How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

Well I was pretty regularly going to the pub when I was 16 so you're lucky you have such a sensible daughter.

I'd be happy the found something sensible to do. Poor kid.

That's nuts, my 14 year old does that now! When I was 16, I went on a 5 hour bus journey to see Wham the final in a London and stayed in a hotel with my friend all on our own! It was the 80's though 😂

My stomach knotted with anxiety at this post. I'd have never been allowed to do that - my parents would have hit the roof if I'd gone somewhere without telling them.

I never want my kids to feel like that.

I can absolutely believe this. Some parents are very controlling until a very late age and/or well into adulthood if allowed to do so.

My DD1 had a friend like this when they were t

There has to be a reason for the parents going so mad about this, surely? I'd be fine with my 12yo doing this.

I have a former friend who is like this with her only child. This is one of the reasons why we are no longer friends. Child is 17 1/2 and has never been allowed to do anything on her own. Mum goes with her to school and meets her after.

Mum doesn't see her behaviour as being strange - quite the opposite- she views other parents as being lax and neglectful.

From what I hear from our only remaining friend, the Mum has created a codependancy with her daughter. Very very sad.

Poor kid. How sad 😞

Aw that's such a shame. I'd have reacted the same as you! A nice thing to do after an exam with a friend.

I concur.

It's more or less how DD1 came into being, except he didn't own a house, he owned a car and his parents' house was large.

I think the assumption was that if I was allowed to go anywhere but home - school - home, I'd be instantly drinking and sleeping around instead of getting a nice little office job at 16 and buying her a house on my 19th birthday. My plan was to go to university and never, ever return. Unfortunately, I never made it to university (or into a pub before I was 22), but I wasn't seen for dust after my 17th.

It's remarkable how attractive a man can be, even when he creeps you out a bit, when he at least pretends to like you and represents an escape from a cage.

Exactly- where she could have been so miserable, fed up and wet waiting for bus, she could have easily been tempted to get into a strangers car !

Sorry, posted too soon.

My DD1 had a friend with parents like this when they were that age. Outside of school she wasn't supposed to do anything without parental or adult supervision. They would absolutely have done this.

All that it achieved was a daughter who simply stopped telling them anything.

The joke circulating amongst all of the friends (including this girl, she laughed at her parents' ridiculous overprotectiveness) was that they might follow her to wherever she chose for university. Sell their house and relocate there to continue with their "supervision" of her. They didn't, they weren't quite that unhinged, but at times while the girls were still at school they could be.

That's mental. After our exams we sneaked off for Frosty Jack's and chips on the beach 🍟

Poor girl. Her parents were quite possibly working full time at this age. My dd 14 so a couple of years younger and in those circumstances, a trip to the cafe would be a great solution. My friend is a lot stricter than me but not as strict as these parents. She finally caved to her 15 yo being allowed to go into town unaccompanied when dd had been doing the same at 13, plus taking a bus if in a larger group - the group of friends taught her how to take the bus.

As I say, dd is 14 now and is a lot more savvy. A couple of days ago, she went to town with some friends, one of whom is a little older. I let her know when the next the bus from our village was coming and suggested they walked to the main road, where they’re more frequent. Instead, they decided to save money and walked for about 20 mins to the park and ride. My reaction? Oh, right, ok.

The only rule I give is that they stick together and if for some reason, they don’t to call me for help as dd gets anxious if she’s alone.

Very odd people. There's nothing unreasonable about two 16yos going to a cafe.

I hope you can let the friend know that you are happy to be a non-bonkers grownup in their lives if they are in a situation where they don't feel able to rely on their obviously bonkers parents.

How sad.

At 16, I'd been working in a café for 2 years (outside school hours, obviously). Did wonders for my confidence.

How is the poor girl supposed to develop life-skills to negotiate adult life?

@Hawkins001 'I can understand both sides, but at the same time, when would they allow their dd more freedom and knowledge of the risks of the world, as long as you do Jason borne style philosophy when in different cafes ect, and have an escape route planned etc, then in theory gives better survival chances, sooner or later their dd, will be an adult'

Are you serious? An escape route? Survival tactics? It's a cafe not the the jungle in a civil war!
I was going to the pub for half a cider at that age. Not saying that's right but teenagers need freedom.

How did she get to 16 & not know there are somethings you don't need to bother telling them?

when dealing with batshit, learning to keep quiet is a skill.

i hope she's planning to go to a Uni a long way away from them!

maybe she needs to board with a save family for 6th form!? Have you got a spare room??

Same here. I’d have been down the pub necking pints.

Never forget a poster on here adamant that none of her children had been anywhere unaccompanied until they were 18! They were rural. She was adamant. Really really hoped she was bull shitting.

So the alternative is sitting in a bus shelter for an hour. What an invitation that would be for pervy men to try to engage them in conversation, much as that reality is unacceptable. As opposed to sitting around a table having a chat about the exam or something else.

To be fair to the “I was in the pub” bravado places are so strict now. No way would that happen now.

DD's friends parents are batshit crazy.

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That sounds disturbing. The poor girl. At least she can be gone in 2 years.