If Someone Lends You A Lot Of Money Do They Then Have A Say In How You Soend It?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

Just that really. Unfortunately DH & I have had to borrow money over quite a long period from DM & DF. DM has a tendency to interfere, trying to tell us how to spend or that we shouldn’t buy certain things. One of her phrases is “ Cut your coat according to your cloth”. She’s had quite a lot to say about the energy crisis. I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.She really upset DH. He has said to her that he hates the fact we’ve had to borrow so much. And it’s all the little digs like “ Ooh moneybags” if we go out for a meal ( very rare). I feel like I have to justify our spending. We haven’t been on holiday for 4 years, hardly ever go to the theatre or cinema etc etc. I can understand her concern because it really is a large amount & we won’t be able to pay it all back, although we’re trying our best. DF’s attitude is completely different. He’s happy to help & just says to pay back when we can. Does DM have a right to give advice on our spending?

I think I was too harsh earlier. Looking at some of OP's other threads, I now understand why she is in need of parental financial help. After all the spa days, theatre tickets and meals out don't pay for themselves do they.
😳

It depends entirely on the situation. I lent some friends some money once because they were in massive trouble and were about to get their house taken off them - we worked out together that if I paid off their credit cards they'd save so much in interest every month that they could repay me and get rid of the arrears on their mortgage.

They are paying me back, almost done as agreed, however they ALSO remained in arrears, and got their credit cards maxed out again, and that pissed me off horrendously.

abovedecknotbelow · Today 08:27
If your having to borrow money from your mum in your 50s then you're not cutting your cloth are you?“

this. If I lent someone money because they were having trouble covering the bills, I’d be gobsmacked if they went out for meals.

Ah. Seems I was being too kind.

Mum has a point.

Well there is a difference between someone lending you money and someone giving you money. If they lent it to you, you should be prioritising paying then back over treating yourself. At 50 it really is time to grow up. Your parents won't be around tonail you out forever and your mother would be well within her rights to have had enough and cut you out of her will.

I don't borrow money off mine but they are like this anyway! I think they would be so awful if I did ask for money I can't face it. They do help out with gifts for the DD's though as their Father is fairly absent. My hideous MIL has gifted my DP quite a lot after his breakup when he was very low emotionally ( probably as a form of control as he's never asked ) but she lets him know she really regrets it on a regular basis. I think she'd rather amputate a limb than give anything to him now he's with me. My favourite MIL monetary opinion was when we took out a mortgage together to pay off his ex and keep the house. Basically she felt I shouldn't be on the mortgage that we only got based on my income!

You didn’t have to borrow a large amount especially since you know you won’t be repaying it. You’re either too skint to afford your lives on your own incomes or you’re well off enough to afford to eat out. You’re taking the piss. Of course she’s annoyed with you.

Stand on your own two feet ffs.

Mumsnet can I have this thread deleted please? Kind of knew I shouldn’t have started it.

Well it depends doesn't it. DH lent his Sister money without question when they had a family emergency that meant she had to fly to their home country at the drop of a hat. He did not lend her the money she asked for when she was on holiday and had spent all week sending pictures of dinners out and shopping trips. The first situation couldn't be planned for or avoided, the second could have been if she'd 'cut her cloth' on holiday according to her budget.

So people disagree with you fittering not just your own money but your parents money on meals out, tickets and spas and you want it deleted?

Why don't you just stand on your own two feet, stop leeching off your parents and budget accordingly. Your in your 50s - don't you feel at all the least bit embarrassed?

To whoever said about the spa days etc - I did have a spa day ages ago which was a gift. And we don’t go out for meals or hardly ever. Birthdays & Christmas.

I would suggest that rather than feeling embarrassed that the op feels entitled

Yes I feel embarrassed - that’s why I want the thread deleted. Food for thought definitely

So why not answer the questions asked? You've come for advice but not given any relevant information then thrown a fit.

You'll get much better replies if you answer the questions you've been asked. Was it for something specific/unforeseen and an idea of how much (ball park, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands?).

you don’t need to do that, I think people just need more information and are jumping to conclusions because they don’t have all the facts.

It all really depends on many factors. If you needed a large lump sum specifically for something and you agreed a time frame to pay it back then no, she shouldn’t be passing comment on what you spend your money on as long as you’re paying back the agreed amount every month.

if it was for an emergency situation and the terms of the agreement weren’t solidified at the time, I’d sit down with her and work out a payment schedule you’re all happy with and then you can spend whatever you have left on what ever you like.

if it’s been dribs and drabs of money over a long period of time because you’ve repeatedly lived beyond your means then I imagine she’s burning with resentment.

Having looked through some of your older posts you seem like a lovely person who has contributed a lot to Mumsnet so don’t be disheartened here, you just need to give more information because no one can really say whether she’s in the right or wrong without more details. X

Are you going to stop taking money off your parents? Did this thread help?

I've seen your other posts and you seem to be out a lot. Doesn't sound like a struggling family to me sorry to say.

If you’re embarrassed you’ll stop sticking your hand out and start paying back what you owe.

If you're in your 50s, your parents must be pensioners.

Why do you "have to" borrow large sums from parents with no expectation of repayment?

If my DC were in such a dire situation I'd be very concerned that they we're living beyond their means and they're much younger than you. It's one thing to help out un a specific crisis or for a one off purchase, but regularly would be a concern.

They can lay down conditions before the money is handed over but if they don't then they have no real say in what you do. However, your relationship may suffer as a result of this.

I think you are in complete0 denial about your lifestyle. Your last two meals out (according to your other threads) were on the 27th and 31st August. You commented on a previous thread that you 'tend to have leftover takeaways for breakfast'.
And while the spa day in June was a cash gift from your DH - that's still household cash. If you were really concerned about money then an expensive spa day wpuld be the last thing on your list.
I don't think you are being remotely honest to yourself about your spending habits and are clearly living massively above your means.
It's up to you whether you want to do something about it, or just keep being funded by your parents, and having to put up with some (well deserved) criticism.

Going by your threads then yes your mum is being fair. Stop borrowing money.
stand on your own 2 feet and pay them back.

Wow, yes this- acknowledging you won't pay them back while going on meals out, the theatre, spa days is wrong!!

How do I report this? I really want to get it taken down. I was upset & regret coming on here