Feeling low after spoiled evening

[pipwoes]

This will put me to anyone who knows but I want to vent
I had tickets to a great gig tonight - a treat as it was also very local. DH and I were going and the plan was that DS(16) would keep an eye on the dog and Ds who's 10
We were getting ready and said " you need to go sit with him (DS2 age 10) and watch tv, make sure he brushes teeth and goes to bed ok"
Older DS starts moaning and groaning and says " he'll be ok. I don't need to sit with him" and so on. We had words earlier as he'd been mean to his younger brother mocking and mimicking him. I had offered money for the "babysitting" and to give him money to go to shop for some treats
He refused to say he'd go downstairs so now I've had to stay home (wouldn't have enjoyed myself leaving 10 year old alone) 10 year old has now gone with DH and I'm home with the teen who has zero regret or shame and just asked if o got him any treats in like I'd said I would.
I'm
Missing the gig and it wasn't cheap and now I feel thoroughly pissed off. Would you be? How can I make the teen see this isn't ok? The irony is we get a family friend the same age to babysits normally and all she has to do is sit with 10 year old and ensure he gets off to bed. I even offered to pay my son

At his age now, you get him to do it OP by withdrawing his phone or console or whatever until he tows the line and does what he's told. Your husband needs to back you to the hilt on it too.

With the younger one, you start NOW by instilling in him what needs doing. My youngest doesn't have regular jobs to do, but I variously ask him to take the recycling to the bins, put the bins out on bin day, take them (and the neighbours bins) back in again. He also washes up and helps make tea on occasion. I find that they need to know from early on that they are part of a family, which is a team. As part of being in that team there are expectations on them. If you start while they are young enough, you don't need to resort to punitive measures when they are 16 and doing nothing to help you.

Your 16 year old was an arsehole like many 16 year olds are. My 16 year old would have been expected to look after his younger siblings on occasion and I would not have expected any argument.

Bloody hell. Developmentally delayed and favoured child is a bit too much
For what it's worth, from his class only 4 kids go out alone on bikes or to shop 4 out of 30 and no year 4s would be out on the streets here so I'm not some kind of freak. I'm in the majority
I adore both my kids but if I'm coming across they I favour younger that's not true. I've already been open and said I need to look at myself but don't need crucifying and told I'm delaying my child FFS
School require a letter to say it's ok to walk home and only allow it from Easter of year 5 onwards. And 2 years of lockdown has made him and a lot of classmates a lot "younger" in outlook than DS1 was at year 6.
This has really morphed from what i expected to be a short thread.

Thank you. He is being an arse at the minute

Possibly the older one feels that whatever he does is wrong so what's the point?

Flushing the loo & basic clearing up after themselves is what they start from toddlerhood.

On the contrary I praise any crumbs of decent behaviour, thank him for getting ready for school/ getting up without complaint

Agreed, me too, and my kids too. Of course they were mean to each other sometimes. Big deal. That's how it's supposed to be. And the boy could have stayed in his room and the oldest in their room. So they won't see each other to be mean. No need to talk to each other or be in each other's presence. Just do their own thing and ignore each other. That's all that's needed.

Oh god the mum bashers found you. Try and ignore the pile on@pipwoes it's the only thing that makes half of them feel alive.
You arranged for your 16yo to do something for you he went back on it and deserves some sort of conversation about that and how he views his role in the house generally. FWIW I wouldnt strip back his items or punish in anyway as you wont be able to make it stick. But I would hand over responsibility for his own things now like washing,and clearing up after himself.

For those with super independent 10 yo's who declare that op said the 16yo needed to be surgically attached to the 10yo all evening (she didn't) If you had asked someone to babysit would you have had them downstairs aware of what going on, or tucked away upstairs with no clue.

Sorry you were let down by the 16yo. They can be selfish dicks sometimes.

This

He's 10. and it wouldn't have been the end of the world if he went to bed a bit late on a Friday night.

Sorry I agree with the others saying ds10 didn't need sitting with -I understand ds16s reluctance, when he agreed to babysitting he interpreted it as being in the same house as his brother acting as the responsible person if anything went wrong, and checking on him once or twice of course he'd agree, that's easy money!

Then you come in and say you actually mean he has to give up his whole evening to sit in the same room as his annoying brother watching the TV annoying brother wants to watch, which is not going to be of interest for a 16 year old, plus nag him to do his teeth, go to bed etc which little brother might argue about, and probably blame at him if little brother doesn't do it! Which suddenly seems like a huge pain for a few quid.

Also taking into account "teenage grunt" might sound like "no" often usually means "yeah ill do a version of what you're asking just in my own time and probably not to the standard you would do it."

Martyr comment might seem harsh but at the end of the day dh has had a good night out, ds10 has had a good night out, ds16 has had a good evening in, you're the one sitting at home with a 16 year old fuming! You should definitely have left them to it, at the end of the day whats going to happen if ds10 goes to bed a bit late without brushing his teeth 1 day of the year?

