If Someone Lends You A Lot Of Money Do They Then Have A Say In How You Soend It?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

Just that really. Unfortunately DH & I have had to borrow money over quite a long period from DM & DF. DM has a tendency to interfere, trying to tell us how to spend or that we shouldn’t buy certain things. One of her phrases is “ Cut your coat according to your cloth”. She’s had quite a lot to say about the energy crisis. I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.She really upset DH. He has said to her that he hates the fact we’ve had to borrow so much. And it’s all the little digs like “ Ooh moneybags” if we go out for a meal ( very rare). I feel like I have to justify our spending. We haven’t been on holiday for 4 years, hardly ever go to the theatre or cinema etc etc. I can understand her concern because it really is a large amount & we won’t be able to pay it all back, although we’re trying our best. DF’s attitude is completely different. He’s happy to help & just says to pay back when we can. Does DM have a right to give advice on our spending?

Maybe your mother knows how much you owe or at least come to an agreement between you about the amount she wants repaid so you know where you are.

Could your DH do the same thing or similar while working for someone else and earn more? Is he charging enough if he thinks it's better to remain self employed?

Self employment is hard and you need a certain mindset to keep on top of things, set rates, find customers, chase payments etc etc

Or could you help him with some of the admin if it leaves him more time to focus on the main part of the business and find customers?

You need to ask how much you owe, start paying it back and keeping track of what you have paid. And stop taking from them, even if DF says don’t pay it back. It’s obviously and understandably not sitting well with the other person (DM) whose money it is. You are adults and need to live on what you earn.

I think the fact you don't even know how much you owe is very telling.

If your husband's business doesn't make enough money, he needs to get a different job.

A Business that doesn’t make enough to live on is a hobby

If you have a learning difficulty, then I can see how this had become a whole ball of confusion. What you really need is some financial advice and support about budgeting.

If you like, I'll have a Google to see what free advice is out there. It might be at a premium as so many people are in dire straits at the moment, but there are charitable organisations out there who help you to budget.

Please don't get this thread deleted, as people like me might be able to help you

Mumsnet please leave the thread where it is. Sorry to mess you about

Well you could stop indulging yourself with the spa days that you enjoy so much, even though they are really expensive so your friends can't always join you!

Can you not grasp that when someone is constantly lending you money it very often (and justifiably) pisses them off when the borrower wastes it on spa days, takeaways and concerts?

You're in your 50's! You should have grown up long ago! What is your daughter learning from your behaviour?

Okay. Here is a list of organisations that can help. Some of them are not relevant to you, but the debt management ones (though they generally deal with people in debt to companies) might well also help you manage the debt to your parents, and have good advice on budgeting. I'll be back if I find more.

www.vulnerabilityregistrationservice.co.uk/advice-organisations/

Best advice so far is to come to an agreement about how much you owe and write it down. Then agree how much you will pay each month. Keep it affordable. Don't leave yourself short. Don't borrow any more money. Then, what you do with any money you do have is up to you.

I don't know the extent of your learning issues, OP, so do excuse me if any of these suggestions are inappropriate. But this one looks excellent.

www.dosh.org/

BMW6 for goodness sake, I had one spa day! Can’t even remember when it was! And we don’t have takeaways very often. The tickets, if we actually manage to get them, are for a concert next year. It’s a once on a lifetime experience for DD13 & she actually wants to go with me which is unheard of. Plus she’s going to pay us back for her ticket with Birthday & Christmas money. Don’t be so harsh!

To state again, we are not borrowing any more money. And DM is being cagey about how much we owe so that’s another reason to sit down & have an adult conversation

Another non judgemental source of advice, OP. www.communitymoneyadvice.com/

But OP you must see that right now you cannot afford once in a lifetime experiences. Use this thread to change the habits. You cannot keep excusing everything with birthdays or Christmas or you will spiral. I earn a damn sight more than you and for my birthday this year my husband helped my 5yo buy me a pretty orchid from Tesco. I can count on one hand the amount of meals out I've had this year. Not everything needs extravagance. You need to make real steps towards change. Gas and electric prices are about to go crazy and you cannot afford it.

If you have had to borrow a large amount of money over a long period that you say you won't ever pay back then clearly you haven't learned that you very obviously have to make changes, as your current lifestyle will not be sustainable.

Your father sounds the same as you really; maybe your mother has a better grasp of their finances and is worried that they won't manage the price rises because of you owing them money.

Haven't you kept your own record?

And of course there's good old Martin Lewis

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/#help

Cagey? Or it’s so bloody much asked for over the years that she’s lost track? Especially as your father seems to randomly write off debt? Why haven’t you kept record?

And last but not least, join the Martin Lewis forum for those in debt. You'll get lots of support and help there from people like you who are on the way to coating debts by budgeting carefully.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe

Good luck. But you need actual figures first of all, so if your DH won't tell, you might have to ask the source of the loan. That might also show that you are serious and motivated about paying it back.

Clearing debts, not coating them!

OP how was this money given to you and how have you paid it back so far?

If most or all of it was by bank transfer can you download your statements (or look at the paper ones) and see if you can work it out from there?

However, if there's been cash going back and forth between you and it's been more then odd amount here and there rather than a small number of larger amounts, then it will be a lot harder to remember how much its been.

I think you need to start being honest with yourself. Just this month you had two posts on mn, one about having an expensive pub lunch and the other about takeaways. It's really no wonder your mother is fed up.

No harm to you op but. You're eating take always. Buying meat from the butcher and not Lidl as a conscious choice. Going to the theatre. Spa days. Pub lunches.

If I was your mum I wouldn't be best pleased either.