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Original poster

Feeling low after spoiled evening

272 replies

pipwoes · 09/09/2022 20:52

This will put me to anyone who knows but I want to vent
I had tickets to a great gig tonight - a treat as it was also very local. DH and I were going and the plan was that DS(16) would keep an eye on the dog and Ds who's 10
We were getting ready and said " you need to go sit with him (DS2 age 10) and watch tv, make sure he brushes teeth and goes to bed ok"
Older DS starts moaning and groaning and says " he'll be ok. I don't need to sit with him" and so on. We had words earlier as he'd been mean to his younger brother mocking and mimicking him. I had offered money for the "babysitting" and to give him money to go to shop for some treats
He refused to say he'd go downstairs so now I've had to stay home (wouldn't have enjoyed myself leaving 10 year old alone) 10 year old has now gone with DH and I'm home with the teen who has zero regret or shame and just asked if o got him any treats in like I'd said I would.
I'm
Missing the gig and it wasn't cheap and now I feel thoroughly pissed off. Would you be? How can I make the teen see this isn't ok? The irony is we get a family friend the same age to babysits normally and all she has to do is sit with 10 year old and ensure he gets off to bed. I even offered to pay my son

OP posts:
5YearsLeft · 10/09/2022 03:02

Consensus seems to be (from 90+% of posters):

  • you asked DS16 to do something unreasonable
  • he told you it was unreasonable
  • you decided it wasn’t unreasonable so you sacrificed going to the gig and sent DS10 in your place (what kind of gig is this?)
  • maybe DS16 was callous about your own upset at your decision to miss the gig… but he thinks it was unnecessary and 90+% of Mumsnet agrees with him so… don’t know

Honestly, I’d imagine DS16 is going to view this the same way as whoever on the thread said you’re being a martyr. Being devil’s advocate here, but you didn’t say that he physically hurt his little brother. You said he “mocked and mimicked” him. Well, yes, if you, as the parent, constantly treat your DS10 in this manner, as if he is years younger than his actual age, as if he needs coddling when DS16 doesn’t, then DS16 is going to take the piss out of him. It’s only logical. Teenagers don’t argue like adults because they haven’t mentally developed into adults yet, so mocking and mimicking IS an argument.

I would try to think about what DS16 trying to “tell” you - both when he “mocks” DS10 and when he tells you that these things you think are necessary aren’t (did you insist on sitting with DS16 when he was 10, watching TV, and NOT doing anything in a separate part of the house? Maybe he didn’t like it? Or is it that you’re treating your current DS10 like a Precious Last Baby, constantly doing things for him you didn’t do for DS16? I don’t know; only you do). Just try to have some patience with your teenager. As I said, teenagers still don’t have fully-developed adult brains when it comes to being able to express their emotions, so you can’t treat this the same as a row with another adult. I doubt he meant to hurt you. But likewise, a lot of other adults are also telling you that you got it wrong, so don’t discount his opinion just because you’re the parent.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 10/09/2022 03:58

god if I were your partner I would have been well pissed off at you for spoiling the evening.

StoppinBy · 10/09/2022 04:02

You ruined it for yourself I think.

Your 16 year old was in the house, he didn't need to sit with your 10 year old. As a 16 year old I would have whined about that too, as an adult, I would raise my eyebrow and wonder what sort of 10 year old you had raised that couldn't watch tv or read etc by themselves for a night.

To be honest, for one night, I wouldn't have even cared if the kids didn't brush their teeth and stayed up all night until exhaustion drove them to bed.

You should have gone and enjoyed your night.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds 16 year olds Families
rocketfromthecrypt · 10/09/2022 04:07

SnowDear · 09/09/2022 21:49

He’s 10 not 2

This.

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 05:07

Can I ask why on earth you thought your eldest had to actually physically...sit.... with DS10? As long as DS10 is in his room reading, watching tv in the loungeroom or whatever and DS16 knew where he was, and DS10 knew where his older brother was, what does it matter? Does it matter exactly where they are located in the house? Is there some reason why you needed DS16 to actually physically sit with a 10 year old boy? Does DS10 have special needs? When I was sitting for siblings as is normal, I'd just say shout out if you need anything and leave them to watch their movie or doing their hobby in their room, while I did my thing. That's how normal people do it.

So you missed a show because you were obsessed with NEEDING your oldest son to physically sit with his younger brother at all times? Seriously, what a bizarre thing. Absolutely batshit bizarre behaviour from you. What on earth was going through your head that you thought a 10 year old needed that? This is the most batshit thing I've ever read on this entire site.

