Feeling low after spoiled evening

[pipwoes]

This will put me to anyone who knows but I want to vent
I had tickets to a great gig tonight - a treat as it was also very local. DH and I were going and the plan was that DS(16) would keep an eye on the dog and Ds who's 10
We were getting ready and said " you need to go sit with him (DS2 age 10) and watch tv, make sure he brushes teeth and goes to bed ok"
Older DS starts moaning and groaning and says " he'll be ok. I don't need to sit with him" and so on. We had words earlier as he'd been mean to his younger brother mocking and mimicking him. I had offered money for the "babysitting" and to give him money to go to shop for some treats
He refused to say he'd go downstairs so now I've had to stay home (wouldn't have enjoyed myself leaving 10 year old alone) 10 year old has now gone with DH and I'm home with the teen who has zero regret or shame and just asked if o got him any treats in like I'd said I would.
I'm
Missing the gig and it wasn't cheap and now I feel thoroughly pissed off. Would you be? How can I make the teen see this isn't ok? The irony is we get a family friend the same age to babysits normally and all she has to do is sit with 10 year old and ensure he gets off to bed. I even offered to pay my son

I am not saying he needs to be glued to him all evening, but I wouldn't like to leave the 10 yo feeling totally alone in the house while I was off out. I also wouldn't leave them together if I felt an off dynamic between them. I agree that teasing and mocking is normal between siblings, but as a mum I would know whether this was at an appropriate level or not. I am assuming the eldest was going too far.

I have children of almost the same age and in no way would the eldest not help me out unless they already had plans to go out.

Around here, 10yo's walk to and from school alone, go to the park and shops alone and I often see them cycling around town or on their scooters alone @pipwoes.

Many were left home alone during lockdown - at least for a few hours a day and some even let themselves into empty houses after school in year 6.

Unless there's SEN or similar, they really don't need 16yo siblings sitting in the same room as them while you pop out for a few hours.

re gneral freedom - what would they be doing in town? We live in a city so that hasn't come up - but I also have a boy in year 6 and Im happy with him at the park and walking 20 mins home from school - also staying in park near school on his own to play football etc. Just started a lot of that.

I would let him go into town if he had a specific plan/ a phone and was with friends I trusted!

The OP said the older child was mean to the younger one, that doesn't sound like ribbing to me? (I take it the OP knows how her kids are normally). I didn't act like he was in danger, I just wouldn't have left him with a sibling who was mean to him earlier, and I still wouldn't.

Just my opinion. Which I was offering to the OP.

My 10 year old walks to and from school alone (15 min walk each way) and has done since Easter of year 5. Gets the bus with eldest to and from town if they hang out together in the holidays to help us out. Goes to events with friends in the park, while I am in the general location but not right on top of them. Goes to the shop alone and on the odd errand to drop stuff off for me etc. Some of his friends are allowed more freedom than he is and some are allowed an awful lot less.

My 10 yo doesn't have a phone yet either.

If my parents had stayed home every time my 2 older sister's were "mean" to me they would never have left the house!

I think you are babying your 10 year old by the sounds, OP. Mine all walked to school and the park and could go to the shops alone by year 6. My youngest never took to bike riding and preferred to walk but the other two rose to see friends etc.

Next year for high school your son is going to have to manage everything on his own. I think it’s better for children to gradually do more themselves and have more freedom across Y5 and Y6 than be suddenly thrust into self-sufficiency in Y7.

I’m sorry but why the hell is everyone so accepting of the 16 year old being able to act like a spoiled bully ?

He didn’t need to be attached to the 10 year old for the evening by all means, but if it was that much of a drama for your teenage son to stay in and be around for the 10 year old sibling and you couldn’t trust him not to be nasty then you seriously need to look at what kind of man you are raising OP.

16 year olds can be immature and thoughtless, but there is no reason why they should be spiteful nasty bastards.

You wanted him to sit with your 10 year old? All evening? 👀👀

Surely a 10yo knows to brush their teeth and if he was to stay up a bit late so What?

It’s a difficult one. If both were well behaved normally then yes martyr. But OP knows family dynamics better, but in which case I would have looked for alternate arrangements rather than make 16yo babysit.

really depends on the boys relationship and whether 16yo was fine up until the night. If he was being forced into it and had already expressed he didn’t want to then it could have dealt with before the night.

typically though a 16yo should be fine to babysit a 10yo sibling as they both probably would have done their own things anyway

@pipwoes you sound lovely and very thoughtful.
I don't have any answers but I'm sure your capacity for being open to hearing hard opinions from other posters and self reflection will help you decide on a position on this stuff that meets your needs and allows you to be a good enough parent!!.

I think you need to look at how your eldest son is treating you. Your son is almost a man and how he behaves out in the world is important. Home should be the place where a team operates. He needs to see the team and be part of it.

Does he have other chores? Does he do homework of his own accord? Does he come home when he's meant to? Is his room reasonably tidy? How does he speak to you? Do you pay his phone? Do you pack his lunch? Do you do all of his laundry? How does he contribute? It's time he learned that life isn't all take, take, take, laid out on a plate by mummy.

