How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

My friend bought her 17 year old a drink with a meal and the pub went mad even though legally that is ok.

Most kids are hanging out with theyre friends in town etc by 13 so yanbu.

They are creating a woman who wont be independent and could potentially cause safety concerns in the future as she wont be street wise

I went to Italy with my friends for 2 weeks when I was 16.

My 10 year old is allowed to go to a local cafe with her friends.

When I was around 15 (in the 1970s) I met a boy and we arranged to meet up in town. This was to be our first date. When I arrived he told me that he wasn't allowed to go to a cafe so we just had to walk around for an hour. It was my first and last date with him! Totally crazy, no idea why his parents didn't allow him to go to cafe's. Surely walking the streets is much worse!

@qpmz

The PP is joking

When I was 15/16 I bunked off school and went to the coast on the back of my boyfriends motorbike 😬😬

I think at 16 going to a cafe for a drink is perfectly fine. I think some people are way too strict and worry way too much these days, it doesn’t help as in 2 years time this girl could be off to uni and will need these skills to survive (being able to make her own choices, go where she wants to go etc..).

My parents were not strict at all, probably too far the other way, at 16 I was drinking in the pub, staying out late at night and travelling alone on buses.

One of dds friends 16 year old is going to 6th form in Canada flying by herself then boarding!

Friends said parents at her dds school won’t all their daughters to use buses at 15 😲. Beyond precious. Wont say the type of school…We in small safe city

How many cases in the papers have people read that x happened in e.g. A local part of the city or a local park?

Well, in proportion to the numbers of people having normal everyday interactions in my city and its parks, erm, hardly any.

@Hawkins001 this is not an episode of Homeland and you are not Carrie. If you have children I really hope you don't pass your fears on to them.

@LincolnshireYellowBelly makes a good point - what exam are dc doing in the middle of August?

The only reason DD1 (15) would not currently be allowed to do this is because, following a recent diagnosis, under medical advice she is not allowed to go anywhere alone. If she had left school with the friend it would be fine, or with her 11 year old sister.

We are hoping that next month at her next appointment we will be able to increase her freedom again.

with the 11 year old, I would ask her to let me know, but generally would have considered the cafe better than an hour at the bus stop.

Poor girl, her parents sound awful. What a life she must have.

My parents would have been over the moon if I went to a cafe with friends for cake when I was 16 (instead of the local park for a fag a bottle of Diamond White)

I really feel worried for your DD's friend because I feel that when she reaches 18 she is going to rebel against her parents and how.

Please be that safe haven for her if you can.

Interesting. See I would have had the same reaction as you. When my daughter started 6th form (attached to her school) they were allowed out to go to the shops/cafes etc. She would go, and ask her small group of friends to come with her, even offering to pay and they all point blank refused to leave school grounds. She just thought they all disliked her (they never went without her), so after a while she kind of gave up on those friends.

Maybe they were too embarrassed to say they couldn’t go, because their parents would go nuts? That never occurred to me, they were 16/17.

How do you / your DD know this is their reaction?

it could be the friend making it up… there was a thread on here a bit ago where the poster discovered that her own DD routinely made up shocking stories that she told to her friends about how awful her DM was. The friends all thought the mum to be an absolute horror when it was all lies made up by the DD to make herself seem more special or something. The mum had no idea this had been going on until she overheard - she and her DD had a really good relationship in fact. The fact your DD had to pay is ringing alarm bells….

That's unhinged. At 16 she has every right to leave home! (If she can afford it). Is it the money that was the issue?

Ps my dd has been doing that since 12

@Ziggyisthebestdogintheworld

Now that's extreme! I have a 21 year old, I rarely know where she is and haven't since she was 18 and went to university. She's currently somewhere with some people doing some outdoorsy thing - not even sure what country! We need to give our kids the tools to make good judgements through the teen years then let them fly, picking up the pieces of any hiccups along the way without judgement

That is a massive over reaction to going to a cafe. I would go a bit nuts is a kid of mine left an exam early, though. (I am assuming this is Scotland, just gone back into 6th form, first assessment back to see if they did the summer work properly. That would be a “first strike” on the road to being kicked out where I work if they had not performed well enough.

If they either support university education (which they might not, mine certainly didn't) or she has access to money from other places - mine refused point blank to pay for a UCAS application.

2 years time she’ll be off to Uni, or out to work. How will the poor girl cope then?
if it’s a money issue could your dd tell her about her job? Might encourage her to look for one and a bit of independence.

They should be grateful her idea of living it up is so restrained!

A cafe is hardly a den of iniquity is it, what a bizarre reaction.

That poor girl. Her parents sound absolutely horrid

YANBU

These people sound beyond controlling. As for calling your daughter a bad influence... nasty. Awful parenting - I wonder if they've ever stopped to think about what they are trying to achieve. Poor girl.

as long as you do Jason borne style philosophy when in different cafes ect, and have an escape route planned etc, then in theory gives better survival chances

I've never heard of "Jason borne style philosophy", but do you really plan escape routes from cafes? 🙄