Think I regret doing CPR.

[RegretfulFirstAider]

I wasn't sure whether to post this, in case it puts people off from doing CPR, when it can be a life saving thing to do.

Earlier this year our elderly neighbour came round to ask with help lifting her dh who had fallen. I went round to help. He was unresponsive, grey and not breathing. I phoned for an ambulance and they talked me through doing CPR. It was very traumatic.

Miraculously he survived and came out of hospital. But he wasn't the same afterwards, though he was struggling with falls beforehand. I think he wished I hadn't done CPR as he told me how awful life was afterwards.

Since then he had a huge and very rapid decline decline and has now gone into a carehome, no longer recognising people or where he is. His life is terrible and it is awful for his family to both witness and manage. I suspect he suffered brain damage as a result of what happened.

I feel so very very, guilty. I feel as though by resuscitating him, I turned his remaining life into hell. I know I couldn't have foreseen the future, but it doesn't feel as though it was a kind thing to do.

Giving CPR was 100% the right thing to do. He may well die from other causes now but you did the right thing.

I get what you mean OP. It's awful to meet someone who has been resuscitated and suffers with adverse effects. But you did what you could in a stressful situation.

If you hadn't done CPR, he might have died. Or he might actually have survived with worse injuries, and suffered more. There's just no way to know.

It wasn’t your decision to make. He needed to put in place a dnr if that is what he wished. It would of been unbelievable cruel to refuse you neighbour help when she asked.

If you hadn't done CPR you'd be beating yourself up about his death instead. There's always some degree of risk with resuscitate like many medical procedures. Preservation of life is more important than those risks, unless the person themselves has said no. If you'd asked him beforehand and he didn't have any existing life limiting illnesses it's vastly more likely that he'd have wanted you to resuscitate him then not. You did the right thing, that doesn't mean you'll get a good outcome, but in the absence of clear evidence the person doesn't want to be resuscitated the default must be to resuscitate.

This is not your fault. I think you might benefit from counselling and having someone to talk it through with.

As PPs have said, the default is to try to save a life, and that is what the despatch crew helped you to do. It was not your decision, but you did the right thing at the time.

All we can ever do is our best, based on the information we have available at the time.

Could you have stood there and watched him die? No, so you followed instructions on CPR and only did as instructed. It's hard to think clearly in moments like that and you did the right thing at the time. It's always about preservation of life - paramedics would have done the same. You did your best in traumatic circumstances

Honestly you would have felt worse of you hadn't tried. Please don't beat yourself up over it. You can't take responsibility for how his life is now, you did the best for him at the time.

You did nothing wrong, you did what you have been led to believe is best.

However, as a society the UK is rubbish about talking about death, dying, aging and normal reasonable evidence based expectations. Doing CPR on the elderly in an out of hospital setting, is rarely a good or positive thing, even when they survive, as you have seen.

We need a wholesale change in attitudes towards death, but that definitely doesn't start with you OP.

THIS! ^ You would have beaten yourself up even WORSE if you'd not tried to save his life @RegretfulFirstAider You saved this man's life and could NOT have known he was going to have a shit life after, and be very ill... If he did not have a certified DNR in place, then you did the right thing. Please don't beat yourself up about this. You did a good thing.

*What you describe though is the reason why I have thought about having a DNR in place. I’ve talked to DH about it too.

For me, at your NDN age, a DNR is a no-brainer. BUT not everyone feels like this and I believe this is why you really need to talk about it with those close to you*

this. My mum has had a DNR in place as long as I can remember. Before that she was always clear about not wanting heroic measures. She’s absolutely fit and well, with no medical issues, she just knows the consequences and would rather not.

his wife was there, she should have been able to say whether it’s what he wanted.

not on you o/p. I do think we need to get over this “they want to kill auntie Edith!” When family are consulted over a DNR, and understand it’s the humane thing to do. It’s not giving up, it’s not so not treat, it’s knowing it’s futile.

