If Someone Lends You A Lot Of Money Do They Then Have A Say In How You Soend It?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

Just that really. Unfortunately DH & I have had to borrow money over quite a long period from DM & DF. DM has a tendency to interfere, trying to tell us how to spend or that we shouldn’t buy certain things. One of her phrases is “ Cut your coat according to your cloth”. She’s had quite a lot to say about the energy crisis. I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.She really upset DH. He has said to her that he hates the fact we’ve had to borrow so much. And it’s all the little digs like “ Ooh moneybags” if we go out for a meal ( very rare). I feel like I have to justify our spending. We haven’t been on holiday for 4 years, hardly ever go to the theatre or cinema etc etc. I can understand her concern because it really is a large amount & we won’t be able to pay it all back, although we’re trying our best. DF’s attitude is completely different. He’s happy to help & just says to pay back when we can. Does DM have a right to give advice on our spending?

If you know you can't pay it all back then it's not a loan- is it?

I'm surprised that you're surprised that your DM has an opinion on how you spend your money, given that she's still subsidising you at this point.

Unless there's about to be a massive dripfeed I can't understand how as a two income household you are having to borrow money.

I'm not alien to the concept as I'm a single parent household and occasionally ask my parents to lend me a couple of hundred when I can't pay my bills but I hate that I have to do this and am gradually upping my income to sort it out.

I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.

Yes, but to be borrowing a very large amount of money in your 50s, knowing you can never pay it back, suggests you and DH may not have managed your finances particularly well up until now.

And if your parents have always lived within their means but are now having to subsidise you, it’s not unreasonable for your mum to look for evidence that you’re being more careful with what is effectively their money.

Which may be a PITA for you, but you’re very fortunate your parents are able to support you like this. The alternative for many people is to end up in spiralling debt, so your DM’s pointed remarks are a very small price to pay.

I'm sorry but relying on the bank of mum and dad when you are on your thirties, forties, fifties is really rather sad and I think you should take a bloody good look at the way you have managed your money through your life, while you might still have time to grow up.
Since you are apparently still tied to your mother's apron strings I think she is right in saying 'cut your cloth.'

I'm sorry but relying on the bank of mum and dad when you are on your thirties, forties, fifties is really rather sad and I think you should take a bloody good look at the way you have managed your money through your life, when you might still have time to grow up
Since you are apparently still tied to your mother's apron strings I think she is right in saying 'cut your cloth.'

My Mother lent us some money towards the deposit on a flat (we were paying it back over a year, as agreed) and was a bit put out when we later rented a colour TV (it was a long time ago) as they only had a black and white one. 😞

When did you borrow the money?
Did you ask for it, or was it offered?
What were the repayment terms agreed?
Have you been repaying so far?
Is it just one loan, or have you had several?
Presumably your parents are pensioners. Do they have a comfortable lifestyle with spare money for emergencies?
Do you have siblings?
Do you and DH both work FT?

You are borrowing money because you have no intention of paying it all back. You are asking and being given money. I'm on your parents side here.

We have given our adult children money for very specific things like house deposits and such like. We don't lend to our family and we don't just hand money over for vague purposes. I expect people in their 30's to be coping with day to day costs unless something beyond their control happened, so I would certainly expect it of people in their 50's. Your parents must be in their 80's? I'm sure they are devastated to still be financially supporting thir child.

Prepares for drip feed.

I don't think she should be making digs, though. If she doesn't want to keep lending you money if she feels that you're frittering away, that's fair enough - and if she wants to give advice on it, then the two of you should sit down and have a proper conversation about it. I hate it when people just communicate with little hints like the "moneybags" comment, because it's not overt enough that you can address it and get it out in the open and explain why you're spending it or where you've got that money, and if you do try to address it, they can brush it off as jokes or banter; but equally it's totally obvious that the person is trying to say "I don't think you should be spending money on that". I'd rather they just sat down and discussed it properly if that's what they wanted to say (which is a fair enough thing for them to want). It's the means of getting the message across that I find frustrating - to keep lending it to you but then keep making sneaky little comments. Not that what she's saying is actually wrong or untrue!

So it's not a loan as you can't pay her back!
If you are still using the bank of mum and dad to pay for your lifestyle at FIFTY then she's right that you aren't good at budgeting and need to "cut your cloth"!
Unless there's a huge backstory of ill health or redundancy that means you're not able to work? 🤔

I have to say that if I was your parents I would be going way beyond questioning where the money was going. I would be considering whether I wished to give at all.

Wind up?

If you can't pay it back you're not borrowing it are you

You say that you haven't been on holiday, don't go to theatre or cinema and rarely eat out, but are you spending money on other things that are non essential?

