How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

Yeah, my 13 year old has done similar. I think it is a life skill to turn an unexpected event into a positive. Would the parents just have expected them to wait on the street or were they able to drop everything and come and pick them both up? It sounds like they made a completely reasonable decision. There might be something else going on in their lives but seems like an overeaction.

For posters trying to justify the parents' actions, there is no possible valid reason for them. Certainly not religion or culture. If a religion or culture controls a 16 year old girl's movements closely then it is utterly appalling.

I wonder if its an OTT reaction in order to break up the friendship. Its not that they think there's anything wrong in going to a cafe; its that they don't want their daughter having friends outside the family.

Something in the parents past surely?

I was commuting to work in London at 16. So on trains, in cafes and shock, horror! Even in pubs! (not drinking)

They're nuts

Wow bit extreme from your DDs friends parents. At 16 I was getting drunk at friends house parties. In all seriousness she's old enough o get married and make some adult decisions but not sit in a cafe waiting on a bus. Must be more to it. Xxx

It wouldn't bother me if my teen did this.
But I also wouldn't jump to assume the other parents were ott. I'd think I didn't know everything about the other girl's background, health or needs.
We've always told our DCs if they want out of a situation or want to decline invites, they can always blame it on us being too strict if they don't want to admit that they just want to leave or don't want to go.

Sorry, it’s your daughter’s friend’s parents who are bonkers, not you ! You’re reaction was quite right .

Some families are bonkers. One family was very cross as I let DC buy snacks walking home in year 7 with their DC. He enjoyed his new freedom and was getting it out of his system while the other father ranted about calories. Guess which child has normal food regulation now.

So they'd rather she waits at a bus stop in THE RAIN FOR AN HOUR than go to a cafe with a friend?

Christ, when I was fifteen I was getting buses to go to gigs all over the place.

She will leave home as soon as she can and so she should. They sound unhinged.

After seeing the title of this I was SO ready to come at you for your absolute ridiculous reasoning but then I read it lol.
that's really really unbalanced. 16 is a perfectly reasonable age to do this. Would a little txt to parents to let them know where she’s at be nice? Sure, but also not imperative!

If the cafe and the walk to it weren't in a "bad part" of town (which it seems not to be), I see nothing wrong with sixteen-year-old girls going there on their own. It seems a very sensible decision to me under the circumstances.
Not to be controlling, but just because I care, I would have wanted my daughter to phone me at some point and let me know where she was and what she was doing--I might worry if I knew it was raining, but intelligent sixteen-year-olds are certainly capable of going to a cafe with a friend on their own.

Unless there is a backstory, the other parents are overreacting. I feel sorry for their daughter.

Totally weird and over the top. I'd have been happy with that at the age of 12! Poor kid.

I think most people would think that's ok but then I've got a story.

We have just come back from a holiday destination where one of DS's form mates happens to be spending the whole summer with his mum.

DS and, supposedly, the other boy were really excited at the prospect of meeting each other abroad. Cue lots of messaging, how they were going to meet up etc.

So I suggested he joins us at the water park.

Hunt down friend's mum's number, do the whole polite arranging thing. Alarm bells should have rung when she said he only has his school shoes when I suggested water shoes. It was 30 + degrees.

Anyhow. Turns out he had not left their residence since he arrived - his mum is too scared ( agoraphobia? But I'm sure I've seen her with him at school events) to leave the apartment. We were in a really safe place in a much safer area than the school which he happily attends.

They travel first class. He came with no money (I expect when you have that much money no one cares who's paying for lunch and slushies but at least send him with a credit card in case he gets in a funk).

He can't swim and he's never been to a water park. He hated it and moaned moaned moaned. My parting shot 'sorry you didn't enjoy it, at least you gave it a go' - this was after I'd seen him give DS the bird a few times.

We haven't heard from him since.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that our version of normal can differ a lot to someone else's sometimes.

Poor girl, her parents are horrible arseholes.

Posting my reply without looking at any other answers, so forgive me if this has already been mentioned. I didn’t want to be swayed by other replies!

at 16 there is absolutely no problem with a dc going to a cafe with their friend! 100% no problem! The only problem here is the dc’s parents!

They will be going to college or work this summer/autumn when will they give their child the room to grow up. Now adays there are apps like life360 where you both have it on your phones and you know precisely where your child is. How would the cope with my situation my DSS has had to move to a different part of the country for his development (college and work) we have the app and know where he is.why don't they use this app or doesn't she have a phone as they're controlling her life.

How is this parent going to cope in a couple of years if she decides to go to university

It sounds like they will try to prevent her going, or she will have to attend a local one so she can live at home and they can keep their eye on her. Maybe they don't want her having friends or a life so she has to stay at home and look after them.

That is ridiculous. Even if its from a place of love they really need to take a look at what they are doing. Poor girl!

My 14yo is working in a cafe, let alone 16yos!

In the end, over protecting parents, especially when their child is 16 or over, will create a nervous, unconfident and socially dysfunctional child. Children nearing adulthood need to test their boundaries and find out for themselves what the world will hit them with, and come out of it unafraid, confident and with self esteem.

Very spooky

I have a 16 year old. I'd be very surprised if she told me something as mundane as she'd been to a cafe.

Actually, she's 17 tomorrow and my son turns 16 2 weeks later. I'd be surprised if my currently 15 year old felt the need to inform me of something so minor.

The main rule is, answe your phone, when I want to know where you are!

I think it’s abusive to be so restrictive to someone who’s almost and adult. They’re causing a future of anxiety and poor mental health.

What was she supposed to do instead? Wait
In street

Do they think she may go to uni?

She's going to go crazy snd LET RIP!