I've messed up dd's uni

[SewhereIam]

Dd starts uni this year. She is sharing accommodation with her boyfriend. His family are more comfortably off than me, and paid the deposit and the first month's rent, which was incredibly kind.

I am on universal credit, and we break even every month. Dd informed me three days ago that they get the keys for their flat at the weekend, but term doesn't start for another month, and she doesn't receive any student finance until then either.

Dd wants to move in this weekend, and for me to get them their food shopping until term starts. She will also need money until her loan comes in. I can't afford it, I have £150 left in my bank account and more bills coming out on the 1st.

Her boyfriend gets a large stipend every month from his family, whereas dd doesn't. I feel like I have set her up to fail and have left her destitute and don't know what to do.

She had a job during her last year at college but it finished before her exams and she hasn't managed to find another yet.

@SewhereIam there are no excuses for not finding a new job. There are zillions of entry level jobs out there. Tell her to go to the Indeed website and search for one that she can fit around her timetable. In the meantime, she can get a student bank account with a free overdraft if she really needs to move in early.

how long has she been with her boyfriend-i think its really risky what happens if they break up

But very common.

My son and all his friends who went to private schools, all have jobs during the University year and worked during the summer holidays.

Very normal IMO.

I don't know any parents handing money over for their children to socialise with.

Getting a job is a part of university life.

Really helps them with time management.

You need to be honest with her you can’t afford it, she needs to be honest with bf. You haven’t done anything wrong or messed anything up. He can move in early if he wants, she can move in when term starts

I don't think you should feel bad OP. Your DD knows that money doesn't grow on trees and that with little notice you're not going to muster up money like this.

Answering the posters that say that students shouldn't have to work... Times have changed so much! This idea that you can't do a degree and have a job is quite new (with the exception of medical degrees and some placement-based degrees). I worked from the age of 16 in two jobs at weekends and evenings. I did this as well as having a social life and committing to a team activity. While at uni I didn't work much during term time but worked every holiday/reading week.

Getting a job after uni is easier if you already have references from employers, even for fairly basic jobs. Having a positive report from working in a shop/restaurant/call centre mentioning transferrable skills/attributes like punctuality, initiative, discretion, communication skills is very useful.

Good lord OP I thought from the thread title you were going to say that you'd not submitted her acceptance letter in time or something and she'd lost her at choice place. As it is, you've been nothing but lovely and helpful. Your DD needs a job!!

No. Its her choice to go and play house with the boyfriend and therefore they have to find their own funds. She knows your situation so is being very unfair. DS has been working in a call centre since he came back from uni to build up his funds to go back again in October. She is taking the piss.

This! I think she has to set up a student bank account to receive her loan.... but that can be done very quickly. A lot of students enroll online and that has all the details of setting up the bank account I think... also have a look or tell her to have a look at Martins Moneysaving expert website, it has a whole section on student bank accounts. We went with Nationwide in the end but the various offers might have changed now. If you get Tesco vouchers, you can get 2/3s off rail and coach cards, which save a lot of money and pay for coach travel with the vouchers too, which has saved a lot when traveling home again.

That's a point. HSBC is giving ds £100 just to make 5 transactions on his new student account.

We found this was very true and helped get interviews after leaving uni.

You can’t just conjure up money and she must know that things are tight, so she’s a bit naughty for asking and putting you in an awkward situation. Remind her that her/your circumstances are different from that of her boyfriend and that as much as you want to help, you just can’t do it. If she wants to move in with him before her loan comes through, he will have to finance her or she will have to wait, in the absence of a job in the meantime. You haven’t messed anything up and you certainly haven’t failed her. At all. She’s going to Uni - she did good, and so did you !!

Make sure she has checked the University finance page for every scholarship, bursary and hardship fund available too. Each Uni has their own.

Sorry but I think the whole thing is strange. First year of uni and she's living with her boyfriend rather than meeting loads of people in halls (I thought that was the point of year 1).

What happens if she splits up with her boyfriend? Have they discussed nothing about living together. I can't imagine his parents will want to sub your daughter (I wouldn't).

Can't believe she couldn't get a job, there are so many vacancies out there .....

Or she could get a bloody job. I certainly wouldn't want a hardship fund being spent on someone in these circumstances.

You’ e not let her down. DD needs to get a job - there are LOADS of hospitality jobs around And she needs to explain to her boyfriend that YOU are not in a position to help out.

I was at Uni and financially independent from 18 as my lovely parents couldn’t afford to give me anything at all. They emotionally supported me but when it came to money couldn’t.
so I worked. They’ve decided to go early so they’ll just have to manage for now.

‘Make sure she has checked the University finance page for every scholarship, bursary and hardship fund available too. Each Uni has their own.’

she won’t be eligible for hardship funds unless she’s really in need. It sounds like through financing and boyfriend flat share she’s not really in need as such.

Why on earth not? Study during the week, earn money at the weekends. Doesn't every teenager do this? It's hardly sending them down the mines.

I agree. IMO you can choose to live in the "fancy" accommodation and claim on the hardship fund. Especially before even starting the course.

‘Getting a job after uni is easier if you already have references from employers, even for fairly basic jobs.’

I’d hire the graduate who worked in a pub or a shop over the one who ‘interned’ at mummy or daddy’s business, or travelled etc any day of the week.

Any work experience is valuable- no one expects a student to have more than temp jobs or hospitality jobs or tutoring jobs.

plus your DD actually needs money. I flat shared with a guy who got a very generous stipend from parents, and 3 others who didn’t need to work. It was a bit unequal but at Uni there are a lot more MC students than WC so you quickly get used to being the one who has to work.

I feel like I have set her up to fail and have left her destitute and don't know what to do.

This is absolutely not your problem.

So long as you have been straight with DD, not pretending that you have the kind of money her boyfriend seems to have, then you have not left her destitute.

I get that DD might wish you could provide her with as comfortable a lifestyle as her boyfriend enjoys. It's just not the way it is.

Of course she would like you to buy her groceries until her loan comes in.

DD needs a plan b. She can delay moving in, get a job or have someone else (boyfriend ?) subsidise her.

I chose the boyfriend subsidy route and looking back, I wish I had seen him more clearly and broken up with him much much earlier. Took me ten years to wake up and be independent.

Hope DD gets a good plan b

Please don’t think you’ve messed everything up. We were on the bare bones of our arse when my son went to Uni (thanks to a non paying client), so much so that got the full grant & loan and had a term my £1000 scholarship? Hardship grant? from his Uni.

He moved in with his girlfriend too (both at different Unis in London) & as she had a disability qualified as a carer even whilst he was doing his degree. He was a child actor for years & picked up a few jobs to top up his coffers - I know he was fortunate to already have a career as such he could fall back on - but working was the only way he could survive.

And it all broke my heart to see him work his bottom off to so his degree, and to feel so powerless at home. You’ve done nothing wrong. She’ll just have to find work to pay the rent. But please, be kind to yourself too.

It is in student accommodation, but it is a studio self enclosed apartment are they definitely allowed to share? Ds is in private halls for second year and it makes it very clear it is single occupancy only as were all the other places he looked at including studios.

I do think living with your boyfriend at 18 is probably not the best way to start uni life. It will be a new experience for both of them and quite frankly could be disastrous if they break up.

The halls where dd was in had studio flats that said they were suitable for either one or two to share so it is possible.

Surely as an adult if she wanted money before her student loan came in to provide for her she would get a job or have worked over the last few months and saved?

Sorry sent it too soon...

And if she cannot find another job then as an adult she surely didn't expect you to pull pound notes out of your arse to provide for her?

Why did she quit the job she had? Or why did it end?