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Original poster

How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

415 replies

Flamingoose · 19/08/2022 23:47

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

OP posts:
sue20 · 29/12/2022 06:16

Flamingoose · 20/08/2022 01:08

I did wonder if it was a money thing. They are quite wealthy judging by the house / boat / caravan etc but that doesn't mean they're not very careful about not wasting money. And anyway my DD paid for the cake and tea because friend knew she'd be in trouble for spending money without discussion. (Dd has a part time job and it's her choice what she spends her money on).

This same friend is not allowed any social media at all. It's sad. It just means she's left out of stuff.

I think they're just really controlling. It presumably comes from a place of love - wanting to keep her safe and do the right thing?

This isn’t what love looks like it’s control. Control is the opposite of love. Poor child.

sue20 · 29/12/2022 06:20

Rosehugger · 21/08/2022 21:04

For posters trying to justify the parents' actions, there is no possible valid reason for them. Certainly not religion or culture. If a religion or culture controls a 16 year old girl's movements closely then it is utterly appalling.

Anyway the OP thoroughly pre empts all these possible explanations so why are there any posts insisting on this ?

sue20 · 29/12/2022 06:23

Madamum18 · 21/08/2022 22:04

That is ridiculous. Even if its from a place of love they really need to take a look at what they are doing. Poor girl!

This is not what love looks like.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
sue20 · 29/12/2022 06:29

Rachaelrachael · 21/08/2022 19:12

Eh? I was going clubbing and travelled abroad with friends when I was 16 😂

I hitched with a friend about 100 miles and we stayed in a tent amongst the sand dunes with a bloke we’d never met before ( no sex) at that age. Amongst other things. Many other things😃 Turned out OK

sue20 · 29/12/2022 06:36

declutteringmymind · 21/08/2022 21:42

I think most people would think that's ok but then I've got a story.

We have just come back from a holiday destination where one of DS's form mates happens to be spending the whole summer with his mum.

DS and, supposedly, the other boy were really excited at the prospect of meeting each other abroad. Cue lots of messaging, how they were going to meet up etc.

So I suggested he joins us at the water park.

Hunt down friend's mum's number, do the whole polite arranging thing. Alarm bells should have rung when she said he only has his school shoes when I suggested water shoes. It was 30 + degrees.

Anyhow. Turns out he had not left their residence since he arrived - his mum is too scared ( agoraphobia? But I'm sure I've seen her with him at school events) to leave the apartment. We were in a really safe place in a much safer area than the school which he happily attends.

They travel first class. He came with no money (I expect when you have that much money no one cares who's paying for lunch and slushies but at least send him with a credit card in case he gets in a funk).

He can't swim and he's never been to a water park. He hated it and moaned moaned moaned. My parting shot 'sorry you didn't enjoy it, at least you gave it a go' - this was after I'd seen him give DS the bird a few times.

We haven't heard from him since.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that our version of normal can differ a lot to someone else's sometimes.

Yes but this is all the point of OP. Plus it pre empts any particular issues of difficulty plus the DD is on the receiving end of these parent’s disapproval which is very unpleasant for her.

crimsonpeak · 29/12/2022 06:42

Her parents are bonkers, clearly. I wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at this.

LBFseBrom · 29/12/2022 07:00

Your attitude was the right one, op, the friend's parents' is batshit.

It would never occur to me that a sixteen year old would need parental consent to go to shops or a cafe.

Solonge · 29/12/2022 08:59

Popsicle33 · 20/08/2022 04:59

My blood pressure goes up reading 'cuppa' - shudder.

Why? It’s an everyday expression….

Solonge · 29/12/2022 09:02

Flamingoose · 19/08/2022 23:47

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

They will lose their dd as soon as she can escape their clutches.

Whataplanker · 29/12/2022 09:24

This post is from August!

sue20 · 29/12/2022 09:41

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/08/2022 11:45

And that’s why it is an interesting thread albeit sad for the 16 yo concerned. We humans like to discuss and compare.

Show quote history

As it happens but I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was a mixture of responses on here.

sue20 · 29/12/2022 09:42

Whataplanker · 29/12/2022 09:24

This post is from August!

Oh, is that not allowed on Mumsnet?

Whataplanker · 29/12/2022 10:11

sue20 · 29/12/2022 09:42

Oh, is that not allowed on Mumsnet?

Show quote history

I am not the MN rules master. It was just an observation.

LlynTegid · 29/12/2022 10:36

Zombie thread!!

Madamum18 · 29/12/2022 16:33

sue20 · 29/12/2022 06:23

This is not what love looks like.

Show quote history

I agree ..certainly mis-guided "love" I suppose.

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