I think you've done an amazing thing. My mum died of a heart attack in front of me in her 40s. It's been shit ever since. I wish someone had done cpr (I was too young to know). Don't ever regret what you did. Like pps said, his life may have been shit regardless and you just know more now. Well done you for doing a brave thing x

OP, you very bravely did was was asked of you by both your neighbour and professional NHS team. You could not have done better.
Imagine the kind of person you'd have to be to stand there impassively and say to your neighbour, 'He's had his time. Not worth trying to resuscitate him.' You sound like a good, kind, responsible person and I bet you'd have worse nightmares about doing nothing. You did the right thing under incredibly challenging circumstances.

I wouldn’t do it on an old, frail person because it’s SO brutal and can cause so much damage.

Oh op

You did the right thing. I think we are all kind of used to tv where minutes after being resuscitated they are up and about like nothing happened.

In reality its brutal, not often hugely successful and traumatic for all concerned.

You can't and won't ever know whether he would have declined anyway. You did what you were supposed to do. You acted pretty heroically by the sounds of it. The rest is out of your hands. Don't beat yourself up about it, you did the right thing. In the absence of any DNR or clear information regarding his wishes there was no decision to make really. 💐

You did the right thing and I think you'd feel a million times worse if you hadn't tried and he'd passed away instead.

Please, please don't feel guilty. None of this is your fault

Exactly this.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. You went into flight or fight mode and definitely fought. It was the right thing to do at the time💐

Please don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault how things have worked out for him. It’s no one’s fault.

If you weren’t there and paramedics were, they would have done CPR and the same outcome would have most likely happened.

If that man had died you would have always had in the back of your mind the idea that you could have possibly saved him. It could have never been predicted that this would be the outcome. What you did is amazing, you were there for his elderly wife and helped her in what will have been a terrifying moment, probably the worst and most frightening in her life. You stepping back and doing nothing would have been traumatic for her to see as she will have been helpless.

You did your best don't regret it,see GP for counselling

Agree. If he had died, you would be living with that guilt for the rest of your life.

I used to work for an emergency service. And the feeling of knowing that you weren't able to save someone in time is not one I would wish on anyone. I still remember everyone who died on my watch and I did everything I could for everyone of them.

Are you able to reflect on that with anyone? In healthcare, we spend a lot of time thinking about the ethics of this sort of thing, and wound definitely have the option to have counselling if something like this happened. Of course it’s bothering you. Exploring it might help you to move on.

(Of course you did the right thing. And well, too. It’s rare for people to survive. I imagine you’d feel a thousand times worse if for any reason you hadn’t and he hadn’t survived)

His decline sounds very sad.

Giving him CPR sounds yes, traumatic, quite literally so.

The two facts above have become entangled in your memory, thoughts, and combined with 'what ifs' have become a story that involves judging your involvement and actions. Trauma can kind of get us stuck to the point we endlessly cycle through thoughts trying to find a way out, or a reasoning for why we are feeling so bad, when the reason is simply that we've had a traumatic experience.

I hope that makes sense. Your trauma is making you feel bad, therefore your brain tells you there must be a reason for you to feel bad/guilty, therefore you are creating a story in which you are at fault. It probably really feels like you are at fault; but this is a trauma response. It's not an objectively accurate thought or belief.

Objectively, there is absolutely no way to know 'what if' - he may not have died regardless of your involvement, he may have had a worse outcome, it may have been worse for his family for all sorts of reasons. Who can say?

Illness, aging and death can be very difficult, sad and upsetting. That sounds like a truism, but I think as a pp said, we forget because so much is hidden and not talked about.

Anyway. Hope you find a way to work through this, OP. It sounds to me like you did exactly what was the correct and expected thing to do. Be kind to yourself.

oh my darling. You did absolutely NOTHING wrong, you did all the right things, and you couldn’t have known what the quality of life would be afterwards. Hugs for you, it’s super tough xxx

You did what you could and what was asked of you.

You did follow his wishes too:
He hadn't a DNR in place- that was his chance to make a decision in advance of an accident - so had chosen be revived.

The consequences of the fall itself and surviving it are not your fault.

Please be kind to yourself. You could have not saved his life and you'd be feeling guilty now for not trying. You could have saved his life and he goes back to absolute normal but will degenerate because that is what happens to all of us. You did save his life and his wife at that moment needed you to do that. Please don't feel responsible for his quality of life because at that moment his wife asked you to save his life which you did.