What do you think is the ideal child custody arrangement?

[AdamRyan]

Having read yet another thread where the poor op is being crucified for doing 50/50 care with exH, sometimes it feels as if MN is all "LTB" on the relationships board and then "child is not a parcel" on parenting threads and it confuses me.

So, what is the best set up, assuming 2 parents both want to see their children ad much as possible?

Divorce is bad. It's often better than the alternative of course, but I don't think anyone claims that divorce is good do they? No-one looks at their newborn and thinks 'oh I just hope that one day they can come from a broken home'.

Probably not a popular opinion, but while 50/50 might be the fairest on the parents, it sounds awful for the kids. I think ideally the children should have one home and they stay with the non-resident parent once a week or every other weekend, plus see non-res parent a couple of times during the week for dinner or whatever. I'm not divorced nor am I an expert, but off the top of my head that makes the most sense to me.

My parents spilt up when I was 3 and they did 50/50 until I could tell them I hated it when I was 13 and they started listening.
It was exhausting and annoying, I was always leaving things in the 'wrong' house, like homework, or a raincoat or somehow all of my underwear.
If your parents don't have doubles of everything you sort of end up living partially out of a suitcase because its only so long before you gave to pack half the stuff back up again. Or they do have doubles but stuff still gets lost or swapped and you ebd up with two coats at Mums but no pyjamas.

Both houses eventually had step siblings living in them full time- so I felt like they were the ones who lived their properly and I was an eternal visitor between them because I missed out on half the time with both of them.

When I was 13 I picked to live at my mums because she was closer to school and she was around in the evenings to check homework and talk, and I did every other weekend and most of the holidays at my dads, because he was around on weekends and had holidays off (teacher).
I think the best arrangements are what is actually best for the child practically- not just 50/50 to be 'fair'.
I liked both my parents more when I got to actually have a proper home as a base and to see my dad as much as I wanted.

I guess it also depends on finances, a rp and npr both able to afford suitable accommodation for 50/50..its doable. A nrp living in a bedsit or shared house whilst living on nmw isn't going to get far asking for 50/50 and can find DC not wanting to see them eow in a library or leisure centre. The main resident parent may be skint too with all the associated expenses but will get assistance to rent a bigger property on low income with DC. Unless both parents on low income get equality in assistance the children will inevitably end up with one parent majority time. Some people will never be able to get the lifestyle to enable equality time with both parents. Whatever the arrangement DC suffer being torn between parents emotionally unless parents are amicable and emotionally mature themselves.

Maybe I wasn't clear enough. I find that there is an air of judgement, like "that arrangement is bad" being said when the poster means "you are selfish to get divorced"

Whereas given a divorce is happening, I'm not sure any arrangements are particularly bad or good

This.

I have a 50-50 arrangement with my ex. If I am honest I don't think it's best for the dc. But he won't budge and wants them at least 50%. I am not really I a position to argue as they are equally happy with him. So we just get on with it but I am not convinced it's best really, chopping and changing every 7 days.

As a kid I had a friend whose parents did 50/50. They thought they were being very progressive and fair. The kid HATED it. Said she felt like a possession passed back and forth and neither place felt like home as always coming or going.

I used to spend weekends at my dad's and didn't question it. We all seemed happy with that.

Personally I think a child should have one main residence/home where they spend majority time, and have regular, routine time at the other parents.

I think 50/50 is more about two parents (or even just one) insisting on "sharing" and I'm not keen on it.

This is kind of our set up a lot of the time. Most people find it weird so I'm pleasantly surprised you think it's ideal

I’d say that the best is for the parents to stay living together, even if they no-longer want to be in a romantic relationship.

We agreed before we had children that even if we fell out or fell out of love with one another that we would stay living together until our youngest left home.

fairest for whom? Kids are concerned with anything being fair, so I think you are taking about parents here, not kids.

I have never especially noticed anyone being jumped on for doing 50/50 so I think you are seeing through your own agenda.

It seems to me that 50/50 can work, if the parents are co-operative and the kids have the kind of personalities that don’t mind moving about. But if the kids are the types to like one solid base, or the parents need a clear framework to co-operate, it may not.

Kids AREN’T concerned..

50/50 is best for the kids

say’s who? Every kid who has ever had to deal with this?

I was pregnant when my ex walked out. Should a newborn baby have had to forgo breastfeeding for 50/50? What about where one parent has stayed at home with young children and the other parent is seen only one weekends. How does 50/50 work out best for them?

I agree with @FarFromHome2

It's not a popular opinion on here but kids prefer parents in the same house. Unless there is abuse that should be the aim. 50/50 is commoditising the child.

I could not disagree more. Nothing is worse for children than living in a toxic household with bickering adults. They know more than we give them credit for and any contact arrangement would be preferable to them witnessing arguments and having that atmosphere in their home.

I think 50/50 is very hard for a majority of children. It may work for a few. The child is passed back and forth often for the benefit of the parents. It can also be used by a controlling ex or to stop and maintenance. Some adults on here can’t even cope with hot desking at work yet a child is expected to not have a base.

My kids could never cope with 50/50 hell my EX could never cope with 50/50 actually take responsibility for his own children perish the thought!

The best child custody arrangements are the ones that are the best for your child FIRST yourself/ex second this gets lost in the quest for "fairness"

Recently split with my children's father. He sent a letter stating he is willing to have them Wednesday 4-6 and Sunday 12-3... Now I don't think that's very fair on me

Then the adults need to act like adults, and not bicker.

If you have made the major decision to have children together then do the decent thing and accept that even if you fall out of love there’s no reason to make home life unpleasant.

Moving out is the easy, selfish choice. A better person would work to find a way to live together amicably. But no-one seems to want to do anything hard nowadays, even for their own children.

50/50 in two homes that are close enough that an older child could walk between them. Ideally Kids shouldn’t be denied a real relationship with one of their parents. if parents are flexible and understand that children are people with lives and opinions of their own it should work out the best for everyone.

I suppose the issue is that people with egalitarian marriages where both spouses are pulling their weight parenting and who both have positive relationships with the children, don’t tend to be the couples who divorce. It’s a lot easier to deal with other marital problems that might arise if you are married to a really good co-parent .

honestly, it depends on the family. for some 50/50 is great. When I was little, it would have been torture! I was a mamas girl from birth. I would see dad every Sunday and he would take me to school every morning (as mom worked super early). When mom worked nights I would spend a whole week at my dads (and hated it).

Whatever is best for the child. Like divorce, I think 50/50 is a good starting point, and then changed to the best interest of the child to something which they are secure, happy and confident with.

Obviously kids prefer parents to be married 🙄

I had a friend growing up whose parents lived separately in the same house but they didn't speak, had separate cupboards for food in the kitchen etc, it was extremely tense at her house. And all the children ended up damaged by it.

If people were happy to live together they probably wouldn't be divorcing.

😂

50:50 in terms of relationship but it's a lot of messing on kids. I would say one main home in week then weekends at other home.