Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Think I regret doing CPR.

165 replies

RegretfulFirstAider · 24/09/2022 13:07

I wasn't sure whether to post this, in case it puts people off from doing CPR, when it can be a life saving thing to do.

Earlier this year our elderly neighbour came round to ask with help lifting her dh who had fallen. I went round to help. He was unresponsive, grey and not breathing. I phoned for an ambulance and they talked me through doing CPR. It was very traumatic.

Miraculously he survived and came out of hospital. But he wasn't the same afterwards, though he was struggling with falls beforehand. I think he wished I hadn't done CPR as he told me how awful life was afterwards.

Since then he had a huge and very rapid decline decline and has now gone into a carehome, no longer recognising people or where he is. His life is terrible and it is awful for his family to both witness and manage. I suspect he suffered brain damage as a result of what happened.

I feel so very very, guilty. I feel as though by resuscitating him, I turned his remaining life into hell. I know I couldn't have foreseen the future, but it doesn't feel as though it was a kind thing to do.

OP posts:
BreadmanAndCake · 24/09/2022 13:10

You did an amazing and really difficult thing and should be proud of yourself for doing so. You weren't to know what his quality of life would be like afterwards x

CaptainCarp · 24/09/2022 13:11

Didn't want to read & run OP. You did what you thought was right in the moment & I'm sure his wife wouldn't have wanted you to just leave him.
It's really unfortunate that he has declined so much but as you say you couldn't predict the future.

If you can afford it could you see if you could find a therapist to talk it through with? Do you think you might have trauma from actually performing CPR?

pastabest · 24/09/2022 13:11

It's really normal to feel like this after something like that. It's easy to throw phrases like post traumatic stress around but essentially what you are feeling will be some form of that.

See if you can access some counselling.

Etinoxaurus · 24/09/2022 13:12

You did the right thing. It would have been so traumatic for his wife and for you if he’s died there, grey after a fall.

Singasongaday · 24/09/2022 13:12

You did the absolute best you could at the time, I would have done the same, I couldn’t stand by and let someone die if I thought I could help. Please don’t beat yourself with what ifs. You bought his family more time with him.

WomensLandArmy · 24/09/2022 13:13

OP, if you hadn't attempted CPR and then had been told that you could have saved his life, you would also be beating yourself up. You did an incredibly brave thing with the best of intentions and decided upon using all the knowledge that you had to hand at the time.

user1477249785 · 24/09/2022 13:13

OP I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. For what it's worth, I think you bought his wife time to say goodbye and to reconcile herself a bit to his loss. Losing someone suddenly is the worst. You have spared her that shock.

Trainham · 24/09/2022 13:14

Hugs you did what was right at the time .you could not predict what happened.
My brother did cpr on a stranger and saved him but that too had a profound effect on him too.
Try not to be hard on yourself you probably would have felt guilty if you had not tried .

Ylvamoon · 24/09/2022 13:14

💐You are amazing!

You absolutely did the right thing at the time. Nobody could predict the outcome.

WeAreTheHeroes · 24/09/2022 13:15

You don't necessarily know what his life was like before the fall - you perhaps have more of a link with your neighbours and know more now? I think you were incredible - there are very many people for whom CPR or the use of a defibrillator literally makes a difference between life or death and gives people longer with their family and friends.

Denny53 · 24/09/2022 13:15

Aww sweetheart don’t feel awful about CPR. You saved his life and yes ok saving his life may have ‘prolonged’ the quantity his life and his life may not be as good quality as it was before BUT you tried. Just think how bad you’d feel if you’d done nothing at all ?

Lovemylittlebear · 24/09/2022 13:16

Please be kind to yourself. You did the best by him. There was no crystal ball. Remember why you did it in that moment, to try and save his life, who he was there in that moment. X

AsterixInEngland · 24/09/2022 13:24

I think you did your best in the circumstances. How were you to know how things would pan out and what he wanted? Without any other info, doing CPR was the right thing to do. If you hadn’t, you would be wrecked with guilt wondering why you hadn’t tried to save his life….

