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Original poster

Feeling low after spoiled evening

272 replies

pipwoes · 09/09/2022 20:52

This will put me to anyone who knows but I want to vent
I had tickets to a great gig tonight - a treat as it was also very local. DH and I were going and the plan was that DS(16) would keep an eye on the dog and Ds who's 10
We were getting ready and said " you need to go sit with him (DS2 age 10) and watch tv, make sure he brushes teeth and goes to bed ok"
Older DS starts moaning and groaning and says " he'll be ok. I don't need to sit with him" and so on. We had words earlier as he'd been mean to his younger brother mocking and mimicking him. I had offered money for the "babysitting" and to give him money to go to shop for some treats
He refused to say he'd go downstairs so now I've had to stay home (wouldn't have enjoyed myself leaving 10 year old alone) 10 year old has now gone with DH and I'm home with the teen who has zero regret or shame and just asked if o got him any treats in like I'd said I would.
I'm
Missing the gig and it wasn't cheap and now I feel thoroughly pissed off. Would you be? How can I make the teen see this isn't ok? The irony is we get a family friend the same age to babysits normally and all she has to do is sit with 10 year old and ensure he gets off to bed. I even offered to pay my son

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 10/09/2022 06:50

You know your children so only you know if you could have left them. Mine might have been fine, yours might not.
Why didn’t your Dh stay?

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2022 06:53

Yeah you should have gone: sounds like they’d have been fine - you ruined your own night op

OperaStation · 10/09/2022 07:07

I’m not surprised your 16 year old is so unhelpful, you seem to let them get away with murder. There’s absolutely no way I would have missed the gig just because the older kid was being awkward. Surely a 10 year old is happy watching TV by themselves just for one evening?

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10 year olds 16 year olds Families
MichelleScarn · 10/09/2022 07:08

5YearsLeft · 10/09/2022 03:02

Consensus seems to be (from 90+% of posters):

  • you asked DS16 to do something unreasonable
  • he told you it was unreasonable
  • you decided it wasn’t unreasonable so you sacrificed going to the gig and sent DS10 in your place (what kind of gig is this?)
  • maybe DS16 was callous about your own upset at your decision to miss the gig… but he thinks it was unnecessary and 90+% of Mumsnet agrees with him so… don’t know

Honestly, I’d imagine DS16 is going to view this the same way as whoever on the thread said you’re being a martyr. Being devil’s advocate here, but you didn’t say that he physically hurt his little brother. You said he “mocked and mimicked” him. Well, yes, if you, as the parent, constantly treat your DS10 in this manner, as if he is years younger than his actual age, as if he needs coddling when DS16 doesn’t, then DS16 is going to take the piss out of him. It’s only logical. Teenagers don’t argue like adults because they haven’t mentally developed into adults yet, so mocking and mimicking IS an argument.

I would try to think about what DS16 trying to “tell” you - both when he “mocks” DS10 and when he tells you that these things you think are necessary aren’t (did you insist on sitting with DS16 when he was 10, watching TV, and NOT doing anything in a separate part of the house? Maybe he didn’t like it? Or is it that you’re treating your current DS10 like a Precious Last Baby, constantly doing things for him you didn’t do for DS16? I don’t know; only you do). Just try to have some patience with your teenager. As I said, teenagers still don’t have fully-developed adult brains when it comes to being able to express their emotions, so you can’t treat this the same as a row with another adult. I doubt he meant to hurt you. But likewise, a lot of other adults are also telling you that you got it wrong, so don’t discount his opinion just because you’re the parent.

Also agree with this and pp who mentioned 'precious last baby' is ds2 molly coddled and golden child? Was ds1 winding him up or has that come from ds2 who's now managed to swing a night out to a gig in London and older bro in trouble?

Sswhinesthebest · 10/09/2022 07:22

He didn’t need sitting with, however ds1 has behaved badly in letting you down over something he agreed to.

I’d probably agree to something for ds1 at some point in the near future, then refuse to do it at the last minute. I would give in eventually, but only after having clearly explained the point how disappointing it is to be let down, and relating it to last nights incident.

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 07:28

Sswhinesthebest · 10/09/2022 07:22

He didn’t need sitting with, however ds1 has behaved badly in letting you down over something he agreed to.

