If Someone Lends You A Lot Of Money Do They Then Have A Say In How You Soend It?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

Just that really. Unfortunately DH & I have had to borrow money over quite a long period from DM & DF. DM has a tendency to interfere, trying to tell us how to spend or that we shouldn’t buy certain things. One of her phrases is “ Cut your coat according to your cloth”. She’s had quite a lot to say about the energy crisis. I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.She really upset DH. He has said to her that he hates the fact we’ve had to borrow so much. And it’s all the little digs like “ Ooh moneybags” if we go out for a meal ( very rare). I feel like I have to justify our spending. We haven’t been on holiday for 4 years, hardly ever go to the theatre or cinema etc etc. I can understand her concern because it really is a large amount & we won’t be able to pay it all back, although we’re trying our best. DF’s attitude is completely different. He’s happy to help & just says to pay back when we can. Does DM have a right to give advice on our spending?

The title should say Spend obviously!

I suppose it depends. If they have to keep lending to you because you're wasting money, then fair enough.

Borrowing money might come with strings attached and if your mother thinks you are wasting money after she has lent you a large amount then I can see why she might comment

Depends why you're borrowing money.

I agree it depends on where all your money goes . She's right about cutting your coat according to your cloth though,that was one of my mums favourite quotes

It shouldn’t (imo). But then I think lending money to family or friends is v tricky.
Your mother may have different views. If she’s lent you a lot and you still need more she may be getting frustrated. Though it is her choice to lend you the money in the first place. No easy answer to this situation.

I think it depends on how the loans are discussed & set up. Are you asking for money for specific projects, or is it money for the household pot, for example?

you say it’s a large amount and you may not pay it all back - did DM know this when the loan was agreed ? Sounds like she is not entirely comfortable with that.

Ultimately if the money is a loan, and not a gift, then I can understand how DM would be interested in how it was being spent.

If your having to borrow money from your mum in your 50s then you're not cutting your cloth are you?

Yes, in my experience. Look at people whose parents offer them money towards a wedding or a deposit on a house - it always comes with strings attached, even when it's given as a gift with no expectation of repayment. And in your case it doesn't sound like it was a gift, so repayment is expected before eating out in restaurants.

If you're borrowing money to pay normal monthly bills and then she sees you going out for a meal, she's got a right to comment.

If the money loaned was for a one-off unexpected situation and no option but to seek a loan which is being repaid regularly to the agreed schedule then she should not be commenting.

However I suspect you've borrowed the money and seen it as your right made no move to repay it.

The red flags are are there.
You're going to be so beholden.

No. But don't tell her how you are spending it either.
Mind you I'd be pretty annoyed if I gave some one some money as they 'need to pay for groceries' then sent me a pic of the new jeans they just bought. I'm looking at you, son.

She's probably concerned that your expenditure will rise with the increase of bills and you'll tap her up for even more money.

She is right that you haven't lived within your means as you have needed to borrow from her for a long period of time.

I see your mum's point of view tbh. I mean ideally she wouldn't say anything, but in this situation I can understand her wanting to "help" you to improve your budgeting skills.

Well, without hardly any detail it's difficult to say.

Well, there is another saying as well as the cut your coat one ...he who pays the Piper calls the tune. In the context of your living standards, unless there is a huge back story, it seems your parents are paying the Piper quite a lot if you are borrowing money, some of which you can't pay back.
The money you borrow might impact your DMS standard of living but she doesn't like to say directly. I often lend money to my Dd at times when things are tight but it is usually for a specific needed item they can't afford. It is sometimes what I consider quite a lot(like half a car and we have given the other half). However there is always an agreed payment plan and a direct debit set up. I would be very concerned if they were borrowing money they won't ever be able to pay back because although I love them, her dad and I would not be able to sustain that level of borrowing and DD wouldn't expect us to. I suppose that in answer to your question, in our case we always know what the borrowed amount will be spent on and how it will be paid back

If you’re having to borrow large amounts of money then you can’t afford to eat out in restaurants or go to the theatre.

It depends what you’ve borrowed the money for and why you’ve had to borrow so much you can’t pay it back?

If I was regularly lending/giving money to someone but then saw they were spending unnecessarily I’d be annoyed too.

What plans do you have in place to stop having to borrow more in the future?

Lending your dc money for a house deposit or car for work is different to lending for meals out.
I think you should grow up and start listening to the advice from DF and DM as they are obviously in a better position money wise than you are. What if they didn't have the money to give you, then you would be in more of a mess. Have you thought about how them lending you a large amount has affected them? Yes you'll probably say they are loaded, but you would need a huge amount of money not to miss a large amount especially if you are retired.

This. I wouldn’t just lend someone a pile of cash, I’d want to know what it was for and why they couldn’t pay for it themselves before deciding whether to lend the money.

I typically chose to gift rather than lend to family as it’s usually for something discretionary but that I want to help them with. E.g. I paid for DN to go on a school trip that she otherwise wouldn’t haven’t gone on.

If you ask someone for a loan, they have they right to know what the money is for. If you owe someone money and haven’t met the expected repayment while spending on non-necessities, then they are allowed to comment. If you owe someone money and continue to ask for additional loans while spending on non-necessities the person should refuse the request.

Generally no BUT sounds like this has been going on for a long time. Presumably you both still work, they're both retired and they're still digging you out of financial holes and it isn't a loan if you'll never pay it back. Clearly your Mom doesn't think you know how to handle money or live within your means. Awaiting a drip feed but I can kind of see her point.

If I lent someone a lot of money and they were paying it back very very slowly, I would be a bit cheesed off if they were spending on frivolous things like meals out and theater trips.

It does depend on the circumstances. If I was lending money constantly to my dc to pay bills and I saw they were going to the theatre and evenings out then I might make a comment.

Maybe she's just deeply frustrated she's having to lend money to someone in their 50s.