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Original poster

I've messed up dd's uni

264 replies

SewhereIam · 31/08/2022 10:17

Dd starts uni this year. She is sharing accommodation with her boyfriend. His family are more comfortably off than me, and paid the deposit and the first month's rent, which was incredibly kind.

I am on universal credit, and we break even every month. Dd informed me three days ago that they get the keys for their flat at the weekend, but term doesn't start for another month, and she doesn't receive any student finance until then either.

Dd wants to move in this weekend, and for me to get them their food shopping until term starts. She will also need money until her loan comes in. I can't afford it, I have £150 left in my bank account and more bills coming out on the 1st.

Her boyfriend gets a large stipend every month from his family, whereas dd doesn't. I feel like I have set her up to fail and have left her destitute and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
JaneBrowning · 31/08/2022 18:05

I'm afraid it looks as if your daughter is not really being very mature about this.

When I went to uni, decades ago, I got a grant but I'd also worked for around 3 months over the summer and had a Saturday job all through 6th form.

I'd bought a small banger , passed my driving test and had savings. My parents were poor (I qualified for 75% of the full grant as it was then) and I didn't ask them to top me up. I knew that in theory they were supposed to, but in reality they were stretched.

Your D though is asking for everything on a plate.
She isn't working, has no savings, is being 'supported' to an extent by her boyfriend's family and him.

I dread to think how any of this is helping her become a mature, independent woman.

It is a really, really bad idea to co-habit at 18 when going to uni with another 18 year old.

They each need to spread their wings. If they split up she will have all the hassle of finding new accommodation, maybe mid-term, and the risks are just awful for her.

I think that you and his parents ought to have actively discouraged this.

cestlavielife · 31/08/2022 18:09

And dont ferry her back and forth
That woukd bd ridiculous
Unless she comes to care for you or something?
Once beginning of term.
Once in the middle to see her and catch up
And at end of term

No point in wasting petrol
If she wants to come home she can get coach or bus and use loan or work to fund it

momtoboys · 31/08/2022 18:18

You have not set her up to fail. This isn't up to you to fix. As other posters have said, if she wants to move out before her loan comes, it is up to her to figure out what she needs to support herself.

Kite22 · 31/08/2022 18:24

TheWayoftheLeaf · 31/08/2022 17:48

@Comefromaway it's unlikely your sons loan will cover everything he needs. Max (in London) is £12k, £9k outside London. A years rent, food, books, bills etc will not be covered by that. At all.

Many students live on on the full loan, and many manage on less than that.

MMUmum · 31/08/2022 18:26

In the same situation. DD going into 2nd yr, moved into student house in August, 1st student loan payment not due until
early September. We paid August rent but told her she would have to pay September rent out of p/t job wages until student loan comes through. It's a tough life lesson

BuckarooBanzai · 31/08/2022 18:32

I'm on a pittance but I've told my very bright 16 DD year old I'm not in a position to help her much if at all with uni. My DD has started working this summer and is already has savings for uni.

Comefromaway · 31/08/2022 18:32

TheWayoftheLeaf · 31/08/2022 17:48

@Comefromaway it's unlikely your sons loan will cover everything he needs. Max (in London) is £12k, £9k outside London. A years rent, food, books, bills etc will not be covered by that. At all.

It will cover the period of weeks between September to end of June. He will have to work in the summer holidays though he will be housed and fed during July & August by us.

As I said earlier after rent (which includes bills) he will have £68.44 per week to live on. That’s more than a single person on UC gets.

JaneBrowning · 31/08/2022 19:05

@Comefromaway A lot of student accommodation is for 12 months of the year once they are out of halls. Landlords do not let in 10-week terms, they let for 52 weeks a year. Don't rely on your son not having to pay for his rent when he's not at uni. Even though he finishes in June, for example, the rent may still have to be paid until Sept when students go back. He may also have to find a deposit for a new flat/ house at the end of a year AS WELL AS paying for his existing accommodation.

When my DCs were at uni, their loans barely covered their rent (which was around £600 a month, years ago) and we had to give them living expenses- food, travel, essential books etc.

Comefromaway · 31/08/2022 19:37

He isn’t my first child at uni remember. I know how it works.

