How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

[Devastated63]

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

perhaps keeping in touch at distance - aka you are my son but as your actions have caused harm in a way I cannot condone them. I will hold my memories of you in good times and for the foreseeable future I cannot visit or see you even though I love you and always will.
This happened to a mum I once knew the sibling changed their name, it must have affected their job it certainly must have made their privacy invaded and I can imagine some families having to move home.
Families are often as much victims of their family members crimes as the actual victims - op you have my sympathy

It really depends what the offence was

Counseling would be where I would start.

If it was CSA, chances are your son was abused by someone too.

If it's DV related, he needs some serious therapy.

I don't think you have to make a decision about anything right now. Get some support for yourself.

I think it’s fairly clear from the OP’s posts what kind of crime her adult son has committed, and that it would not be unreasonable for her to step away under these circumstances.

Honestly, if I was your child, I’d take the decision out of your hands. I wouldn’t want to stay in contact with a parent who behaved like this.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Eh? OP hasn't done anything wrong, her son has commited some appalling crime. They didn't go to watch the court case because psychologically they couldn't handle hearing the details of what he'd done. It must be hard enough even with what she has to cope with at the moment, let alone if she had added to it by hearing about it all.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I can't say what I would do if my adult child committed a heinous crime. I can sit here never having experienced that and think I know how I'd react (love my child, hate their crime) but it's easy to say that when you have never gone through it. I suspect it's quite a simplistic view.

I hope that you have support to help you deal with this.

Sexual I’m afraid would be my line.there is no reason nor explanation. There is no accident or rage.there is nothing a sexual crime could be forgiven for for me.
I think like pp it depends.
accidental.circumstance and context is everything.sorry that doesn’t help:
but also it sounds like for you this has come totally left field?not that it makes it any better.but there are those that are bad and continue to be so. But you seem shocked of it from him. So that must make it harder to cut him off.he’s still half standing in the memory’s of the child you loved and thought good?
give yourself loads of compassion.
give yourself all the support you can find.
mom not sure about court.because this too can be a place wheee lies and bias can come from both sides depending on their level of law team. The manipulation that happens in court can be shocking.
do you know the full story.
it does sound like a pretty devastating unforgivable crime. And I’m so sorry op.

there are tests on here but equally I’ve read some of the kindest most supportive givers on here too.
so if you need to talk I promise we can listen and be there.don’t be alone with this.
I’d like to think the many wouldn’t judge.I’ve seen some posts literally save the poster.
you’ve got lots of people thinking g if you on here.
have you any professional help. Have the police or anyone been in touch with you.

When people say they would cut off contact forever for very serious crimes, unless the person is long term in prison does this not then potentially increase the risk of the person reoffending rather than offering at least some help to rehabilitate and even if low likelyhood a chance to stop it happenning again? ie if someone loses their whole family support completely they might think whats the point anymore and repeat their serious crimes

Lionel Shriver explored this in in We Need To Talk About Kevin - excellent if extremely disturbing book and film. She forgives the worst crime it is possible to commit and the author examines that.

I've no idea, OP. Nightmare. I'm so sorry and hope you find a way through this.

In my families case - I didn’t even know the person existed until my Grandmother developed Alzheimer’s and started talking about him/what he’d done/court/how long he’d spent in prison...

I had no clue she had another son; I thought my Dad was an only child. Brother is 16 years older. My Dad doesn’t really remember him; he was 5 when he went to prison.

@WTFNowPeople your comment reminded me of a documentary I watched not long ago.
A young lad in America raped and knifed his younger sister I think she was only 5 or so and he was a teenager.
He's locked up and his mother visits him in prison and has even taken her youngest child in with her. She's even said she will have to move house if he gets out because he'll come looking for them, and still she visits him.

It's not their responsibility. It's the responsibility of the convicted criminal - who may say 'I might as well carry on, then, if you don't love me put my wants and demands above everybody else including yourselves' because it's another way to try to place the blame upon any and everyone else but themselves. It's similar to drug addiction, alcoholism and gambling - addicts also try to blame everybody else to avoid taking responsibility for their own decisions and having to take the consequences of those actions.

Like addiction, OP, you didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you certainly can't control their behaviour. It is an act of their own doing.

@userxx without a doubt. I wouldn't even be able to look at them again, many people feel strongly enough about certain crimes and have gone the same way.

I'm not going to post details so please don't worry but has your child's crime been posted about on social media on local pages?

Your child is your child, and you can’t unlove them.
I will love my kids no matter what they did. Obviously I wouldn’t condone bad behaviour and I would be very disappointed if they ever broke the law, and I believe justice should be served. But your child is your child, never feel guilty for loving them. No matter what they have done.
im sorry you are going through this 💐

I saw that, his name is Paris Bennett

All I can say is, you have the right to withdraw from someone if they've crossed the line. They've done the 'damage' so they can't be surprised or hurt that you back off. We always hear that if you're in a toxic relationship that is damaging your mental health, you should walk away. Same applies here. I'm sorry your child has done this to you. Good luck 💞

I think it might be important to fully face what they done, even if/as that knowledge changes how you feel about them. Some people seem to stay in contact, stay loving and normal, only by minimising the crime and harm to others, living in denial. I think that's when it turns toxic, and starts cascading into larger rifts in family and community, and ongoing harm for everyone involved. So however you feel, whatever you choose to do, however long it takes, wherever you end up is fine, so long as it is done with full awareness.

A rape or murder of a child, I could not move past it - especially if they showed no remorse (as most Paedos do not show remorse as they feel entitled to behave that way) If he went ahead with a chemical castration there might be room for a conversation, but otherwise no way.
More or less anything I could not cut them off.

My best advice, get some really good counselling in place now, choose one that deals with losing children. As you are describing grief, look after yourself. You did not do anything to create this op, sometimes the worst things happen to nice people.

Yes I have seen that documentary its chilling.

Great advice here.

I don’t think I could ever not love my child no matter what but I would feel like I was massively letting them down if I didn’t help them to face up to the consequences of their actions. There would be a definite boundary that I wouldn’t be letting them away without facing up to their actions.

Well she visits him in jail... I find it baffling.

I hate to acknowledge it, I don’t it have the link but watched a program involving pedophiles and inactive pedophiles.

Through mri scanning and imaging between different groups they found some adults have a predisposed attraction to children.

I think we need more awareness and early intervention with it.

I don't know how it would work or how to fix them but ignoring them whilst they rip lives apart underground isn’t working.

If I could hang the active ones I would.

Paris Bennett i think he's called that chilled me to the very core