How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

Mines 12. I’d be totally happy with it.

They’re batshit! At that age me and my friends would have probably ended up in a pub and even then don’t think any of our parents would have hit the roof so long as we’d only had one or two. Going to a cafe would hardly register as an event!

Unfortunately both of my DD's aged 15&16 have friends who's parents are like this,they have not much of a social life,have to seek permission for most things and aren't allowed to attend sleepovers.I do know however the attitudes of said parents are down to cultural&religious beliefs.

They sound weird if I’m being honest .
my daughter is 13 soon and goes to school on the underground in her travel group and they go for bubble tea and shops after school together and then travel home together.
You have to give them freedom in my opinion or it will go against you.

I wasn't really allowed to go to places without an adult. Going to a cafe would also have been seen as wasting money and spoiling your appetite. In this situation, I'd have been expected to find a phonebox (pre mobiles) and ring for a lift home. I think it stemmed from my grandparents' postwar thrift and rather puritanical views about what a "nice young lady" should do. My DM was even more restricted during her childhood and never left the house unchaperoned. It absolutely does leave teens more vulnerable not less as they don't learn how to navigate situations and interactions with others and suddenly find themselves at uni or whatever with no skills. I was given a bit more freedom at college and went out with friends so I was not a total novice by uni. I think my point is it could be part of their family's culture but it's unusual for that way of thinking to persist to the current generation of teens and parents. And it's OK for a 16year old to go to a cafe.

Poor girl, how suffocating! All my children have gone independently to cafes from around 11 years. We live in a tiny town with low crime rate, so would be different in a city

I did wonder if it was a money thing. They are quite wealthy judging by the house / boat / caravan etc but that doesn't mean they're not very careful about not wasting money. And anyway my DD paid for the cake and tea because friend knew she'd be in trouble for spending money without discussion. (Dd has a part time job and it's her choice what she spends her money on).

This same friend is not allowed any social media at all. It's sad. It just means she's left out of stuff.

I think they're just really controlling. It presumably comes from a place of love - wanting to keep her safe and do the right thing?

My dad would have been grateful I wasn't in the pub!
Went to agricultural college at 17 so was totally independent really from then

Depending on the area and how different people are, which is better people's young adults, being taught basic survival methods or quite possibly, (obviously extreme example) putting up missing posters.

Good job our spies in the fields trusted the Moscow rules, ect rather than just assuming their are no risks in any cities etc. How many cases in the papers have people read that x happened in e.g. A local part of the city or a local park ? Then ask why you would not.want your offspring taught survival basics ?

As an example,

"Birmingham has been voted the most unsafe city in the UK, with a shocking 42% of those living there feeling at risk – even during a day."

www.Metro.co.uk/2018/08/31/uks-safest-and-most-dangerous-cities-are-revealed-7901267/

Very strange. And controlling. My 16 year old DD work part time in a cafe . Unless there is more to it , the family seem very OTT indeed, OP.

For a certain kind of stingy person, letting a friend buy it is even worse — you've gone and made yourself beholden to someone! <sigh>

My mum was like this growing up because she had a very traumatic experience when young (almost kidnapped by a random man while walking home) and so she was really overprotective and crazy. Although i could understand and sympathse with her reason for being like this, it was suffocating and it's one of the things that destroyed our relationship if I'm honest - we now don't speak.

What a complete overreaction!!! I was working at the age of 16 and living in a different town to my parents, I'm sure my going to a cafe with a friend was the least of their worries.

My blood pressure goes up reading 'cuppa' - shudder.

Poor kid, having no freedom.

At a push, I can understand if dc had missed the bus, and hadn’t informed parents they would be an hour later etc. The parents could have easily worried if dc hasn’t turned up at expected time..

In my experience, the dc who are protected the most, are the ones who go off the rails later in life, as they either want to experience life, or they don’t have the tools and resiliance to handle the big bad world.

I had parents like this growing up, there was no back story with me, it was with me (and quite possibly with your daughter's friend) just controlling parents, mine wouldn't let me go to town without them, wasn't allowed to friends houses, that was just the tip of the iceberg of how controlling it was....I think you should call the girl's parents and clear it up, because if her parents were anything like how mine were growing up she won't be able to mention your daughter's name for fea of punishment if they have decided she is a bad influence

**fear...not fea

Batshit! I can’t think of an age where this WOULD be inappropriate to be honest. By that obviously you wouldn’t allow 3 year olds to do it but if by some creamery very young children found themselves lost/abandoned and took themselves to a place of relative safety you’d still be pleased/proud wouldn’t you?!

I’d easily let my 10.5 year old go to a cafe with a friend now.

Creamery - freakery I mean!

When I was 16 I went on a three month school exchange to Canada by myself and had a hell of a lot more freedom than just going to a cafe.

I was engaged at 16 and we were looking for a house.
Poor girl.

Batshit people whose daughter will leave home at the first opportunity and they will hardly ever see her. X