If Someone Lends You A Lot Of Money Do They Then Have A Say In How You Soend It?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

Just that really. Unfortunately DH & I have had to borrow money over quite a long period from DM & DF. DM has a tendency to interfere, trying to tell us how to spend or that we shouldn’t buy certain things. One of her phrases is “ Cut your coat according to your cloth”. She’s had quite a lot to say about the energy crisis. I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.She really upset DH. He has said to her that he hates the fact we’ve had to borrow so much. And it’s all the little digs like “ Ooh moneybags” if we go out for a meal ( very rare). I feel like I have to justify our spending. We haven’t been on holiday for 4 years, hardly ever go to the theatre or cinema etc etc. I can understand her concern because it really is a large amount & we won’t be able to pay it all back, although we’re trying our best. DF’s attitude is completely different. He’s happy to help & just says to pay back when we can. Does DM have a right to give advice on our spending?

Wow that is a lot of expensive socialising you are doing.

OP massively taking the piss (and the handouts) out of elderly parents. It’s not borrowing/lending if you don’t pay it back. What would happen if they suddenly ran out of money and into hard times because they no longer have the cash and you won’t pay it back?

Call me crazy, but you could use this as an opportunity to learn and make changes instead of deleting the thread and going back to the mindset that there's no problem.

Yes, especially if you still owe them money and ask to borrow more.

In your 50s and living so far beyond your means that you are regularly borrowing so much money from your (presumably elderly)parents that you actually acknowledge you cannot repay it.

I think that's really reprehensible.

Sit down with your DH and draw up a proper budget that INCLUDES repayments to your parents. And start being honest about your spending habits.

Bloody well sort yourself out.

Totally agree. Use your embarrassment to turn things around so you can be proud of your financial management and independence.

Let's be honest OP doesn't want to use this as a learning opportunity or she'd have taken her moms advice on board

Of course they do, its their money.

We are definitely not borrowing anymore. DH set up a standing order a while back but DF told him there was no need. He & DM clearly don’t communicate sometimes!

Or your DF isn't fed up of you yet but your DM is.

I don’t know where people have got the idea that we’re socialising all the time. I did say that we very rarely go out for meals. And where do the dates come from? I was at home on Aug 27th. We did have lunch out yesterday but it was for DH’s birthday & I didn’t put it on here.

OK OP, so on the basis that you ate not borrowing any more mone

Oh sorry yes I did. But not the 27th

OK OP, on the basis that you are not borrowing any more money from them, then agree a payback schedule with your DM and make it slightly larger than you are comfortable with.
That may appease your DM.

I agree with this. I know it’s totally uncomfortable and it sounds like you just want to run away and hide and wish you’d never posted, but we all make mistakes! We’ve all done things at some point and realised or had it pointed out to us that we’ve messed up. If you see now, and it looks like you do otherwise you wouldn’t feel embarrassed, then that’s a good thing! Don’t run away and pretend it didn’t happen and go back to your previous patterns, just hold your hands up, accept you’re human, you’ve messed up just like the rest of us have and make the changes you need to feel better about it all.

You were planning pizzas with two old friends at a pop up place on the beach for a belated birthday on the 27th. You do record your bank holiday plans here with some regularity.
I accept this might not have gone ahead.

Seriously, scrap the takeaways, which according to your previous threads, are very frequent. If I was on your mums position, I'd be frustrated too.

And go ahead with that direct debit, and don't use your DF's relaxed attitude as an excuse to cop out of it. He's not more important than his wife, and it's the right think to do.

Thing, even

My friends paid for the pizzas - sorry I got my dates muddled & realised I was out on the 27th.

Don't delete the thread - use this to fix the situation!

I think if "all the little digs" are happening when you go out for dinner, get a takeaway, etc then you're probably going out more than you think. And your mum is probably hearing about a £25 birthday dinner and thinking...I'm paying for that!

I think you need to set up a DD back to your mum so she knows you're trying to repay her. She might need the money more than you realise, thought she was helping you with essentials and then hears about you having takeaways, birthday dinners, "rare" cinema/theatre treats and maybe she can't afford those things herself.

And also the theatre trips, especially the one you're planning for Bat out of Hell on the west end!

Have you looked at your previous threads op?

I think the main problem, especially for my DH, is DM’s interfering generally over our 20 year marriage. Even before we borrowed money. It all just came to a head so he has written her a letter. I was upset when I posted on here & also upset for him as it all really got to him after the years of him feeling we are in a goldfish bowl with my DM commenting on all aspects of our lives.
To answer pp’s questions, it hasn’t been a loan for a particular thing but just amounts of money over the years. We have paid back as much as we can & as I said, DH set up a standing order but DF said there was no need! DH has now set up another standing order for a set amount each month but he will add to that if we are able to. We don’t know how much we owe.
I know we need to have a serious overhaul of our finances. I have a learning disability so have had quite long periods of unemployment & DH is self employed - he works very hard but doesn’t get as much back as he deserves. I am currently on minimum wage for 16 hours a week. Could do more but I’m not physically fit at the moment. Once I find out what’s wrong & hopefully get treatment I can work more hours. Sorry this is the dreaded drip feed. As I said, I was very upset & posted on impulse.

Don't borrow from someone who's already over-invested in your life

I'm sorry if I've been a bit brutal on this thread OP, but your last post would suggest that this thread may have helped you. 👍.
A few further bits of advice
I think you quickly need to work out what you owe your DM and agree that figure with her, and I'd also suggest you get some financial advice around budgeting as that may help you going forward.
Good luck.