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 05:09

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 10/09/2022 03:58

god if I were your partner I would have been well pissed off at you for spoiling the evening.

This. I'd be wondering what was wrong with my DH if his thought process was as bizarre as the OP's. I'd be thinking of getting him checked out by a GP. Thinking a 10 year old needs to be physically sat with is the most bizarre and batshit beyond crazy thing I've ever read. I just can't even....

Oblomov22 · 10/09/2022 05:17

I too can't believe you didn't go. What a martyr. And I would've told ds1 before I went that his attitude had already ruined it for me. Ds2 is 10, not a baby. More fool you for not going.

Oblomov22 · 10/09/2022 05:20

Agree with Catfish, what is wrong with your Dh too? any sensible male would've insisted you both go. He's as wet lettuce as you are!

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 05:26

Also at 10 years old, he doesn't need to be 'made sure' he brushes his teeth. He either does or he doesn't. He's not a 6 year old who needs to be told to brush their teeth. He's too old for that. And I am sure a 10 year old can put himself to bed. You seem to be a helicopter mother on steroids.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/09/2022 05:26

What a weird situation.

DS (10) needs to be sat with all evening - why? Every evening? Or was this just some kind of weird rule you put in place because your DS was baby sitting? If so, why?

MabelFay · 10/09/2022 05:28

Im an NQT (qualified 2021) and been teaching at a school since Jan (I worked as a cover for the last school year and just started with my own class this week). I’m on a permanent contract and doing my ECT years. However, my husband and I have just found out I’m pregnant. We were not trying, it has been unplanned. Im terrified for my work but also thrilled for us as we’ve always wanted children (though this is a shock!). How will this impact my career as a teacher? I don’t know how to tell the school. Has anyone been in this situation too?

Clarinet1 · 10/09/2022 05:37

MabelFay · 10/09/2022 05:28

Im an NQT (qualified 2021) and been teaching at a school since Jan (I worked as a cover for the last school year and just started with my own class this week). I’m on a permanent contract and doing my ECT years. However, my husband and I have just found out I’m pregnant. We were not trying, it has been unplanned. Im terrified for my work but also thrilled for us as we’ve always wanted children (though this is a shock!). How will this impact my career as a teacher? I don’t know how to tell the school. Has anyone been in this situation too?

Think to need to start a separate thread for this!

Clarinet1 · 10/09/2022 05:39

If DS10 ended up going to the gig anyway, maybe you should have all gone!

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 05:41

SammyScrounge · 09/09/2022 23:06

There are a great many people on this thread who are casual about leaving a 10 year old in the care of teenager who may not be very caring about his little brother.
The OP would have been irresponsible to leave the boy when she had doubts. She knows her own children best.

@SammyScrounge The boy is 10 years old! He doesn't need his older brother to be 'caring', just be in the house. That's all. You're acting like the boy is a 2 year old. They're a high school and almost high school boy. Wtf is with this 'caring' business?

MrsMontyD · 10/09/2022 05:47

userlotsanumbers · 09/09/2022 21:33

no I wouldn't leave a ten year old without proper supervision. Negligent really.

Absolute rubbish, he's 10 and there would have been a sixteen year old in the house.

mountainsunsets · 10/09/2022 05:48

ThisIsNotTheNews · 10/09/2022 01:51

So many arseholes all in one place 🙄

Shame on you who would leave a 10yo to be bullied by a 16yo

If the 16yo is so awful, she shouldn't have arranged for him to babysit in the first place.

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2022 05:52

Hellocatshome · 09/09/2022 21:08

Unless you 10 year old has additional needs he doesnt need sitting with. Just having older DS in the same house and making sure he eats, brushes his teeth and goes to bed would be enough. Even if the 10 year old didn't brush his teeth or go to bed until late as long as he is safe as a one off surely it wouldn't really matter that much?

This.

I didn't sit in the same room as my ds when he was 10 and he does have additional needs.

I haven't read in so may find out he does but if he doesn't then your ds was babysitting by being in the house and taking responsibility.

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 05:55

AlmostDone7 · 10/09/2022 00:18

I wouldn't have left my 10-year-old with a 16-year-old sibling who had already mocked and mimicked him? And who was obviously reluctant? I would have done the same thing OP. Sorry your night was ruined. I had a terrible night too (Different reasons). Maybe the reviews to the gig will be terrible!