What you describe though is the reason why I have thought about having a DNR in place. I’ve talked to DH about it too.
For me, at your NDN age, a DNR is a no-brainer. BUT not everyone feels like this and I believe this is why you really need to talk about it with those close to you.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 24/09/2022 13:27

Very tough situation for you. There is a Facebook group called Chain of Survival - you might find their resources helpful.

AsterixInEngland · 24/09/2022 13:28

Also giving CPR or not was not your decision to make.
The default is and should always be to try and save that person’s life.

If someone feels it would not the right thing further to do, then THEY need to make it clear (eg talking to their spouse, living will etc…).

So you did what was right. This burden is not yours to carry ((hugs))

Pixiedust1234 · 24/09/2022 13:31

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. But we don't have it. Would you still feel like this if everything had stayed the same but he had bought a euro millions lottery ticket after he came out from hospital? The one that won and gave his wife a lovely stressful life? Of course you wouldn't. Look for the silver lining, there's always one somewhere (I'm guessing it gave them the chance to say meaningful goodbyes to each other, or for wills to be sorted properly, both worth their weight in gold).

PleaseStopExplaining · 24/09/2022 13:33

If you hadn’t tried you’d almost definitely have been sitting here regretting that and wondering what if.

SucculentSunshine · 24/09/2022 13:37

Imagine how awful you’d feel if you chose not too do CPR though. You did the right thing. You didn’t cause the problems in this older persons life. Life is shit as you get old. Not your fault.

Original poster
RegretfulFirstAider · 24/09/2022 13:42

I feel a bit overwhelmed by the responses. Thank you. I am close to my neighbours. We've been neighbours a long time and we know them well, we've always looked out for each other. I'd been helping a lot before this happened. I know that he was very depressed before this incident, which makes it worse.

My dh has told me to stop thinking about it. For a while I hadn't really thought about it, other life changing things happened for us very shortly afterwards, but as that settles now, but it has recently suddenly hit me.

I think people are right, I probably do need some counselling over this. I will check out the facebook group too @LadyGardenersQuestionTime

Thank you so much everyone for being so lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
RegretfulFirstAider · 24/09/2022 13:43

You are right of course @AsterixInEngland, it wasn't my decision to make. How could I have stepped back and decided that his life wasn't worth preserving. I can see that logically. I wish my emotions would catch up with that.

OP posts:
ItsNotReallyChaos · 24/09/2022 13:44

If a person doesn't have a DNR in place then really the decision is out of everyone's hands so you did the only thing you could do.

I've made sure my parents have one in place for my dad as he has reached a point in his life where he would be pleased to be allowed to slip away so that we don't end up in this position or end up putting neighbours/friends of theirs through it should they have to dial 999.

MarvelMrs · 24/09/2022 13:45

You did nothing wrong. That was all you could do.
However this serves as a good reminder why we should all talk to our loved ones (particularly older) about the realities of elderly life, do not resuscitate orders and the reality of prolonging life when people are already elderly. It doesn’t work out to be the best option. The person’s next of kin and people they live with and spend
time with need to consider, discuss and understand a person’s views around prolonging elderly life.

CallMeLinda · 24/09/2022 13:45

You did what was right then. You could not control what happened afterwards, nobody can. Please don't feel guilty.

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 24/09/2022 13:47

I get you OP. I had an elderly aunt who was found unconscious. They brought her back and it was a mistake. Her life was a misery from that point on. She lived almost a year with zero quality of life and her care costs were hellish.

All the same, it's better to regret doing what you did than regret doing nothing.

BreatheAndFocus · 24/09/2022 13:47

You did an incredible thing - you gave him a chance. What happened afterwards is in no way your fault. You couldn’t have not done CPR. That would have been much worse.

Sometimes we help others and the outcome isn’t 100% positive. That’s chance and nothing to do with us. You did the right thing.