How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

Well I wouldn't have been allowed

We couldn't afford for me to sit in a cafe eating cake!

They need to realise how lucky they are. I’d have gone to the pub at that age

My DD had a friend who’s mother was like this, when they turned up for the first day of sixth form she was nowhere to be seen. She’d got ready for school, but instead of getting the bus she got the train to London to live with her older sibling. They’d secretly arranged a college place etc and she never came back. Her Mum was very controlling, they’re now in their mid twenties and the dd still refuses to have contact with her.

It sounds very very controlling, but we don't know if the said girl is grounded or whether her parents might have good reasons - maybe she's been in trouble with the police or has experimented with drugs or something?

I'm guessing there's a back story.

Did their dd know she should not go to a cafe? It seems harsh but obviously it's their rules. Blaming your daughter is ridiculous tho!

What exam are 16 year olds doing at this time of year?
I agree it’s very strange, however, could the parents be annoyed she’s in a cafe instead of doing an exam?

They mentioned your DD being a bad influence. Sounds like they don’t want their Dd hanging out with yours. Surely, there’s a back story to this?

Also if mine finished an exam early and I was meant to pick up, I would expect a text to say where they’ve gone instead of me having to come and hang around waiting.

Mine could be a bit like this. No big backstory, they just were a bit odd about some things.

Christ, me going to a cafe would've been the least of my parents worries when I was 16.

I'd be perfectly happy for my 12 year old to do this. Can't imagine trying to have that much control over her when she is 16!

How bizarre
I had a full time job at 16

Something doesn't add up here does it?

Sounds to me they are struggling with the concept that their child will be an actual adult in 2 years. My 16yr old has a pt job that finishes late and she walks home. I do fret about this but I am often at work myself. I'd love to wrap my 16 year old up in cotton wool but I need to get her ready for uni.

That's absolutely fine for a 16yo.

This same friend is not allowed any social media at all

Proved they are very controlling, and their DD will only end up resenting them.

How sad for their dd.

Unfortunately I knew a fair few people (family) like this & it has meant the dcs distancing themselves when older.

I’m so thankful that my parents were not like the rest of their family.

My parents were like this. If I stayed over at a friends house at that age I used to have to go to the window to prove I was where I said several times. Any plans needed detailed proof of who was going and why. Any change in plans was a plan concocted by me to deceive them, so the bus being late was an absolute nightmare because I know they'd be thinking I was upto something. I was an impeccably behaved child. Needless to say, I moved out at 18 one afternoon when they were out, and never went back.

How sad and restricting for your dd friend

they used their common sense

no bus. Raining. Went for a cuppa and cake

How has this thread descended into a discussion about espionage and missing person posters!!!!?

I’m amazed they let her get the bus at all.

My DD is the same age. After exams she was going to McD’s, the Spar, a cafe, the park. Anywhere she could go with friends for a debrief/catch up before revising for the next day.

Hope she gets to go to Uni a long, long way from her Parents.

My DF had controlling parents and went to Aberystwyth. She figured it was the only one doing the course she wanted where they wouldn't be able to keep popping up to say hello.

That is so sad .Poor girl.

I'd be over the moon that he didn't call me for a lift but used his bonce and did what your dd did instead 😄😄

WTF? That's just completely odd. Going to the cafe sounds sensible to me.

They'd rather she stood in the rain for an hour?

Sounds to me like their 16yo is being pushed to the path that’s goes something like this

meets older man with own house and moves in to get some freedom from her parents, finds herself in an abusive controlling relationship because they have normalised being completely controlled in the name of love

DD1 had a friend like this when we lived in Paris. DD had to go and collect her - she wasn’t allowed to walk 10 minutes to ours or to get the Metro. They moved back to rural US and suddenly the friend had to drive 20 miles to school every day, but apparently that was much safer than walking 10 minutes in a very safe part of Paris.