How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

That’s absolutely batshit, and I can’t conceive of a backstory which would make it less so. Was their preference really for her to wait for an hour in the rain?

That is controlling and abusive. I would speak to the girl to ensure she is safe and well looked after.

Any chance that it's actually about money - that her parents are very concerned about how it's spent, either out of necessity or miserliness? There are people who get very worked up about cafes as a 'wasteful' use of money.

I know you said no cultural issues, but do the parents have English as a second language? I know of a few languages where 'café' means pub. The reaction would still be ott but a bit more understandable rather than worrying.

(as in, they confused the café for a pub)

knowledge of the risks of the world, as long as you do Jason borne style philosophy when in different cafes ect, and have an escape route planned etc, then in theory gives better survival chances

Survival chances? In a cafe? Life is honestly not dangerous enough in the UK to warrant such a fear filled existence, @Hawkins001

Do you live in Amsterdam and thought she’d had a space cake when she mentioned cafe? 😂 😂

Why would you need to escape from a cafe?

I really want to meet Hawkins001.

But secretly, without them knowing.

Uh totally fine. I went sea kayaking for several days (overnight) without my parents even knowing at 16. They thought I was at camp but we had a break and decided not to come home..

I’ve had something similar

my son (now aged 22) had a girlfriend just before lockdown #1 (they where both about 20 at the time)

im the mum who’s there with advice,money and support etc but believe my dc have to lead their own lives

anyway,the girlfriends mother is batshit

i live 100 miles away from my son,so he said he and this girlfriend would like to come and stay with us for a week

fine-no problem-she was driving down with him and the dog

ive never had anything like it-the mother was video calling me on fb for weeks running up to the visit

she wanted my address,work address and phone number,my salary,my dps salary,what we did in our spare time,who else lived with us,my life history,any criminal records she needed to know about-the whole 100 yards-this went on for weeks-I’m amazed she didn’t want to know my bra size

i refused to give this info-she didn’t need it and the girlfriend was 20 years old

anyway,mother tried to ban girlfriend from coming,then took girlfriends car (drove it away) and only admitted what she’d done when girlfriend said she was going to the police to report it stolen

a lot of grief later-they finally got to us

the girlfriend had to ring her mother over every small thing-what she was having for dinner,if we went to walk the dog,if we went to town,if we went in my dps car-every 5 minutes the phone was going off

then her phone kept lighting up-turns out the mother had put some form of stalking device on the phone-and was reading texts/messages etc

she had a tracking device on the girlfriends car as well

I’ve never in my life seen anything like it

they left two days early as the mother kicked off

thankfully,they broke up a few months later-the mother demanded it and the girlfriend just went with it

i swear this is all true and I hope the girlfriend escapes-she just seemed to think her mother was ‘strict’

my sds mother was the same-sd was 17 and came to live with us briefly

we don’t live near her college but it was a 5 minute train ride away

her mother went looney at us for paying the fare but ‘making’ her catch the train

we where meant to drive her every morning to college-pick her up after,cook her dinner,wash her clothes,sort out her college work for the morning,make her lunch,wake her up the next morning,lay her toothbrush and clothes out,cook her breakfast and drive her back to college again

sod the fact we both work full time and couldnt (and I wouldn’t) do all this

but the fact the poor petal had to walk 10 minutes down the road and catch a train was beyond her

and she wonders why sd has zero life skills and is struggling at uni

@Flamingoose agree with others, this is a bizarre overreaction. Is she allowed to go out at a weekend with friends at all?

@Hawkins001 your posts are concerning me. There is no need to be in such a fearful state that you plan an escape route in a walk through a city.

That is not a normal reaction

No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain

What exactly were her parents expecting her to do?
Waiting in a Cafe would seem to be the safe option...?!

Eh??? Plan an escape route from a cafe? Are you serious?

I send my 11 year old to the cafe on his own?!

Blimey. I had a Saturday job at 15 in a café! Her parents sound ridiculous. Sure, a text would be nice “we’re caught in the rain and there’s no bus for an hour, we’re going to duck into this dry cafe for a cup of tea!” but really not necessary I don’t think unless they were expecting her home much sooner. My 15 year old sometimes stops for a slush puppy with her mates when they walk home from school. No big deal.

The way people jump to conclusions on mumsnet is just ridiculous, yeah it’s a cult lol

Why are you asking us? We don't know.

This thread is nuts.

This. Spending the 'emergency fiver' that can't be easily replaced would be an issue for many right now.

I would tell my much younger teen to send me a text with the change of plans before she changed locations. For a 16 year old, I think it would be a good idea to send a text at some point with the new location info, but it wouldn’t need to be immediate. Just a hey, I’m at this cafe now, be home around 3 kind of thing.

Oh bless them :( the girls, not the weird parents)

Twats. They haven't got posh steaks from tesco expecting you to pay for them as well by any chance?

It’s different to your (and my) standards OP, but I wouldn’t be quite so quick to judge. I think we as a society tend to over judge parents with too many rules, than parents who have too little… and not knowing any other context, they just might be very cautious parents but who also love and care just as much as you do. If there are other red flags, then fair enough to be concerned.

What! At that age I'd have probably gone to a bar so they can think themselves lucky