How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

[Devastated63]

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

Would depend on what they did, any kind of sexual assault, abuse, child abuse they would be cut of for good after making clear how fucking disgusted I was of them. Anything else would fully depend on the circumstances and how honest and remorseful they were.

@Devastated63 I too think counselling may be a good idea. Is there a charity who work with prisoners’ families? That may be a first place to get some basic information and support.

This is one of those situations that unless you are living it nobody knows how they would feel
My dh made some mistakes when he was younger and ended up serving a prison sentence ( relatively short ) but it wasn't a violent crime or anything to do with children
Twenty odd years later he's a decent hardworking family man .

The not telling you and the lies could have been borne of shame and embarrassment rather than a lack of remorse.

Without knowing the nature of the crime, it's impossible to say how I'd react but I think short of my child becoming a serial murderer, there is very little I wouldn't try to forgive, however angry and upset I might be at the time.

I would still love my child and be there for them if they needed me, no matter what they did - I don't think I could completely cut off a child.

But obviously it depends on the situation and you don't know how you would react. If for instance one sibling abused another sibling how could you keep in contact with the abuser and still have the love of the abused child? It's so very hard - I'm so sorry for you OP whatever your situation is, it must be torturous.

I'm so sorry, OP. This has to be a nightmare for you and his siblings.

I hope that one of the linked organisations can help you, and I think counselling is vital.

I don't know there's anything they could do that I wouldn't forgive them for.

Must be so hard I would be upset and devastated but I would support my child the only things I would never forgive and would cut them off for is any kind of sexual crime or child abuse I just couldn’t have them in my life.

An extreme example but if one of my children murdered the other in a premeditated attack I would die before I forgave them.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Honestly, if I was your child, I’d take the decision out of your hands. I wouldn’t want to stay in contact with a parent who behaved like this.

Honestly! Pull your head in. Not saying it’s the case for the OP, but let’s say her child was convicted of child torture, rape and murder. Perfectly reasonable for a parent to step back and cut contact. You may choose to go pay your child’s head and say ‘there, there’ in such a situation but not many parents would.

Goes without saying there’s a line even for mothers. Wonder if Ian Huntleys mother forgave him? I certainly wouldn’t have.

Well I spose I’d hope my position would be to hate the sin but not the sinner.

Short of them actually being a serial killer, I can’t imagine totally cutting contact with my child. But contact might be very boundaried indeed under certain circumstances.

You need to seperate the act from the person. He's still your child. You will love him unconditionally. That doesn't mean you condone the behaviour.
Maybe he needs love more than anyone right now

For anyone it’s helpful for, this book by Andrew Solomon has a chapter on parents whose children have committed crimes. It’s really brilliantly written, very emotive. I imagine it might be helpful for people who may be in this situation to hear from others and not be alone.

www.waterstones.com/book/far-from-the-tree/andrew-solomon/9780099460992

How exactly do you separate the act from the person in some cases? If someone is grooming young vulnerable kids, piling them with drinks and drugs, etc - that is who they are, not just an act (Rochdale case)! If someone has a step daughter or son and has been raping them (let's call it what it is) since the age of 5 onwards for years?!? If someone has been abusing patients in a mental institution, etc! Even if it is your child, there should be some boundaries, extremely painful as it might be. Some people really can't and don't want to be helped - hopefully not the case with OPs son 🙏

Entirely depends on the nature of the crime, intentions and impact on the rest of any victims life.

For example

Couldn't forgive rape, child abuse, intent to murder...

Theft, drugs, fraud... I'd be ashamed but I could forgive.

If he didn't tell you about his court hearing... that at least suggests his shame and perhaps not wanting to hurt you. Your pain is something he didn't want to bear?

Sometimes you compartmentalise things. You're not justifying what they did but you have your own separate relationship and you might still very much want to encourage them to be the best person they can be (however disappointing that is). The world isn't a better place if you cut them off.

I don't suppose that WomanStanleyWoman2's parents would be too happy to see their child engaged in this sort of online baiting.

Disregard it OP. You have done nothing wrong from anything we see on here.

Have you ever seen the film 'we need to talk about Kevin?'

Its litrally about this.

I was just going to post similar. It also might depend on who the victim was as well. Theft from work for example compared to thrift from their gran would affect how I felt,

I often wonder how parents of those who commit horrific crimes feel; when Star Hobson's case was going through court I thought about her family. My DD is a young mum and I don't know what I would do if she allowed something so horrific to happen to my DGS - yeah, I really don't know. There's some crimes that are so abhorrent it feels like they would be unforgivable, but then I can't imagine ever cutting my kids off.

I have a distant family member who raped an elderly woman in her own home whilst high on drugs. I've no idea if his mum still has contact with him, but I know the whole family were harassed for a very long time in the local area.

Horrific position for you to be in OP, I'm so sorry. I agree with pp, you need to seek help to support you through this, don't try and do it alone

I'm going through something very similar with my BIL. I cant forgive him but he's still part of my family. I love him and I hate him at the same time. I never want to see him and also want to protect him.
Very confusing feelings and made more difficult by my love for DH and PILs.

My ex parents fully supported him, over his own grandchildren. They wanted to tell them he’d been sent to jail and shouted at me when I was upset about it (for my kids) dumped the cat in my doorstep and left.

They are seriously deranged the lot of them. Including the new wife who married and reproduced with it, disgusts me tbh that people accept men who do what he did. If that’s the road someone wants to go down they should accept being completely ostracised from community and family. Instead it’s piddly little sentences, allowing them access to children etc etc pathetic.