What do you think is the ideal child custody arrangement?

[AdamRyan]

Having read yet another thread where the poor op is being crucified for doing 50/50 care with exH, sometimes it feels as if MN is all "LTB" on the relationships board and then "child is not a parcel" on parenting threads and it confuses me.

So, what is the best set up, assuming 2 parents both want to see their children ad much as possible?

Only 50/50 is fair to both parents and the kids, presuming both parents are decent enough, and nobody has moved 100 miles away.

For the child probably that thing where they stay in one place and it’s the parents who move in and out. Not sure that’s possible for most people.

I think 50/50 must be tough on the kids to be honest especially if there are step or half siblings there all the time. They must always feel like a visitor.

50/50 with the added proviso that neither parent can move a ling way seat whilst the kids live at home and the parents must be (at least as far as the kids are concerned) civil.

As long as there are no safeguarding concerns this should be the presumed norm I think-and it's legally starting to be in lots of other countries-we are way behind.

• al king way away

I know a family where dad moved a few doors down so the kids could pretty much move freely between the two and parents spent time at each others' home. It worked really well. Most people can't achieve that degree of amicableness sadly.

The best arrangement is child centred.
Which means it will be different for every child, and for the same child could vary over time.

I know a child who never does more than 2 nights before switching, even if only for 1 night - from the outside it looks like unsettled hell, but she just likes it. Entirely driven by her. My own 14yo can come and go as she pleases so I’m confident that she’s also happy with the mix.

50/50 is best for the kids.

Yeah, I think 50/50 is best and fairest. But as soon as someone says that's what they are doing, loads of posters come along to tell them how awful it is for the children. It's very weird and makes me wonder if there is some strange agenda at play.
The fact none of those posters have showed up here yet is also puzzling

To be honest I think 50/50 is good for parents but NOT for kids. That's the dilemma. Would you like to move out of your home every other week or 4/7 days a week . I know I wouldn't.

The ideal is where the kids can choose where to stay and with whom pretty much independently but unless you can move into the same road I am not sure how practical it is.

Also when they get to teens they don't want to go and 'see dad' because they are kids and want to see friends. Therefore dad loses out. So above all I would say staying in the same area as the kids friendship group is the most important. That way they can be normal teens, stay at dads but see friends. Because if teens have to choose.. they will choose friends above either parent !

The ideal is homes next door, or the same street with ample space for the children in each. Then they can easily go between.

I posted on that thread in support of the OP- it's really horrible to see the negative posts on these kinds of threads as usually the OP is feeling very vulnerable and bruised in a situation they don't really want to be in, and then there's a big pile on. I think a lot of posters project their own difficult childhood experiences on the OPs situation, forgetting that the OPs life is not the same as theirs.

50/50 is most certainly not the best for some DCs. It suits the parents.

Flexible. My ex is a chef and I work from home so he has every Sunday off so has the children every Sunday plus whatever weekday he has off and lets me know each Saturday. Not being too rigid and speaking about it.

I appreciate this isn't doable for everyone.

I don't think there is an ideal...

It very much depends.50/50 is not always best for a checked out parent. A parent who has shown no interest in parenting up to that point.

If a parent isn't interested in education.

Also depends on age.. very young 50/50 no.

I see 50/50 often used as a point of avoiding paying maintenance..

For some children 50/50 is perfect but often think it isn't about what is best for the child

Agree its what is best for the child.

Someone I know has got a great arrangement with their ex. They work in similar industries and both have a four days on - four days off shift pattern. When they separated they sorted it with each other and their respective employers so that his four days on coincidence with her four days off and visa versa. DC spends four days with each parent during their four days off and was already used to not seeing the other parent during their days on (12hr shifts). Means they all get rotating days too and are not limited to set dates/days such as EoW, school holidays, etc.

Why do you think it’s best though?

To me, saying 50:50 is ‘fairest’ sounds like you’re treating the child as a pizza or a portion of chips and making sure neither parent gets an extra slice or chip. What’s best for the child should be the main concern.

I would love 50/50 it would absolutely be my ideal! So many women are against it though but I’ve also seen dads on here that only see their kids eow labelled as dead beats so seems they can’t win either way, if a dad wants 50/50’hes apparently only doing it to lower maintenance payments 🙄 so does that mean if a woman doesn’t want it it’s only because she wants more maintenance payments 🤔 Dads that see their kids eow are considered dead beats on here I’ve even seen dads that see their kids every weekend slated as op then “doesn’t get any fun times with her kids”

Being recently separated myself i think 50/50 is only fair to the parents - I don't think it is fair on the child at all but really depends on the kind of family you had before the break. My STBEXH did maybe 10% of the parenting before our split the reality is that it wouldn't be fair on the kids to subject them to 50/50. I actually think one evening in the week and every other weekend is fairest on all parties unless the other parent was particularly hands on before - which is pretty rare

I think most DC like the security one permanent base. I would hate having to pack a bag every few days and live between 2 homes, never knowing where my things were. Which parent i needed to ask if I could go to a party etc. Personally I'd find that unsettling.
So I think DC sleep at one home with perhaps a weekend night at non resident parent. But non resident parent still sees them as much as possible, does school runs etc.
There isn't a perfect solution, there will always be compromises but it should be child led.

Because I think children deserve an equal relationship with both parents, especially if that's how it's been until the divorce.

I think its unfair to expect one parent (usually the dad) to see their children less, and I think its unfair to ask children to choose who to live with.

50/50 seems like the best solution in an imperfect situation. To me.

@AdamRyan

But the reality is most children don't have an equal relationship with both parents even in families that are still together - especially when they are younger- 50/50 often forces something that wasn't there before

Women always think dads should only see their children on weekends eow, I wonder if the roles were reversed would you be happy seeing your kids eow? Then men are slammed for not doing enough and opting out of parents and leaving the woman to do it all 🤔 seems many want it that way

We do 50/50, and the only things being brought backwards and forwards are electronics and a Ted each...they have everything they need at both houses so aren't packing bags. We are reasonably amicable and flexible, live nearby, and the kids are happy. When they're older they'll be able to come and go as it suits

@Runnerduck34 is that your experience though?
My teen has 2 homes and though we have a loose structure, is free to move as she wishes.
She sees both homes as permanent homes - rather like her best friend who spends about 3 in 4 weekends in a second home, chunks of holidays.
As for packing a bag? She never has, in 10 years. Her phone and school bag is the only thing that goes between homes - and they don’t need packing.
She doesn’t ask either of us if she can go to a party! She just accepts and expects us to deal with it. I’ve phoned her dad 30 mins before drop off to say, “she’s just been invited to a sleepover…” and he’ll laugh and say, “she’s not coming here then!” If we can sort that out with 30 mins notice, we certainly can with days.

The frequency and pattern don’t matter - what matters is how everyone handles it. She would honestly just look at you like this: 🤨 and say, “they’re both my bases though.”