Trinity65 · 31/08/2022 20:21

As everyone else says

YOU have messed up nothing OP

JaneBrowning · 31/08/2022 20:23

Comefromaway · 31/08/2022 19:37

He isn’t my first child at uni remember. I know how it works.

well if you first child at uni didn't pay for accommodation outside of the 10-week terms, I'd love to know how!

Kite22 · 31/08/2022 20:31

@JaneBrowning , ComeFromAway has said "It will cover the period of weeks between September to end of June"
You are the only one talking about 10 week terms.

Yes, 2nd yrs onwards have to cover 52 weeks, but it is quite common for the shared houses to be a little cheaper than halls.

Also not everyone stays in accommodation as expensive as your dc's.

Comefromaway · 31/08/2022 20:47

Halls were the choice of a 44 week contract or 52 week contract at a slightly lower weekly rate.

shared house was a year tenancy but was cheaper than halls (by a lot).

Comefromaway · 31/08/2022 20:50

London outgoings in shared house for postgrad came to about £11k per year. She did work as well in an area related to her course which helped fund her shopping habit!

somewhereovertherain · 31/08/2022 22:51

gogohmm · 31/08/2022 12:26

@EleanorShellstrop28

My dd still had £1000 left out of her loan at the end of the year. She doesn't go out and lives on brown rice and dal, her own luxury is fresh coriander. Most students do get by on the loan

Only students who get the full loan.

ours doesn’t even cover their rent.

category12 · 01/09/2022 08:35

"Only students who get the full loan.
ours doesn’t even cover their rent."

That surely means your income is such that the expectation is that you'll make up the difference.

JaneBrowning · 01/09/2022 08:40

Also not everyone stays in accommodation as expensive as your dc's.

@Comefromaway There was no choice of anything cheaper. This was Bristol. 10 years ago. 4 sharing a house after a year in the cheapest hall. @Kite22

And Bristol is not the most expensive city by a long way.

usernamealreadytaken · 01/09/2022 10:16

category12 · 01/09/2022 08:35

"Only students who get the full loan.
ours doesn’t even cover their rent."

That surely means your income is such that the expectation is that you'll make up the difference.

Unfortunately expectation doesn't mean you are able to contribute - two kids at university, a large mortgage and rising costs. Surely a fairer system is that all kids can get up to the maximum loan, with those who don't need it not applying for the full loan?

Comefromaway · 01/09/2022 10:19

That would be a much fairer system.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/09/2022 10:25

That surely means your income is such that the expectation is that you'll make up the difference

They can ‘expect’ what they like but it doesn’t make it true or possible.

This year, we will have two children at university-both on minimum loan because we earn just above the household income cut off. We have given the eldest £250/300 a month to live on. There is no way we can afford to double this to give the second child the same, alongside rising fuel costs, energy bills and interest rates.

category12 · 01/09/2022 10:34

Shinyandnew1 · 01/09/2022 10:25

That surely means your income is such that the expectation is that you'll make up the difference

They can ‘expect’ what they like but it doesn’t make it true or possible.

This year, we will have two children at university-both on minimum loan because we earn just above the household income cut off. We have given the eldest £250/300 a month to live on. There is no way we can afford to double this to give the second child the same, alongside rising fuel costs, energy bills and interest rates.

Oh yes, I agree, the rate at which it starts to taper seems set really quite low.

I'm not sure why it's based on household income at all? Surely if you want to go to uni, you ought to be able to choose to take out the full amount if you want to - and means-testing after graduation should ensure that it gets paid back?

It just seems bone-headed and to put obstacles in the way of people who don't have supportive family, or have families who are already stretched.

PoshHorseyBird · 01/09/2022 18:10

Surely she must know your financial situation? Just tell her no theres no way you can afford to do that. Shes an adult now, time for her to figure things out without treating you like a cash machine!

Danielle9891 · 01/09/2022 18:29

My parents couldn't afford to help me so I had a part time job. She should get a night or weekend job and stop expecting you to pay.
If she's old enough to move in with her boyfriend and go to uni, she's old enough to get a job.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/09/2022 18:50

If she wants to go early she will have to sort it herself including funding it

simple

she sounds v entitled

Lulibee · 01/09/2022 18:55

I really don’t buy the ‘she hasn’t managed to find a job’. She clearly hasn’t put much effort into it, maybe encouraged by her boyfriend. There is plenty of work around for anyone who wants to work - temping, supermarkets.