I’d probably agree to something for ds1 at some point in the near future, then refuse to do it at the last minute. I would give in eventually, but only after having clearly explained the point how disappointing it is to be let down, and relating it to last nights incident.

ds1 didn't let her down. He agreed to stay with the 10 year old. He still was willin to. And he would have. Just not physically sit with him. It's the OP that changed the goal posts and then stayed home just because he wasn't going to actually physically sit with a 10 year old. DS1 didn't go back on his word or anything. It's the OP who changed it.

StoppinBy · 10/09/2022 07:39

Sswhinesthebest · 10/09/2022 07:22

He didn’t need sitting with, however ds1 has behaved badly in letting you down over something he agreed to.

I’d probably agree to something for ds1 at some point in the near future, then refuse to do it at the last minute. I would give in eventually, but only after having clearly explained the point how disappointing it is to be let down, and relating it to last nights incident.

Really?

That's not even what happened.

DS16 refused to go sit all night with DS10 (pretty reasonable) so OP deemed DS16 incapable of watching DS10 and stayed home. That's on OP, not DS16.

If DS16 had actually refused to stay home and keep an eye on DS16 you'd have a point but he didn't and you don't.

Bumpsadaisie · 10/09/2022 07:40

I think you're too anxious about your 10 year old and that's led you to BU in asking your teen not only to babysit (fine) but also dictating he must do the babysitting in slightly mad way of sitting with his brother constantly.

SucculentSunshine · 10/09/2022 07:50

You can absolutely trust a 10 year old to watch Tv alone until X time and then brush their teeth and get into bed.

I wonder if perhaps you martyred yourself a bit?

Midlifemusings · 10/09/2022 07:52

You were at fault. Expecting your 16 year old to sit beside the 10 year old and help him get thorugh his bedtime routine is nonsense.

You are taling about your ten year old as though he is 2 or 3.

Your 16 year olds job is to be sure the house doesn't burn down, no one gets hurt, and that to responds to an emergency should it happen.

I wonder if his mean behaviour relates to this bizarre attitude towards your 10 year old where you infantilize him and treat him like a baby and spend all your time with him as you feel he needs attention all the time. It has to be strange to live in your home.

ThisIsNotTheNews · 10/09/2022 07:55

Midlifemusings · 10/09/2022 07:52

You were at fault. Expecting your 16 year old to sit beside the 10 year old and help him get thorugh his bedtime routine is nonsense.

You are taling about your ten year old as though he is 2 or 3.

Your 16 year olds job is to be sure the house doesn't burn down, no one gets hurt, and that to responds to an emergency should it happen.

I wonder if his mean behaviour relates to this bizarre attitude towards your 10 year old where you infantilize him and treat him like a baby and spend all your time with him as you feel he needs attention all the time. It has to be strange to live in your home.

😂

oh hark at the shrill voice of high judgement

diddl · 10/09/2022 08:07

When did the 16yr old find out he was expected to actually sit with & supervise his brother?

Is he often mean to his brother?

If so perhaps he was never a suitable choice?

I'm guessing there is no friend/neighbour you could have asked at he last minute to either babysit or pop in a couple of times?

OneFrenchEgg · 10/09/2022 08:07

@PenguinMan was that to me? I agree, typical sibling behaviour is fine but during their teens mine could be vile to each other and one was quite sensitive. Endless going on about him being soft/unfit/whatever. Yes we dealt with it, but not being there if he was in that mood would not have been nice for the other one.

butterflied · 10/09/2022 08:22

Is the 10 year old the golden child? Sounds like it to me. He won this one, didn't he?

Got to go to a gig because a 16 year old refused, entirely reasonably, to 'sit' with him. And his brother is in trouble.

You ruined the evening for yourself.

Lipsandlashes · 10/09/2022 08:28

You sound beyond ridiculous. 10 year olds are more than capable of sitting watching TV alone for a few hours. Way to teach your 16 year old how to get their own way.

AlmostDone7 · 10/09/2022 08:30

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 05:55

@AlmostDone7 I wouldn't have left my 10-year-old with a 16-year-old sibling who had already mocked and mimicked him?

I think that's a bit of an over-reaction! It sounds like they just have a typical sibling relationship. I don't think the 16 year old was going to beat him up or anything! The 10 year old could have done his own thing in his room, so didn't have to be with the 16 year old anyway, to be mocked or mimicked.

