What do you think is the ideal child custody arrangement?

[AdamRyan]

Having read yet another thread where the poor op is being crucified for doing 50/50 care with exH, sometimes it feels as if MN is all "LTB" on the relationships board and then "child is not a parcel" on parenting threads and it confuses me.

So, what is the best set up, assuming 2 parents both want to see their children ad much as possible?

You’ll get a lot of people saying 50/50 isn’t best for the kids

if you ask them whether the mum should be prepared to accept less than half they either say no, or are silent…

But numbers of hours doesn’t dictate equality of relationship.
My teen is with me more. Her choice.
She adores her dad, he adores her and they have a great relationship. “No offence mum, but I’ll wait til the weekend to go shopping with dad - he’s much better at mooching round shops with you!”
Our relationship with her is completely equal in quality and love.

I made it clear when we separated that i wanted my child to mainly be with me, have her home with me, but for him to see her lots and her to stay with him eow. On account of the fact that i do all the organising, am interested in her education when he is not, interested and engaged in her clubs when he is not. He said no chance, he wanted basically 50/50, which from the numerous conversations in the two years since is a) because of some sense of being a dead beat dad if he doesn't, and the external image and b) to pay less maintenance. He is still not interested in parenting. He looks after her, feeds her, keeps her alive during his days but has little routine or discipline, takes his holiday from work to pursue his own interests instead of spending extra time with her, and leaves 100% of organising, admin, appointments, everything to me. Will literally contact me when she is at his house to sort out issues. At the slightest suggestion that he may have her additional days the odd time to help me out, or anything else over and above his agreed 3 days a week, he hits the fucking roof.

I am still firmly of the belief it is better for her to see him for tea in the week and stay at his eow but mainly live with me. But at a total loss about how to make it happen. Opinion of friends and family is that all indicators point to the likelihood that it will happen naturally and i should wait it out rather than push it and potentially make him more determined to stick to his position (because that's exactly the sort of person he is!) I thought this at first, but here we are two years down the line. I feel like I'm failing her by not insisting on it, but equally unsure how i can insist on it and worried about making things worse.

My view is that - as much as possible - life should continue for kids post divorce as it worked pre divorce.

So if one parent did the vast majority of the parenting when the family was still together then it makes sense for that parent to carry on to do so afterwards. If the family was very balanced then 50:50 makes more sense.

In our case - not that we are planning a divorce - but we have always both been very involved parents who do a lot with the kids. But I have always been the primary carer and my work hours have been set up to facilitate that. So I would expect that the best thing for the kids would probably be lots of time with both of us but me being the primary carer.

What I’ve done is live in a full service building in a 4 bed unit and Daddy lives in a smaller unit. The children sleep in the same bed every single night. Daddy has as much time as he wants with the children but the children follies the same schedule. I have a full time nanny who is in charge of the schedule when I’m not there.

Its expensive but it works for now. As soon as another man is involved it will blow up and Daddy is sleeping around a lot, which he doesn’t know I know all about. The building has 24/7 security and they tell me everything. They don’t like the women he brings back and they told me so the children won’t be subjected to them.

Fair doesn't necessarily mean equal.

Is it fair to expect a child to move back and forth?
Is it fair for a child to have to regularly spend time away from the area where they have friends?

I think the best thing for all DC is to have one stable home. Somewhere where all their stuff is, somewhere they know they're coming back to all (or at least most) nights, somewhere with one set of consistent house rules, with one set of consistent people.

I think the best solution when parents split is for the child to live with one parent and to see and visit the other parent as much as possible, including overnight visits and holidays. But they should have one home.

I don't believe living 50/50 between two homes is in any way best for the children, particularly when you add in stepparents and step/half siblings.

I'm another one who doesn't believe 50/50 is fair to the child. I think the fairest thing for children, is to have one home/base but have plenty of interaction with the non resident parent.

Is it fair to expect a child to only see one parent EOW? Is it fair to make the child choose which parent that will be?

how often then? As I’ve also noticed women complaining that their ex won’t stick to set days and wants to come and go as they please and it’s confusing for the kids not having consistency

I was that child who did 50:50 from age 6 and no, it wasn’t ideal at all. It might have suited my parents so they could see me equally, however I became a child who got confused and tearful a lot (school reports mention this a lot in the Primary school years) through having such instability in my home life. By the time I was 12 I decided to change where I lived mostly which was a far better way for me.

Ultimately, children need intelligent parents who can put their issues with each other aside and work together to provide the best, most stable solution for their DC - whatever that looks like - and review it regularly, and allow the DC to voice their views when they are old enough.