I don't think 16 years have a lot of empathy generally, it doesn't mean it won't kick in. I'm no expert but I remember on criminal minds once JJ said they could do any of their testing on teenagers as most of them would display as sociopathic! (Or something like that!).... It helps me sleep at night anyway. 😂

Disclaimer - I'm not saying any of this is fact, just a comment on a fictional programme!!!!

@AlmostDone7 I wouldn't have left my 10-year-old with a 16-year-old sibling who had already mocked and mimicked him?

I think that's a bit of an over-reaction! It sounds like they just have a typical sibling relationship. I don't think the 16 year old was going to beat him up or anything! The 10 year old could have done his own thing in his room, so didn't have to be with the 16 year old anyway, to be mocked or mimicked.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/09/2022 05:59

He refused to say he'd go downstairs so now I've had to stay home (wouldn't have enjoyed myself leaving 10 year old alone) 10 year old has now gone with DH and I'm home with the teen who has zero regret or shame and just asked if o got him any treats in like I'd said I would.

So ... you & DH allow your older boy to rule the roost?
He just has to say "I refuse", & both of his parents kowtow to him?

Your son didn't spoil your evening - you & DH did, when you meekly accepted that your 16 year old the boss of you. I have a feeling this missed gig is the tip on an iceberg ...

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 06:01

ThisIsNotTheNews · 10/09/2022 01:51

So many arseholes all in one place 🙄

Shame on you who would leave a 10yo to be bullied by a 16yo

@ThisIsNotTheNews ODFOD Where do you get that the 16yo would 'bully' the 10yo? Not even the OP said that. It sounds like the boys just have a typical sibling relationship. I don't think the 16 year old was going to beat him up or anything or bully him! Give your head a wobble and get a grip, you are being melodramatic! The 10 year old could have done his own thing in his room, so didn't have to be with the 16 year old anyway, to be 'bullied'.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 10/09/2022 06:07

You ruined your own evening! Yes the 16 year old sounds selfish but you could have left them.

CatsandFish · 10/09/2022 06:07

5YearsLeft · 10/09/2022 03:02

Consensus seems to be (from 90+% of posters):

  • you asked DS16 to do something unreasonable
  • he told you it was unreasonable
  • you decided it wasn’t unreasonable so you sacrificed going to the gig and sent DS10 in your place (what kind of gig is this?)
  • maybe DS16 was callous about your own upset at your decision to miss the gig… but he thinks it was unnecessary and 90+% of Mumsnet agrees with him so… don’t know

Honestly, I’d imagine DS16 is going to view this the same way as whoever on the thread said you’re being a martyr. Being devil’s advocate here, but you didn’t say that he physically hurt his little brother. You said he “mocked and mimicked” him. Well, yes, if you, as the parent, constantly treat your DS10 in this manner, as if he is years younger than his actual age, as if he needs coddling when DS16 doesn’t, then DS16 is going to take the piss out of him. It’s only logical. Teenagers don’t argue like adults because they haven’t mentally developed into adults yet, so mocking and mimicking IS an argument.

I would try to think about what DS16 trying to “tell” you - both when he “mocks” DS10 and when he tells you that these things you think are necessary aren’t (did you insist on sitting with DS16 when he was 10, watching TV, and NOT doing anything in a separate part of the house? Maybe he didn’t like it? Or is it that you’re treating your current DS10 like a Precious Last Baby, constantly doing things for him you didn’t do for DS16? I don’t know; only you do). Just try to have some patience with your teenager. As I said, teenagers still don’t have fully-developed adult brains when it comes to being able to express their emotions, so you can’t treat this the same as a row with another adult. I doubt he meant to hurt you. But likewise, a lot of other adults are also telling you that you got it wrong, so don’t discount his opinion just because you’re the parent.

There is a lot of wisdom in this post.

Jumpking · 10/09/2022 06:16

Seriously OP?

Completely your own fault, and DHs too, that you missed the gig.

Take a good look at your parenting and think about the long term impact your short term actions are going to have.

HikingBoots · 10/09/2022 06:21

What a palava!
Why does a 10 year old need to have someone sitting with him?
And all of this fuss about making sure he goes to bed and brushes his teeth. Surely one late night won't hurt him.
So now you've ruined your own evening OP.
This is an excellent example of the often life-limiting nature of highly-strung middle class parenting!

Cas112 · 10/09/2022 06:22

You should have just goneConfused