How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

Really? That's hardly stellar parenting either; turfing your kids out at 16.

I’ve not read all the comments but I’d be praising them for having the sense to go and find somewhere dry to sit in the safe! I wouldn’t want them hanging around outside in any weather but especially not nice in the rain! And what a great thing for 16yo girls to be doing - catching up over a drink and cake rather than hanging around streets getting into trouble or causing a nuisance!

What they going to do in a year when she off out in a car on her own. At 17 I used to get a text at say 4pm to ask if I wanted tea or if I was sorting myself out!

So they’ll wrap their DD in cotton wool until she’s 18? And then let her out into the big bad world … totally unprepared as she’ll have taken no baby steps towards independence … crazy

I dont see what the problem is. My 16 year old daughter often goes cafes with her friends. She's responsible and mature. She went to one few months ago and when she got home she said 'mum we went to the blitz cafe today, it was really nice, next time we go shopping can we go together', which we have done a few times now. Your daughters friend parents sound really controlling

That's crazy :D that's a lovely thing to do with a friend when you're 16!

That's some shitty parenting from those control freak parents.

Poor girl.

I was sneaking off to the pub at that age, so I’d be fucking relieved it was just a cafe!

I can imagine my SIL having the same reaction - massively controlling of what her children eat.

Eh? I was going clubbing and travelled abroad with friends when I was 16 😂

Weird. My 13YO often stops on the way home from school with friends to get chicken or cake. There's a retail park half-way home and they take it in turns to pay and chose a different "treat" every week. Isn't this just part of growing up and becoming usefully independent?

Very controlling. I feel sorry for her friend. Permission at 16 to go for a drink and bite to eat? Doesn’t sound right imo.

At 16 my daughter worked in a café.

When I hear about parents like this, I always wonder how they're going to cope when/if their child goes to university. My eldest is going into her 3rd year, I know almost nothing, beyond the basics, of her day to day life. Far too stressful for all concerned to be so up in their business!

Surely the role of parenting is to give your children wings not clip them.

The other parents seem very odd.

years ago when Dd was 12yo she and two friends set off to cycle to an ice cream place three miles down a cycle route. After a mile the heavens opened and they were drenched, it was 11am, rural, middle of nowhere but there was a pub. They went in the pub and ordered apple pie as it was the cheapest thing on the menu! They said they were the only people in the pub (it might actually have been before 11am and I suspect the pub wasn’t properly open). But I thought how resourceful they were.

of course a 16yo can go in a cafe. Dd was frequently meeting friends in town at that age.

Wow - this is making me shudder in sympathy. I grew up with things like that, I was never allowed to go out to house parties at that age, even if there was adult supervision, or really out with friends on my own much, unless she was there and watching. Going somewhere without prior consent, like your poor DD’s friend, was a definite no-no, even if it was safer and entirely sensible than the other options - I once got into trouble for doing almost the exact same thing.

Even at sixteen, I would have been expected to present myself to her, wherever she was waiting, every half an hour to show I was still ok. If at friends’ houses, I was to use the phone every hour to similarly update. If I went on a night out in my early twenties, she’d call at 10.30pm to make sure I was ok and ask me to call her before I went to bed to let her know I was still safe - a text was not enough and it better be before midnight. I didn’t even live at home.

That level of control is mental and definitely has a knock on effect on you. Your DD and her friend did nothing wrong but it sounds like the poor girl is also living with unreasonable expectations. And yeah, it’s batshit.

Very big overreaction! Blimey, I left home at 16! My mum didn't know the half of what I used to get up to!

I had my very first pt job at 16, working in a very nice cafe. I went there myself, asked for a job, had an interview and got hired. Very annoyingly the owner touched my bum on the second shift and his wife fired me the next day.

I do have a fairly successful career now 😂. Sorry not very helpful OP, just to say that of course a 16 year old should be able to visit a cafe independently.

Her parents sound super controlling, poor child!

Probably very controlling parents with a child that never went against their will and shocked that she is growing up and actually acted my herself .
she did absolutely nothing wrong imo

OMG - I was working full time at 16 and travelling 10 miles on the bus to get there. I used to go out with boyfriends and girlfriends to cafes at 15. What’s the problem? A harmless trip to a Starbucks or similar for coffee and cake for two 16 year olds is totally reasonable these days.

I knew a girl many years ago who at 18, wasn't allowed to learn to drive because she would "be out all the time" Even though she had to catch 2x buses each way to work, she wasn't allowed to buy a bus pass for the same reason so she had to pay way over the price of a bus pass and was always buying something to get change for the bus. She wasn't allowed to eat out EVER, she had to have dinner with her mum every day. The odd time she dared to eat out she would have to cover it up by eating another meal at home. The girl worked every Saturday but wasn't allowed to leave the house on a Sunday. The whole day was preparing and cooking meals with her mum. As far as I know they don't have any contact now. The not being allowed to buy a buss pass for the 20 buses a week she caught was the one that got me. She wasn't even allowed the day tickets because she might want to go back out in an evening

I would be that was a long tome ago though, I did it too, I arranged my flights to Germany to visit a penfriend, including an overnight stay in Dusseldorf and my parents were happy to let me so it. I seriously feel very sorry for the infantization of 'children' on this site, they seem to be treated in the same way I was at about 9! Things are different now but at least they have phones if they need help, if we missed a bus etc then we walked home, however far!

I was about to say the same thing! And I was in pubs with my mates when I was 15 (it was the mid 80s!)

Different parents have different rules!

My daughter's best friend was accompanied to school every day until she completed her GCSE's, she like my daughter was nerdy too. She didn't have a problem with it.

We never know what is or may have gone on in a family. Perhaps this particular family was close to a child who passed away, or any other explanation. But I don't think it's up to anyone else to make judgements.

My DS 15 soon 16 goes out at a weekend in the morning and I see later in the day. I imagine with his appetite he visits numerous food places! Very strange parents