I am definitely biased as am the higher earner and so spent more time working away than exH. He could have argued for EOW if he wanted, but I also worked 4dpw, did the lions share at weekends and am very close to my children. So would say even though he did more on the days I worked, overall it was fairly even.

However no way would I have insisted on EOW or made the children choose. So we do 50/50 at their request.

I also spend 50% at my house with my kids and 50% with DP at his house (1hour away and closer to my work). So also move my own stuff back and forth.

For my family, 50/50 is the best of a variety of less than ideal situations, including staying married to an EA porn addict.

50/50 can work but it’s takes a lot of organisation. There are so many occasions when a child says to me at school that they haven’t got X/Y/Z and won’t have it until next week because it’s at the other parent’s house. Yes, some could be using it as an excuse, but I think most are genuine.

It's doesn't have to be 50/50 or EOW, there are other possibilities.

I don't think it's ideal for children to only see one parent EOW but I do think if the choice is that or 50/50, then EOW is better. They're both rubbish, but 50/50 is worse.

And no, the child should not make that decision, the parents should based on who is best placed to provide a stable home for the DC. Or a court.

I would put money on the fact that most relationships that break down didnt have a completely fair 50/50 split of childcare before the family break-up, so it's not actually as hard as you might imagine to pick which parent is the resident one. That's certainly the case for the vast majority of Mumsnet LTB cases isn't it?

For my family, 50/50 is the best of a variety of less than ideal situations, including staying married to an EA porn addict.

The best thing for your children is to spend 50% of their time with an emotionally abusive porn addict?

I don't think there is an overall best way. . I think 50/50 can potentially be really disruptive to the DC, I've kniw families who have done this and the children never felt like they had an actual home neither house was their home

In my casei did and continue to do everything in relation to DC sbd exH sees them one day a week. I am MORE than happy fir him to have them more often but ge doesn't, despite frequently protesting that he wants to be more involved in their life, parenting etc.

There is no ideal as every family and breakup of different.

What's best for one child may not be best for another. In theory 5050 is fair on paper. But parents move locations/ have more children/different house sizes/ different rules/

Agree with this - I think this is probably ideal if the parents get on.

The problem is the reality is a lot of relationships with children that break up are highly toxic.

DS1 has not seen his dad in 11 years now, wouldn't recognise him in the street and that's perfect for us, unfortunately. DS was under 3 when he was having contact so not hugely able to explain much to me about it but he always found it very unsettling emotionally.

I lived with my mum and stayed with my dad at weekends, until he moved away when it turned into maybe every other school holiday. That wasn't enough. I don't feel like I have a good relationship with him. It's not bad as such. It's just he feels more like an uncle than my dad. I'm mystified and a little envious of my half-siblings who have a much closer relationship with him, even after he and my stepmum split up.

Ideal is having a stable base (so one main home) but having plenty of contact with other parent if they are not abusive, and once teens, freedom to come and go. It would have been nice to go to my dad's every other weekend, and have contact with him in between other than a phone call on my birthday, which was the only time he ever contacted us between visits.

Haha and there we go
Yes. Obviously the kids don't know about the porn and they love their dad. So the alternative would have been a bitter custody battle with him manipulating right left and centre and turning my children against me, which would cause them extreme distress and trauma.

Posts like this are so frustrating. As if life is just so simple.

I understand the reality is very complex, but your OP was asking about the IDEAL.

It's not ideal for children to move between their parents 50/50 and even less so when one of those parents is emotionally abusive.

Obviously, not everyone is able to achieve the ideal and you have to do the best you can. But I strongly dispute that the IDEAL, that we should be aiming for is 50/50.

Well. What is the IDEAL to you then?

Was thinking about this post whilst washing the dishes..

Thought about the post where Dad goes to work 10 till 12.30 barely sees children.. how can that be right for the child if they seperated to go 50/50....

I think with separation main carer should be taken into account.. not saying it should stay that way for ever but a seperation how much change does a child need ?

I've already posted further up the thread.

But basically, one consistent home and all the benefits that brings and then see the other parent as much as possible (assuming both parents are good parents).

The ideal to me would be 50/50, with each child having their own space at each home, preferably within walking distance, and relatively equal in terms of earnings of the parents and spending on the kids. A friendly relationship with the other parent, so a bit of give and take doesn't cause too much angst. Able to spend important times like graduations and weddings together.

I mean, my issue is just the blanket "that arrangement is bad" with no input as to what might be better.
It just comes across to me as the poster clearly thinking divorce is bad, full stop.