I've messed up dd's uni

[SewhereIam]

Dd starts uni this year. She is sharing accommodation with her boyfriend. His family are more comfortably off than me, and paid the deposit and the first month's rent, which was incredibly kind.

I am on universal credit, and we break even every month. Dd informed me three days ago that they get the keys for their flat at the weekend, but term doesn't start for another month, and she doesn't receive any student finance until then either.

Dd wants to move in this weekend, and for me to get them their food shopping until term starts. She will also need money until her loan comes in. I can't afford it, I have £150 left in my bank account and more bills coming out on the 1st.

Her boyfriend gets a large stipend every month from his family, whereas dd doesn't. I feel like I have set her up to fail and have left her destitute and don't know what to do.

The biggest favour you can do your daughter is to say no. It is a life skill to plan and she is not a baby anymore. I had a job at 18 before starting Uni. She could easily get a job in catering or retail or tourism as these sectors are crying out for workers. If she is old enough to play house with her boyfriend, she is old enough to sort out her own finances. If you give in now, she will be knocking on your door everytime that student loan runs out.

I meant to get her through the rest of the academic year without trying to get money out of OP - hardship funds are designed for students from very low income families, which OP and her DD are, it acknowledges they have no financial safety net. Usually three payments over the year, at the end of each term so the DD wouldn’t get it yet anyway.

Fingers crossed. DD just picked up a job this week (also not going to uni for a month) as other students are finishing to go on holiday before starting uni. Local garden centre. She's worked out she can save quite a lot in a month

Most students wait until student finance comes in to move into their accommodation. She shouldn't expect you to fund her moving in early. Certainly not if money is tight. You've not messed up!

She needs to understand it’s ridiculous to think she can move in to her accommodation a month early - and have all those extra costs when she doesn’t need to.

It’s a luxury she can’t afford. Very few studebts could.

Sit her down and ask how much she needs. Then show her your bank account and give her a list of bills that are due this month. Then look at her in the eye and wait for a reply.
She'll have a short sharp wake up call as the penny drops.

OP, you haven't messed anything up. Moving out of her home a month early is your daughter's choice. If she wants to do that, she needs to find a way to pay for it.

I think the really rotten choice here is moving in with her boyfriend, as it's likely that her student life will be very, very boring compared to that of her peers, who are all meeting new people, going to new places, etc, etc. Why would any 18 yr olds want to be acting like a retired couple at what should be a new, interesting, exciting, challenging time of their lives?

What has DD been doing all summer? Should have been working earning and saving. Tell her NO WAY are you supplying the catering for the lovebirds month long holiday.

If DD doesn't learn to live within her means right now, that will seriously mess up her university education.

Good luck because our DDs doesn't even cover their rent. We pay top up the rent and £70 a week to live on and then they have summer jobs and term-time jobs for any extras they want

Really, if she is enough of an adult to be setting up home with her boyfriend, then she is adult enough to have talked all this through with him in the first place.

I am pretty surprised she hasn't been able to get any job in the 2 months since exams finished. You can't move for vacancy signs either where we live or in any of the several other places I've been across the Summer. I mean, too late to do it now, but surely being skint and having to use her overdraft now is the consequence of that, not anything you have or haven't done.

The options are

• that she uses the overdraft on her student account
• that he pays for everything for the first month
• that she doesn't go yet (although there will presumably be 2 weeks or so when she does need to be there, before her loan comes in)

As she has been awarded the full loan, she will be MUCH better off than many other students. People on the full loan were always the better off students in all 3 of my dcs' friendship groups. £400pm, inclusive of bills is much cheaper than most halls too, so she will have plenty once her loan comes in.

Driving back and fore is going to cost a fair bit too, surely? More so now petrol is so expensive. I'd suggest more than she would need to spend on food.
Plus, her not living there doesn't solve the issue of rent - that will still be due if she sleeps there or at your house.

One thought that crossed my mind is are they allowed to share a studio flat? I thought single accommodation at uni was only for one person. You have to apply and I'm wondering how they have both applied for student accommodation and ended up sharing a studio flat.

Both my DCs went to uni (a long way from home) and there was no way that in their first year in halls, they could have shared a room, even if it was a studio flat.

Surely the easiest thing for her to do it to live at home until her loan comes through?

On another level, I feel it's not a good thing to be living with a boyfriend at 18 when starting uni.

This is the time to spread your wings, try out new things, and be independent.

I'd be worried she'd not mature into her own person if she sticks with someone she met as a young teen.

In the circumstances it seems likely that OP's DD will be receiving the maximum loan, though.

Tell your DD that you can't afford to fund her and that she needs to get a job asap.

She's old enough to grasp reality and to understand that she is not free to make choices that someone else has to subsidise.

That has absolutely nothing to do with her success at uni. You haven’t messed up anything. Your job is to support her ability to do well academically. Her social life is not something you should prioritize.

if anything I would be putting some money aside to help her when her relationship goes awry. I know from experience that moving in with the boyfriend at this stage is a bad idea. Two small flats and you spend a ridiculous amount of time sleeping over is fine, but once you live together, you can’t break up without someone losing housing and someone being stuck with a flat they can’t afford

I'm not sure why you didn't just say 'no' to this. You can't afford it, and it's unfair for boyfriend's parents to foot the bill ... even if they are more well-off than you.

You can share studios in some places - it was certainly possible in the halls I stayed at about a decade or so ago.

The accommodation plan she has currently is all kinds of crazy, and potentially dangerous too.

What if the BF dumps her?
What if she wants to dump him?

I hope she doesn't end up learning a tough lesson in the school of hard knocks, but the power imbalance in this relationship is horrible.

She should be staying in halls amd moving in when everyone else does.

She should be supporting herself.

She should be looking at herself as an independent young woman, not part of a couple.

She should be open to new social experiences and relationships, not tied down to a boyfriend, with nowhere to live if it all goes tits up.

What does she want from university? A degree and a career? Or an M.R.S. degree?

Has your DD told her BF that you receive UC?

She can't move for a month then... she gets her loan and money from a part time job.

That's what literally everyone I went to uni with did. If you're on UC she will get the mac loan exactly because you can't afford to help.

She can claim UC for one month.

UC is not there to fund people's poorly thought out lifestyle choices. She's not going to be starving or homeless, she just has to rethink her plans for the next month. And get a job.

Not sure she'd even be entitled to UC, if she's living as a couple with a boyfriend.

Your own situation, Overthisnow98, was quite different.

@Comefromaway it's unlikely your sons loan will cover everything he needs. Max (in London) is £12k, £9k outside London. A years rent, food, books, bills etc will not be covered by that. At all.

You haven't messed up anything at all! This is your DD's issue. If she wants to move out early, she needs to work out how to pay for it. She is an adult now, and that's what you do when you're an adult.

Doing a few nights with the BF and a few nights at home is daft. Whose idea was this?

It will severely reduce her employment options to keep on shifting around. She will need to be available for shift work, mornings, days, evenings, nights, etc.

She either stays with the BF full time or stays home full time. No half in half out nonsense.

And you can't seriously be thinking of ferrying her around?

The more I hear of all this, the more I suspect she hasn't told the BF how skint her family is, that she's hiding it from him. Does he know she needs to get a job to fund herself?

@SewhereIam

Which uni?
There are often bursaries for students from lower income families.

Dud she tell you thar you messex up?
You dud not
She has to make choices work and fund hersrlf to live away
Or stay home until loan cones thru