Get the balance right with him accepting his responsibilities at home and getting to lead a nice life with it (phone iPad for, little luxuries,pocket money, etc etc) and when you ask him to do something, even of he doesn't want to, he damn well does it.

But OP did want the 10yo "sitting with" all evening! That's exactly why she chose to stay home - because the 16yo said she was being ridiculous and that he wouldn't be doing that.

The 16yo wasn't being spiteful at all. He was happy to stay home and supervise but he wasn't happy to have to sit with his 10yo brother all evening with no freedom to go and sit in his room etc.

10yo's don't need constant supervision - if that's what OP wants then her expectations are unrealistic and she set the 16yo up to fail.

My daughter will be 10 in February, so far I haven't let her walk/ride to school or friends by herself, I have left her home by herself while I went to the shops etc with doors locked and our dog inside with her.

My worry isn't with what she might do but a general distrust of other people and what could happen to her if by herself.

I'm also having a good hard look at myself and checking my attitude to my younger son. I hope I don't infantilise him but maybe I do. Maybe I'm clinging onto him because he still hugs and likes me whereas the teen seems to hate me.

You're heading into dangerous territory of creating a golden child of your younger son and your teen will notice this. It's unlikely to make the situation any better.

I’m also not with you op; a ten year old doesn’t need to be sat with, unless they have additional/special needs. He could easily entertain himself for an evening otherwise.

if your son always needs some one to sit with him and doesn’t have additional needs then you’re doing the lad no favours at all. He isn’t an infant.

it’s unfair on your older son to put this on him. In this he was in the right. Your other son wou;d have been alright and didn’t need to be sat with.

your Ott Reaction is making me wonder if you favour your younger son and it’s causing an issue on their relationship.

missing out was due to you and only you and you owe your older son an apology.

I left mine home alone from age 11 or so, with strict instructions, but I left them individually. I didn’t like leaving them together as I knew they would argue. They were much closer in age though.

They were allowed out from 7 in our quiet cul de sac. They always had strict limits to where they could go. The area was extended as they got older and they always had to be with a friend. As teens they were expected to check in with me if they were going further afield, but nowadays I’d just have find my friend switched on with younger teens,

I ask my 12 year old to sit with the dog if we go out. The thing is, he happliy agrees, says yes and goes downstairs.

I appreciate 12 is very different to a moody 16 year old. If he refused, I'd be annoyed, still go out but there'd be some form of consequence.

You should have gone out but once returned and discovered if he had or hadn't done what had been asked apply a consequence.

BUT I'm also having a good hard look at myself and checking my attitude to my younger son. I hope I don't infantilise him but maybe I do. Maybe I'm clinging onto him because he still hugs and likes me whereas the teen seems to hate me

likely as it seems you’re favouring one over the other. Creating the golden child who needs to be mollycoddled and being punitive to the elder. It will also impact how the older treats the younger. I can see why he reacted as he did to the ludicrous request of he had to actually sit with him. And then you not going so you could. I feel sorry for the kids.

@BatshitBanshee that's what I just said? I'm going to have to check myself and the general dynamic. No need to stick the knife in when I'm feeling shitty already and open to all sides of this.
Teen does nothing at home. Nothing. Doesn't even put his contact lens packet in bin or flush the loo often. How do you get them to do this without losing your shit? I lost it yesterday with him I think for being so selfish in other ways and it all building up.
I'm really not trying to drip feed hence going for chat not AIBU but like I say I'm taking all sides on board. Maybe I'm a bit fat martyr in my whole life. It's possible. I'm a people pleaser and now feeling pathetic !

Easy to see who the favourite child is isn't it? The teen will have noticed too, and when you didn't get him the treats who promised but the favourite gets to go out for the evening, you just showed even more that he is the favourite.

Good luck in your relationship with both sons. If you don't fix this soon, you'll find the relationship with your teen goes downhill dramatically. He was right, you werent, the youngest didn't need watched all night, he'd have been fine on his own watching tv.

Good to read your honesty and openness OP. Most kids below year 6 are allowed to go to the corner store to get sweets, ride their bike there, and to the park. Usually around age 8. Almost all kids have ridden bikes on roads for years (usually starting with a bike with training wheels at age 4) by 10 years old and ride to school as well, so it does sound like your son is quite developmentally delayed, by that I mean by what his experiences are compared to other children, and I would very concerned at that and the level of sheltering. He'll be in secondary school in a year or so and him not being able to bike to the shops (I did at age 7, as did many of my friends) or park is quite disturbing because high school will be a culture shock he sounds like he doesn't have the social skills, or character/developmental skills to cope. I would be truly frightened for his able to cope in a year or so and I would be working right now on his personal growth OP, so he can.

Also, he's getting to the age where he soon won't need a sitter at all, in a year or two. In a couple of years time he should be getting himself to and from high school and either going to friends house straight after/hanging out at mall or coming home. So fostering good development and independence is important. I expected my 12 year old son to get dinner started when he got home, as I did when I was that age.

Sorry for that the typos in that last post.