Clothes, beauty treatments, takeaways, phone contracts, doing the house up and buying new curtains/cushions/bedding when it's not strictly needed, groceries from Waitrose instead of Aldi etc etc?

There's a huge range in what you can spend from where above a basic level and if what you buy is more John Lewis/Waitrose/Apple than Aldi/Ikea/basic Android then she might have a point.

Also if you do the 'I need money for food/electricity/car repairs' when she can see you spending on non essentials dance that fools no-one.

Sounds like you need to overhaul your budget and think a bit more long term because a lot of time when people need to borrow money repeatedly its because they've failed to plan for 'unexpected' bills that are not unexpected at all, more essential expenses that will happen within the next few months.

I think a grown up conversation is called for here. Your mum is clearly not comfortable with what is happening, so simply say "mum, you're clearly not happy. We're really grateful for your financial help, but it seems we need to talk about what you're finding hard, and what is reasonable for us to be spending on"

Unlike others on here, I don't think it's 100% unreasonable for you to have a rare meal out, especially if it keeps you in a friendship group. Going for years without ever being able to join in social events and feeling left out is painful. I've been there.

Talk to your mum. Find out what bothers her, listen to her and fight your corner or make minor changes to your habits if need be.

Is this a reverse?

You're in your fifties accepting money from your parents??

😯

@hectica you sound so lovely for wanting to help your DD with part of your pension and I totally get that you might feel resentful if she isn't able to budget herself. Might be better to let her 'learn a lesson' here instead of offering the money up front. You could always save it without telling her so if she gets into difficulty you know its there to help her but it probably won't do her much good to have it handed to her. Alternatively, you could offer to pay her winter heating bill or something so you know what it is being spent on (so she doesn't have the opportunity to spend it on unnecessary things)?

You and others who've said this have no idea of what unfortunate events might have led to this. My friend in her 60s is on the breadline. She is a highly professional and eminently sensible woman who had disaster befall her and lost everything. She can barely meet the rent on the tiny one bed home she's had to move to. It's tragic, and if anyone spoke about her like you are about the OP, I'd lose it with them.

If you're in your 50's and rely on the bank of mum and dad to get by, you shouldn't be going out to restaurants or the cinema, ever.

Unfortunately DH & I have had to borrow money over quite a long period from DM & DF.

Ok - you probably need some budgeting help
How much money is coming in each month - include wages, benefits, money from mil (but not things like birthday money)

Then
How much is going out each month (include rent/mortgage, bills, phones, loans, groceries

What you are left with is for saving / fun

If my kids were in dire straights, I'd want them to have the occasional glimmer of pleasure, wouldn't you? A cinema visit or meal or twice a year is something I'd want them to have.

Morto for you. TWO adults in their 50's still borrowing from Mammy and Daddy with no intention of paying it all back? The neck of you!

Stand on your own 2 feet and stop looking for handouts. Your mother should cut you off

I’d had enough the other day & told her that we are both in our 50s & know what we’re going to do to cope.

And, yet, you haven't been able to cope until now?

I also agree that you need to cut your cloth accordingly. Like everyone else has to!

I don’t necessarily disagree. BUT I don’t think a debt should mean you have to live a completely joyless existence until it’s repaid. Particularly if it’s a large debt and a small pleasure. The difficulty with family is that you don’t necessarily have an agreed repayment schedule and that they can see what you are spending (unless you deliberately conceal it) and their comfort with debt to non-essential spending ratio may be different to yours.

Many people have hundreds of thousands of ponds of mortgage debt and still go to the theatre. The difference is that you don’t chat to the mortgage company about it, and that you have an agreed repayment schedule and they don’t care what you do with your other other money as long as you stick to it. Largely because they are also getting benefit from it. If DMIL is going without some things because she has lent you money, she is going to be pissed off if you do not appear to be going without in an equitable way. Even though you may very well be going without less visible equivalent monetary value things that are less valuable to you than her, while still having some cheaper things are are more valuable to you than her.

It’s not going to be objective, is it?

If my child were that financially unstable in their 50's, I would be so desperately worried for their future that I would hope they would take their finances very, very seriously and be willing to make huge sacrifices to get back on track.

Is there any scope for you personally to have a sensible conversation with them?
I think little digs are a way to ruin your relationship.
Maybe "you generously lent me £xxxx which meant that we could ( clear mgage arrears/pay off pay day loans/stop Benny sending the boys round). We are very conscious of this and live modestly. We need to come to an agreement as to how and when you want this to be paid back. We are currently paying £x and cannot see that we can increase this."