I am if they're not with me all day

@ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner could you loo kat doing some volunteering if you just wanted to fill some time? Just something to give you a bit more confidence too?

@Chanttotheprince You just don’t work. Your having a child doesn’t come into it except that @BogRollBOGOF doesn't work because she still has caring requirements for her child with additional needs, as do i. My DS has a 121 at school but I normally go on the school trips because they're short on adults if his 121 only has one child, DH or I would be also need a fair bit of time off for medical appts etc and we'd then struggle to cover childcare for three kids Inc two preschoolers. Having a child DOES come into it, they just also go to school.

She just said she doesn't work when we met & that was it, conversation moved on. What's wrong with saying that perhaps it varies with socioeconomic groups but it's unlikely to mean I married a man rich enough to keep me round here if you declare "I don't work!". It either means job hunting or life on benefits. So perhaps I'm being a snob and not wanting people to assume I'm just happy relying in benefits when actually I just can't afford the childcare and I'm trying to finish my degree so I can EVENTUALLY get back into a career. So yes, like people have said "studying around the children"

My point was unemployed suggests one is seeking employment on any official definitions. I am not.

Yes. Most of the mothers I know are utterly exhausted with the juggle. Meanwhile those of us who don’t work are lazy, naive etc. Can’t win!

You are absolutely correct. If I say unemployed, everyone starts offering me job hunting tips! The label itself implies that one is seeking employment.

Housekeeper? let's not give DH false hope on how much more housework I'll be doing 😂😂

Domestic manager? I would def warrant the eye roll I'd get 😂

heiress living on the down low 😂

😂😂😂😂

Mainly nap tbf 🤣

😂

🙄
If I'd refused to have given up work, I'd have been sacked OR my son would have spent 6 months after my mat leave ended in and out of hospital alone. We'd have then spent the next 3 years putting both of our job at risk to accommodate all of his medical appts and we'd have been at an economic loss because the after school care would have needed to be a highly qualified 121. So no, not misguided or naive, just doing what had to be done and accepting that being a parent means making sacrifices.

And at a point when I might have been able to consider getting a term time only job with massive flexibility for hospital appts, I conceived twins so a bit of a none starter.

Then covid hit so I was homeschooling the eldest who was shielding whilst caring for two new babies as DH worked the whole thing (albeit upstairs). Again, less a choice (twins vs one, covid vs not a worldwide pandemic, DS's health nattering more than anything else).

So now in at the point of being able to do a term time only job with flexibility for hospital appts and putting the toddlers in childcare so likely working for nothing or a loss OR not working, and being able to focus on the part item degree I've been doing since DS started nursery.

I isn't normally defend our families choices, but not everyone who quits work has feasible other options. It doesn't make us stupid.

I agree so much

@BogRollBOGOF Your situation is very much like my own. I described myself as a SAHM upthread even though the kids are all in school, because like yourself and the OP and others on the thread, my being at home is entirely because I am a parent, in my case to 3 children with varying additional needs.

@SleepingStandingUp I have never come across any judgement from anyone in RL, whether that was when I was working or 'staying at home'. I have only had people show an interest and if I am at home, asking me to join for eg the PTA at school if I have time. Whatever you feel comfortable with, share that.

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue You sound like you're living the dream!

One time I was travelling abroad, and the agent at customs asked me what I do for a living - I had left the employment section blank on a landing card. I just said I don’t work. And he called me a “lady of leisure”, and while I could have been insulted by that I’ve chosen to make a joke of it. So when people ask now I say I’m a Lady of Leisure.

I feel like I've found my people.

I don't work and haven't since I had my oldest 10 years ago. It used to really really bother me that I may get judgment for my choice not to work (we can afford for me not to). That fear of judgment has hugely subsided as I've got older though. I never felt the need to go back to work and my youngest of 4, is now almost 11 months. I think I'll be holding my head up high with my choice when they start nursery/school in a few years 🤷‍♀️ it really is a valid choice and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Housewife - because you are not staying at home because you are a mum- a lot of people do all you do and make a financial contribution to their family. You are able to stay at home because you are a wife

If they do all the availability for school trips and hospital appts for eldest, and look after twin toddlers all day and study part time and work I have the utmost respect for them. Personally I can't balance it all. Not because I'm a wife, we'd have done the same if I wasn't married. Maybe just useless. Not sure my house wants me as a wife.

Home with the children and also studying. Definitely not unemployed, why is everything about bringing in money. You have an occupation, it's just unpaid. You are doing something worthwhile!. Good for you 🙂

Able to stay at home because you are a wife - yes. But as a family unit many families decide that one parent will stay at home to facilitate family life with children. Hence SAHM/SAHP.

Why is it only financial contribution that counts?
Time contribution is also important.

Being there to pick the kids up at 3:30 so they can go back to their own home rather than needing to go to childcare. Being around more to help with homework or take to activities. Getting household admin done in the day so that evenings and the weekends are more free for fun & relaxing. Being able to cover the other partner on late evenings or trips away for work. Not having to use clubs in the summer. All of these can be very important to a family too.

I really hate that on MN how dismissive people are of other's choices / forced decisions. There are pros and cons to Full time paid working, Part time paid working, and no paid working when a parent is part of a family unit with another earner. Why not let people make their own choices as far as external circumstances permit, and let them label themselves?

Yes it’s valid, but I know how hard it is to not feel like you’re being judged. I go through phases of feeling ashamed about it but I also know it’s the right choice for our family.

I like studying around the children. It's often a question asked to find something to talk about, this leads onto what you're studying etc.

I'm probably about to take on another aspect of my volunteer work so at this rate I can just cite my volunteer work 😂

I don’t really understand why that’s crying laughing funny?

It was meant to just be a smiley face.

@TeenDivided you are correct that traditionally it is a family decision for one partner not to work and absolutely it should be up to each individual what choice they make.
I don't think anyone needs to justify their choices to anyone else.

This discussion is not about the choice - it is about how the OP should refer to herself when asked by others right?

@SleepingStandingUp what I meant by housewife is because that was what was used to describe non working married women. However if you are telling me that you would be able to make the same choice if you didn't have someone else supporting your life financially - then hats off to you as it would be good to know how

@chopc How she should refer to herself is up to her, but it is obvious to me she is a SAHP. She is staying at home due to her parental responsibilities.