Feeling low after spoiled evening

[pipwoes]

This will put me to anyone who knows but I want to vent
I had tickets to a great gig tonight - a treat as it was also very local. DH and I were going and the plan was that DS(16) would keep an eye on the dog and Ds who's 10
We were getting ready and said " you need to go sit with him (DS2 age 10) and watch tv, make sure he brushes teeth and goes to bed ok"
Older DS starts moaning and groaning and says " he'll be ok. I don't need to sit with him" and so on. We had words earlier as he'd been mean to his younger brother mocking and mimicking him. I had offered money for the "babysitting" and to give him money to go to shop for some treats
He refused to say he'd go downstairs so now I've had to stay home (wouldn't have enjoyed myself leaving 10 year old alone) 10 year old has now gone with DH and I'm home with the teen who has zero regret or shame and just asked if o got him any treats in like I'd said I would.
I'm
Missing the gig and it wasn't cheap and now I feel thoroughly pissed off. Would you be? How can I make the teen see this isn't ok? The irony is we get a family friend the same age to babysits normally and all she has to do is sit with 10 year old and ensure he gets off to bed. I even offered to pay my son

I understand your frustration that your 16 year old refused at the last minute to 'sit with the 10 year old and watch TV (and by implication from what you said) that was to be until the 10 year old was due to go to bed' - but I understand his frustration too that is what he would be expected to do

10 year olds are much more capable of looking after themselves than you appear to give them credit for. I'm sure you don't insist that your 10 year old is within your sight at all times. It wouldn't be good for either him or you if you did. So why did you expect your 16 year old to have to?

I'm sorry, but you not going out to something you really wanted to do smacks of deliberate 'martyrdom' and won't make your 16 year old feel sorry for you or shame him into babysitting the next time, if that's what you were hoping. I'm sorry your evening was spoilt - but that was actually your choice. You should just have gone out and had a good time. It wasn't your 16 year olds responsibility if you were too worried to go out because he wouldn't be sitting right beside your 10 year old all evening. That's on you, not him and you are being much too over-anxious

At the age of 16 I was a babysitter. I never sat and supervised the kids or put them to bed. They were around 10 years old and would be playing out when I got there. I was told what time they had to come in and shouted them in if they weren’t back. They’d generally go up to bed themselves and put themselves to bed. I’d eat the food and drink the pop they left me. And desperately try to stay awake until their taxi pulled up!!

My DD2 is 10, y6. This summer she started going out with friend (a friend) to the park, over to their house and up to the shopping mall. On an evening after she’s had her tea she tends to disappear to her room to watch her own tv/iPad and puts herself to bed. Very little input from me these days. The only input I give now is if she needs a shower or hair washing as I tend to hover around and make sure she’s done it properly and then I have to dry her hair. She currently is never left home alone though. Not even for 10 minutes.

DD1 is 13 with ASD (no learning difficulty though and incredibly sensible). She is left home alone - before and after school when I go to work and if I go shopping and she doesn’t want to come. She has her phone and sometimes calls. However I’d never leave her alone with DD1 yet. They argue and wind each other up all the time. So if I want to go out on an evening they have to stay and my DM’s (dad doesn’t live with me). Next year though when DD2 joins DD 1 at high school they will need to be left mornings and after school when I’m at work (only part time so not everyday). But I wouldn’t be putting DD1 in charge or asking her to make sure DD2 is supervised.

OP I think this is the year where you need to start giving your child some freedoms to try staying home half an hour alone, or going out with friends in the area (by foot or it makes you feel better). I don’t know your children so can’t decide if I’d have left them home alone for the gig or not but if you’d planned to then you just have thought your 16 year old was capable to be responsible. I really wouldn’t have give him the role of making sure teeth were cleaned and younger one was in bed. I wouldn’t have expected him to sit with him either.

Depends on if you had agreed this much earlier or if you sprung the babysitting on ds1 just before you were about to go out. If it was the latter, no wonder he moaned about it. If he knew, then you should have told him to shut up and get on with it and then just have gone out. Unless your ds2 has special needs, I don't think you needed to have someone literally 'sit' with him all night. When I was 16, no way would I be wanting to stay in with my 10 year old brother on a weekend night when I could be out round town lol.

I don't believe in making kids go to bed anyway. Just leave the kids alone.

Love it.

You should have gone to the gig, a 10 year old is capable of asking his sibling if he needs anything and doesn’t need sitting with. I know you probably want them to bond but I’m sure they would have spoken to each other if needed. Do they have similar interests.

Your post has revived some horrible memories of my older siblings babysitting me at the same age. Siblings have same age gap. Your teen sounds as horrible as my siblings.

At 10 your youngest isn't a baby, so it would have been pk to leave him as long as his brother didn't go out. I'd have give 10yo my mobile number and told him to call if he needs help /text to let me know he'd cleaned his teeth and gone to bed. And tgat he'd get a lovely treat when you next go out. 16yo would have got much less if he at least stayed home and didn't upset his brother.

You’ve played right into his hands! Needs grounding and/or privileges removed. Actions = consequences

Not directly about OP but it’s interesting on this thread how many see an older child as a free babysitter. Yes they should be able to but it seems some people expect the older child to do the babysitting without thought to them still being a teen.

I dread to think of the levels of parentification going on

There are 16 year olds who have their own babies. Not ideal perhaps but no one suggests they are unfit to be parents because of their age.

It's really not unreasonable to expect a 16 year old who has agreed in advance to do something as a one-off (look after their younger sibling) to honour their commitment. Nor is it expecting them to do 'parenting'.

My sons (similar age gap) love it if we go out. They get some treats and watch a film together. I am sure they get up to some stuff that they couldn't if we were here. And the younger one gets to go to bed a bit later than if we were there.

There's no direct correlation between the work our teen does for us and the extras/cash we provide. It's just a mutually beneficial arrangement. If I were to pay him directly, he'd find it more difficult to say no when he didn't feel like doing it, fearing he would miss out on his social life or treats.

My kids started going out a little bit and being left alone for an hour or so in the springish sort of time of year 6. Maybe that’s not correct for all but it felt right to me 😊.

I know you said how do I deal with the 16 year old without losing my shit….. I would have totally lost my shit and I’m not ashamed to say that tbh. Absolutely selfish behaviour and they’re getting too old for it (my son is nearly 16). I don’t think my son could be bothered with the hassle of dealing with me. Maybe you need to get angrier. Some people might not agree but I take my sons phone away if he is being disrespectful, I pay the bills because he’s a nice, kind, respectful boy but if that’s not the case he doesn’t get rewarded. I’m sorry you missed the gig!

You spoiled your own evening.

You chose not to go for a ridiculous reason. Nothing to do with teen's terrible behaviour

If I were him I'd be confusedas to why you're blaming me!

Are you sure you wanted to go to this gig op??

because the eagerness with which you seem to have leapt to not going is surprising for someone who was supposedly very much looking forward to something!

And unless your 16 year old had a lobotomy hours before your evening out - odd you wouldn’t have secured an alternative arrangement for looking after your younger son

Don't ask him again. Pay the babysitter.

Reality is there’s not much for a 16 year old to actually do on a Saturday night!

many are just gaming anyway these days or virtually engaging with their friends

Did the op clarify what she usually does with regard to socialising and leaving her 10 year old?

Behaviour of a brat, when he asked me for something I'd say no every time until his attitude changed and he realised he'd get nothing until he gave a little back. X

It was not the 16 year old who behaved like a brat.

But the 16 year old didn't refuse. It was the OP who made a ridiculous song and dance about the 16 year old having to sit with the 10 year old, make sure he goes to bed.