Show quote history

Do they have a typical sibling relationship? I have a 6-year gap between two of mine and while the older one sometimes wants space, he would never belittle or mock the younger child? It's quite the age difference. And what's with the exclamation marks? Is someone not allowed to disagree with the majority?

And I have higher expectations for my kids than not getting beaten up, so not sure what that is about either?

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 08:32

I can't believe that you are getting flamed OP! While I agree that a 10 yo is capable of watching TV alone and putting themselves to bed etc, it's not a set up I would want in my household at all. I totally understand why you didn't go, however there would have been big consequences for the 16 yo. Honest to God, I would do him no favours for weeks now.

PortalooSunset · 10/09/2022 08:43

There's a similar age gap between my dc. Unless your younger one has additional needs I don't think it's necessary for them to be in the same room. I'm afraid I think you were OTT for not leaving them to it. What was dh's view?

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/09/2022 08:43

So why DID the 16 yr old actually have to physically sit with the 10yr old OP?

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 08:48

AlmostDone7 · 10/09/2022 08:30

Do they have a typical sibling relationship? I have a 6-year gap between two of mine and while the older one sometimes wants space, he would never belittle or mock the younger child? It's quite the age difference. And what's with the exclamation marks? Is someone not allowed to disagree with the majority?

And I have higher expectations for my kids than not getting beaten up, so not sure what that is about either?

Show quote history

@AlmostDone7 I think belittling and mocking is part of the typical sibling relationship, is it not? That was my whole point. It's just normal. It's just ribbing. Not bullying or anything, the way you were acting was that the youngest son would be in danger somehow just because they rib each other, as is normal, sometimes. If siblings don't mock and rib each other I would think something was wrong, I don't know of any siblings who haven't on occasion.

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 08:50

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 08:32

I can't believe that you are getting flamed OP! While I agree that a 10 yo is capable of watching TV alone and putting themselves to bed etc, it's not a set up I would want in my household at all. I totally understand why you didn't go, however there would have been big consequences for the 16 yo. Honest to God, I would do him no favours for weeks now.

@Dacadactyl The 16 year old did absolutely nothing wrong, it's the OP that is unreasonable. Are you truly, genuinely stating that you think 10 year old soon to be high schooler needs his brother to actually physically sit with him? Because that is not at all normal!

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 08:52

That the OP has anyone at all defending her is what has me flabberghasted. Her behaviour and attitude was quite clearly wrong.

I hope she apologised to her husband for spoiling the night because of her very bizarre thought processes.

Original poster
pipwoes · 10/09/2022 08:53

OneFrenchEgg · 10/09/2022 08:07

@PenguinMan was that to me? I agree, typical sibling behaviour is fine but during their teens mine could be vile to each other and one was quite sensitive. Endless going on about him being soft/unfit/whatever. Yes we dealt with it, but not being there if he was in that mood would not have been nice for the other one.

This comment better expresses how I felt than maybe I explained it.
This was exactly it.
BUT I'm also having a good hard look at myself and checking my attitude to my younger son. I hope I don't infantilise him but maybe I do. Maybe I'm clinging onto him because he still hugs and likes me whereas the teen seems to hate me. I'm not stupid and whilst uncomfortable to read you may be right
On this matter of what 10
Year olds can/ should do alone I was going to post about being left alone generally / what freedom your 10 year olds have to e.g. walk to school / go out on bikes alone etc as this has come up this week too
Without meaning to drop feed my DS2 has friends who are allowed out in our small town as they wish (year 6) and to park etc and a couple stay home in summer hols no parents. I'm i retested to know if you hear 6 kids do this too. I've let mine go to park but not on bike on roads yet as we don't really cycle and he hasn't had much on road cycling experience. May as well be flamed for this too. I'm telling myself it's good for me to get honesty !

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 10/09/2022 08:56

Gilmorehill · 09/09/2022 21:17

You are being a martyr. Ds2 was perfectly safe.

This

Nidan2Sandan · 10/09/2022 08:58

I have 3 children. When my eldest was 10yo she was very mature, easily left alone and could walk around the estate, to shops etc alone no bother.

My middle child is 11 and only really matured this year enough to do like his older sister.

My youngest just turned 10, & whilst I would happily leave her alone downstairs whilst being babysit by her older sister. I still find it harder to give her freedom to do things like the shop & park alone. We are just starting to do this in little steps though.

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