If Someone Lends You A Lot Of Money Do They Then Have A Say In How You Soend It?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

Just that really. Unfortunately DH & I have had to borrow money over quite a long period from DM & DF. DM has a tendency to interfere, trying to tell us how to spend or that we shouldn’t buy certain things. One of her phrases is “ Cut your coat according to your cloth”. She’s had quite a lot to say about the energy crisis. I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.She really upset DH. He has said to her that he hates the fact we’ve had to borrow so much. And it’s all the little digs like “ Ooh moneybags” if we go out for a meal ( very rare). I feel like I have to justify our spending. We haven’t been on holiday for 4 years, hardly ever go to the theatre or cinema etc etc. I can understand her concern because it really is a large amount & we won’t be able to pay it all back, although we’re trying our best. DF’s attitude is completely different. He’s happy to help & just says to pay back when we can. Does DM have a right to give advice on our spending?

Aquamarine but the lunch is very rare ( DH’s birthday) & we don’t have takeaways often at all

You can't afford to go out for birthdays OP. You need to wrap up that line of thinking for when you up your hours or your bloke gets a proper job.

Okay. Well I've tried to help, so I hope that you at least follow those links I spent time finding for you. Your lack of acknowledgment makes me pessimistic though.

How can you not know how much you've borrowed? Not even a rough idea? That's ridiculous frankly.

OP I suspect your idea of "hardly at all" or "rare" and "once in a lifetime" is a bit more than you think and if you look at your last 12 months of bank statements you will have more that you can trim back that you expect. This is a good thing because you can get a handle on your spending more easily if it's on treats than if it's on the electric bill.

Even a spa day or concert tickets or a pizza meal out that someone else pays for will have costs associated with it - travel, a round of drinks, a hotel room in London, an ice cream at the interval, a taxi home because you missed the last train, that kind of thing that you don't even notice until you've got no money left.

You can have treats like a birthday meal if you budget for it. If you aren't going to put in the work on a detailed budget like on YNAB or similar, you could try the cash envelope budgeting thing - that works for some people very well where you put your £20 or whatever treat spends in cash in an envelope and once it's gone, it's gone - even if it is someone's birthday.

Do you have other debts OP?

OP your thread started on 31May 2022 had the first line

"I love Spa DAYS with friends but am considering going on one alone...."

You go on to say that they are expensive so don't think your friends could afford it.

Now that suggests you have been on several. And you acknowledge how expensive they are.

Are you in denial over your lifestyle and spending habits or are you lying?

Indeed. That gives the impression that you never intended to pay the money back.

So your parents aren't lending you money, they're giving you handouts?

I imagine if she's Cagey it's within the thousands.

Surely your DH is capable of keeping check of banking? You can go back years and look at what they've transfered you, that'll give you some idea if they've also given you money in cash too.

saraclara I’m sorry - I haven’t been on Mumsnet all the time & it’s been a busy day.

This needs to be in capitals clearly - I HAD ONE SPA DAY AND IT WAS SO LONG AGO I CAN’T RECALL THE DATE!!

We absolutely do intend to pay back as much as we can

Except "We don’t know how much we owe". If you have learning disabilities then this is on your DH who should have been making a note of how much was loaned and how much was paid back. Otherwise his plan is to what? Set u pa DD for X a month until they both die?

You should intend to pay it all back. You might not manage it, but you should absolutely want and intend to.

Also you made three posts to other people between me giving you all those links and my post saying you'd not acknowledged them. So not being on MN 'all the time' is not really an excuse.

But anyway, I'm being snippy. I still hope that you will make use of them. This situation is fixable, but you have to get advice appropriate to your learning level, and properly follow through on that advice. Good luck.

@saraclara I'd actually like to say thanks for the links, I've taken note of them to bring in to work tomorrow as have a patient just now who's really worried about things so will pass these on.

That's great! Finance these days is so hard to manage for anyone vulnerable. It was so much easier to budget when you got a pay packet with cash in, and could physically see what you spent and what you had left.

Spending on a card or via an app is so nebulous in comparison. Money doesn't 'mean' anything physical any more. And you need a good level of mental arithmetic and recall to know what you've spent and what you have left.

Back in the days of cheques I had a money book, and would fill it in every night with anything I'd spent, and my remaining cash was there, written in black and white.

Now you just tap a card and magically get given whatever you've bought.

saraclara thank you from me too

You should use some of that money (if they dont offer a free course) of money management. When you are mismanaging your own $, she doesnt have the right to speak on it but when its her money & youve been borrowing a lot & over time, it gets old (esp.if you havent paid the previous amounts back b4 asking for more. Obviously, mom is handling money well if she's able to help when you ask. Instead of getting defensive, learn from her