Can I ask why you think she wouldn't be able to make the punishment stick? Say, removing his phone or console?

Punishments won’t work. He already feels resentful.

Honestly, it sounds like you spoiled your own evening.

10 year old could have been left; 16 year old was in the house.

and where is your husband in all this?

My DD is 11 but this would have been similar covid permitting when she was 10.

• She often sits upstairs of an evening on her own and yells down her tablet at her friends whilst playing roblox
• i leave her alone at home for at least an hour whilst I walk the dog but she could text me if needed
• She doesn’t need telling you wash, clean teeth, pj on etc but would never go to bed if I didn’t tell her to!
• she can go over the park for an hour with her friends if I know who is going and I trust her to follow safety rules (but I can see the park from my office)
• She walks to my parents on her own (5 mins, little traffic)
• she goes in the local shop in her own
• i take her and a friend swimming and watch from the cafe
• she can get her own drink or snack or make me a cuppa

she does not:

• stay home all day or all evening alone whilst I am out
• go out all day without me really knowing where she is
• take public transport alone
• Cook full meals alone (she does bake but asks me to put the trays in and out of the oven)

I think she could do more in the kitchen but she is cautious. Otherwise I think she has a sensible amount of freedom which will increase now she’s started big school.

Also taking into account "teenage grunt" might sound like "no" often usually means "yeah ill do a version of what you're asking just in my own time and probably not to the standard you would do it."

This expresses it perfectly. He probably would've done this - ie his version of checking but he was rude, sullen and after a day of shit off him I just flipped. Younger one has had shit from friends so got a treat, DS1 got left alone and I say feeling miserable. I'm a martyr yes but it feels shit. I'm not sitting polishing a bloody halo.

One other thing OP... I was a pure tearaway at 16. One thing I always longed for was to hang out with my mum, just us 2, even though I actively despised her most of the time. We were always at loggerheads but I never felt that I had a relationship with her. I would recommend that as well as removing his privileges, that you also look to have some one on one time with your eldest once he starts doing as he is told a bit more.

The way to deal with an arsey 16 year old ime is to remove privileges, particularly those they consider to be rights rather than privileges eg phone, Wi-Fi etc. We found that to have remarkable results. No screaming or shouting from us. Best to take phone in the night or morning before they’re up and remove Wi-Fi and then tell them calmly what they need to do that day and then go out. We didn’t expect DS1 to sit in with DS 2 when he was ten but he wasn’t really an arse by 18.

You are expecting more of a babysitter than you would of an actual parent! Surely most people don't sit in the same room as their (in this case nearly secondary aged kids!) all evening?

When I was a babysitter kids would usually play, or, depending on age and time of night, be asleep in their room, I would be in the main room. Of course if they wanted to stay with me for an hour before they went to bed they could but if a ten year old wanted to play upstairs I wasn't going to follow them and sit in their room!

you've made up the surgically attached but OP clearly stated she did actually want the 16 year old to sit with 10 year old all evening. Which is probably not what 16 year old felt he had agreed to, because that is not what most people expect of a babysitter!

Yes, we sit in the same room as our children in the evening. They don't have TVs or consoles in their rooms.

I was careful to say by developmentally delayed, I mean socially. Not intellectually or anything like that.

Yes, I be agree with the suggestion here. When he’s improved his attitude a bit make an effort to engage him . There’s usually something they like doing away from screens.

@Usernumber1squillion Please rtft especially all the OP's posts. It is more than clear she exactly did mean he had to sit with the 10yo all evening.

She asked DS16 to sit for DS10. He agreed. She then said you have to sit with him. She changed the rules. He agreed to sit, not sit with him non-stop. She changed the goal posts. DS16 did nothing wrong.

Punishment won't stick (and I dont think have much effect anyway) because he is 16 and he can just say no or make life twice as hard for everyone else.

16yo acted like an arse as they often do. Stay downstairs and be aware of what's going on in the house is bare minimum from a baby sitter. It's not like she expected planned activities and sibling bonding.

This I’m afraid. You blinked. Woman up, Mam up even, don’t let your 16yo ruin anything

Why do you have to ‘not lose your shit’?

This is a time when you absolutely need to lose your shit and your teen needs to see that. How he has got to this age and not understand failing to flush the loo in a shared household is unacceptable only you can answer.

what are you afraid of? My 10yo sees me lose my shit. I apologise, we chat, I explain why, he apologises….all within the safety of our home. He flushes the loo, picks up his clothes, puts things in bin (not all do the time but I don’t expect perfection…).

Your kids will be just as damaged growing up in a house where their DM suppressed her real emotions, than my kids who growing up in a house where I do. Just go for it and sort him out before the real world rips him apart!!!