How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

They were warm, safe, having a nice time and killing an hour waiting for the bus. i would have been happy for them and glad they could let their hair down a little together after the stress of an exam. All i ask of my 16 yr old is send me a txt if he changes plans ie going to a different town than planned or coming home much later than planned, doesnt need permission unless it's something big.

Either her parents are batshit over controlling helicopter parents or their is another reason they dont trust her. Either way - that poor kid is going to have a massive rebellion against them and then the poop will hit the fan big time! It's not like they hit the pub, casino or a strip club. it was a cafe for a warm drink and cake.

My Mum was like this and very abusive. After I picked up my A-Level results she told me I couldn't go out with my friends because she would be home alone.

I am NC now. I hope your this girl can get free too.

There must be a back story to this, and a reason why the other girl is under such tight restrictions. Apart from that, your DD did nothing wrong and should possibly avoid the other girl for a while.

I suspect a text or call saying they were going for a drink in a cafe would have been sufficient. Permission is hopefully more about knowing where they are and letting parents know you're not still in an exam. I've gone to pick mine up from school and found them to not be there. It's a truly horrible feeling, especially if their phone goes straight to voicemail. Also, after Lockdown, many kids haven't been into town on their own or with a friend and I think a lot of them are socially immature in that way (I'm speaking as a teacher here).

Less safe at bus stop for an hour! They are ridiculous.

That's a massive overreaction. I was working in a cafe age 15! Much better to sit in a cafe than in a bus stop.

So what did dd friends parents want her to do

stay out in the rain

maybe she should have texted them to say exam finished early no bus so having a cuppa in cafe

tho that’s rare. How did it

maybe they thought she bunked

Weird and controlling. Kids with parents like that
usually go non contact as soon as they get the change!

*chance

Exam legitimately ended early by the post description so why would the parents be blaming DD? That said it’s not mentioned whether both families have same culture.

I also think the cafe was a good idea rather than waiting so long at the bus stop. I feel sorry for the other girl including she can’t have any decision making over being able to occasionally buy something in a cafe from about the age of 14, let alone 16.

Is the situation only coming to light to your DD or to the girl's parents now? (Assuming the exam happened a few months ago.) Unless of course you're only posting now!!

Anyway why I'm wondering is if the girl's parents are normally this controlling and strict it's odd the girl told them about it. Or, assuming she is conditioned into telling them things, that she didn't initially hesitate when your DD suggested it.

Does come across as over the top reaction from them. Unless it is a one off thing? Something else caused this reaction to this specific incident that the girl isn't informing DD about and the level of goung mad is exagerated.

The SM thing - not sure. Could be controlled or could be the girl doesn't want it and says her parents prevent her. (Teenagers not liking SM exist - rare admittedly- but they are out there!!)

Poor girl, I'd be grateful they had the sense to keep themselves fed and hydrated rather than hanging about in the rain (or getting burnt on a hot day). I'm assuming the parent was stressed about them leaving the exam before the very end rather than the tea and cake. Unless, other then being controlling or the girl has a serious allergy my only thought would be are they secretly broke? and don't want her wasting money on frivolities like tea and cake. My kids are younger and I would be quite happy for them to do that after school. Even in year 7, at the end of term they have both been out in town for McDonalds with friends.

16!!! She could get married at 16. Her parents are crazy. My 14 year old g-daughter goes to the Trafford Centre with her friends all the time for shopping and coffee. They all get the bus home together. You have to let them have some freedom or they will rebel and do things behind your back.

There wouldn't have been anything other than a delighted reaction from me either.
I feel sorry for the friend whose parents seem very controlling but not knowing the background of the friends' parents, I might reserve judgement until knowing why they said what they said.

Probably wonder why they didn't go to the pub.

They sound completely bonkers to me. It was a cafe, not an opium den. I was going to shops and things on my own well before age 16.

Unless theres a terrible back story that you're not aware of, this is weird and scary behaviour!! Does this other parent realise 16yr olds are technically adults and can even get married?? Not that you'd want that but you see what I mean!!

This is interesting. the parents response seems unsual. I am really questioning what you said about there being no cultural or religious reasons to consider, are you sure?
from my experience of parent coaching, those two play a significant role in how we react to our children's behaviour. It's not always obvious that culture or religion is playing a role, especially if it's 3rd generation growing up in western society. I'll give a personal example. I grew up in the UK but was born in Africa. I would say i raise my children the western cultural way but I didn't realise some of the way i dealt with things were based on how i was raised (the African way).
Something so simple like this scenario to my parents wold be a big deal whereas to me it's not.
I hope i'm making sense. I think the best thing is to look at why they responded that way and to understand that different upbringings means we do not see things the same way no matter how big or small the situation.

When I was 15 I was going to a market over an hour away to walk around the shops and market. I was also traveling 2 hours to walk around Melbourne {Aust}
When I was 16 I had a full time job and walked half an hour to catch the 6.30am bus to get the 7.30 train to the 3rd station to get another bus to get to work by 9am. Luckily I was offered a lift by the office girl {supermarket}.
At 17 I was living almost 2 hours away from my family home, but I was using public transport so could take up to 3 hour trip.

The entire thread is full of people saying "When I was sixteen, I was travelling alone all over Europe, living in my own flat, going to pubs and clubs, etc".
So what? 🤣
Nobody is actually arguing that the parents reaction was normal.

And that’s why it is an interesting thread albeit sad for the 16 yo concerned. We humans like to discuss and compare.

Those referring to the possibility of a back story, it still doesn't make pushing their fears onto their daughter. When I was 17, many years ago, I went into our small town with a friend who had been invited to a fashion show at a shop she and her mother used. We came home on the bus, I got to my stop at about 10 30 to find my mother, waiting for me, she'd been there since 9.30. It was at a time of the Moors murders, about 25 miles away but I felt so humiliated by her action, it's stuck with me all these years.

Small town California, here. It’s such a not-big-deal that I doubt I would’ve even mentioned it to my mother, except in passing.