If Someone Lends You A Lot Of Money Do They Then Have A Say In How You Soend It?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

Just that really. Unfortunately DH & I have had to borrow money over quite a long period from DM & DF. DM has a tendency to interfere, trying to tell us how to spend or that we shouldn’t buy certain things. One of her phrases is “ Cut your coat according to your cloth”. She’s had quite a lot to say about the energy crisis. I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.She really upset DH. He has said to her that he hates the fact we’ve had to borrow so much. And it’s all the little digs like “ Ooh moneybags” if we go out for a meal ( very rare). I feel like I have to justify our spending. We haven’t been on holiday for 4 years, hardly ever go to the theatre or cinema etc etc. I can understand her concern because it really is a large amount & we won’t be able to pay it all back, although we’re trying our best. DF’s attitude is completely different. He’s happy to help & just says to pay back when we can. Does DM have a right to give advice on our spending?

Unless they are absolutely stinking rich they probably feel a bit annoyed that they had lend you the money.

It's hard to say but it's not surprising they make little digs.

It's hard to say without knowing the details.

Set up a standing order and pay the money back regularly and systematically. If you’re chucking her £50 here and there I can see why she would be annoyed at you. By sitting down with her and saying, ‘we’ve done a budget. We will set up a SO for £100 a month (or whatever) to go into your account until the debt is cleared’, you will reassure her that you are serious about it, you value it, and that you respect her enough to prioritise returning her money. If you are in a position where you can’t then you need to look at ways of increasing your income or cutting your costs. I have to admit, if I’d lent someone a large sum and instead of trying to make inroads into the debt they were sending photos of themselves down at the local Pizza Express I’d be annoyed too. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have the odd treat, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of paying the debt.

Well it depends; if you’ve agreed that you’re paying back x amount a month and that’s agreed by all then it’s up to you what you do with the rest of your money.
If someone wasn’t paying me back anything and saying they don’t have it then are spending money then it’d annoy me

If you are in your 50s and reliant on your parents for handouts you need a major lifestyle review.

it isn’t typical at all.

Depends, if I gave Dd money for a wedding or a home I would expect to not have a say. if she needed on going financial support as a single parent or the parent of a disabled child I also wouldn’t say much about that (assuming she’s genuinely tight on money).

tbh I’d be a bit disappointed if my DD still needed help in her 50’s. Also don’t forget she may have wanted to do something with that cash that she hasn’t been able to because she gave it to you. Maybe she’s worried about the cost of living crisis as well?

This. It’s hard to say with the little detail you’ve given. But if you’ve borrowed such a large amount of money (from someone who is clearly not very happy about it) that you’re apparently never going to be able to pay it all back, then you clearly can’t afford ANY theatre/restaurants/cinema outings. I’ve only ever borrowed money when I lost my job 2 weeks before Xmas, the kids needed new coats, I could barely afford presents and then the bloody boiler broke. I had to borrow 3k off my mum and like fuck was I cheeky enough to piss any up the wall on luxury outings before I’d paid her every penny back.

This. Meals out aren't a priority. If you have to buy money you can't afford them.

I'd be a bit pissed off if I'd given someone money for necessities and they were seen to be spending it on fripperies. You've just said you will never pay it all back - so some of it is a gift.

Is the money they have given you something they inherited so you don't feel they themselves did anything to earn it? Are you unable to earn your own money? Is all of their money actually going to be yours when they die so you feel like it's actually yours anyway? Trying to think of possible reasons you might feel a bit entitled.

If the arrangement was that they loaned / gave you the money because you wanted a bit more fun that's the only way I'd say YANBU!

I think you need to look at why you've had to borrow a large sum of money, if you've had a child in hospital and had to give up work to care for them etc thats one thing, general overspending completely different situation and I wouldnt be taking money to fund my lifestyle.

Your mum is right you have to spend within your means. If you cannot afford your current lifestyle you'll need to downsize, if you are having to borrow money then you cant afford to go out for meals etc.

Not to be morbid, but what's your plan when they die? Will your inheritance be enough to keep you going?

To be fair she's right. Why are you borrowing large amounts of money off your parents at your age? I'm always happy to help my dc out if they're struggling, but bills have to be paid before meals out and theatre trips.

So you have been lent money. You can't pay it all back. It isn't a great situation is it?

If you're in your 50s and regularly borrowing I think she has a right to try and encourage you to spend in the right ways.

Well now much is it? And If you know you aren't going to be able to pay it all back, it's not borrowing is it? I can absolutely see why she's annoyed.

Borrowing money in your 50s? Crikey, where did it all go wrong?

What is the money you have borrowed actually for?
You say over a long period, how long?
You say a large amount, how much?
Are you still borrowing money now?

I agree with pps that it’s unusual to be in your 50s and still borrowing money and if you can’t pay it back I think your mother probably can’t help saying something.

I've NCd for this and it's not about borrowing so much as money gifts for those who need it.
I was intending giving my pensioners winter heating allowance to my DD. I don't need it but as a mum on maternity leave with rocketing energy costs, I reckoned she would appreciate it.

But she's making no attempt at all herself to economise and constantly spends on fripperies and unnecessary random gifts for others (she's a sweet, sweet person) and shows no signs of trying to save money or energy. I realised that if I give her this money I'm going to start resenting that, or feeling that I want to comment on her spending.

So yes, I'm not sure what to do as trying to help her might actually risk our relationship if I become resentful or appear to have attached strings to the gift.
It's hard, and clearly your mum is wrestling with the same feelings.

It's a choice to lend money. If she doesn't agree with how you are spending it she can withdraw that choice.

I think it depends on the detail OP.
Was it a large sum for general costs eg to supplement an income? If so then I think the comments are wise.

If it was a large sum for something specific and unforeseen, but you have the same income as before, like needing a new roof or something big that needed to be done immediately and you just didn't have the money to do it so borrowed from your parents rather than take a loan then it's not really needed.

But as the mother she doesn't want to see her child destitute

But she does want to see her child able to fend for herself ,not need constant handouts and loans that won't get paid back

Until you demonstrate financial independence you will always be a child who needs taught how to manage

It depends on how actively you are trying to pay back the money. Have you overhauled your lifestyle and spending habits so that you are in a position to make monthly/weekly repayments? There's nothing more frustrating than people who constantly borrow money/complain about being skint whilst still having a coffee out every day, going to the gym, buying new clothes they don't need, unnecessarily upgrading their phones/cars etc etc

Well, when the bank lends you money they usually want to know what you’re borrowing for. If it’s a mortgage on a property they monitor what you’re spending on.

Regularly borrowing money from your parents in your 50s suggests you are not good at managing basic adult life … So I think your mother has a point.

You can't do the 'im in my 50s mother' and then expect to be treated like a little kid with handouts.

Stop borrowing, pay them back.

If this is real like.

Stop "borrowing" money you can't afford to pay back. This is embarrassing at the age of 50 you need to live within your means.

I agree with pretty much everyone. My eldest daughter’s 23 and lives on her own. The other day she rang me and was moaning about money, and said she hardly had any food. As any mum probably would I immediately transferred her some money. My own business is struggling a bit at the moment, so I don’t have much to spare, but she’s my daughter so…

A few minutes later in the conversation she told me she’d just bought a new game for her Nintendo switch, and some concert tickets. Errr what?

If you’re in your 50s and borrowing money from your parents, while still eating out (and being annoyed when your mum mentions it), you need to take a good look at yourselves, and grow up. Your dad might say it’s fine, but they’ll be discussing this behind your back. It’s not fine, of course it’s not.