How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

Maybe they do have the right to their beliefs, however weird, but they don't have the right to make negative, unpleasant comments about the OP's daughter's involvement. At this rate their daughter will have no friends and then they can say she's being 'bullied' by them.

The poster omitted one of the first rules, sit with your back to the wall and face the door! Order your coffee shaken, not stirred too.

Absolutely ridiculous. There are some parents who try to control their kids through food. Could it be that? My 14 year old and her friends regularly meet and go to eat in cafe/restaurants (cheap ones 😂)

You must be bonkers - you’re trying to control a 16 year old !
When I was 8 I used to take myself off on long bike rides with a friend, would spent all day wandering through country lanes ( ok I’m 69 now, so the world was ‘ safer ‘ then ) with a friend, take a neighbour’s dog down to the river with a friend and spend an hour or two chucking sticks into the river for the dog to retrieve . When my daughter was 15 we let her join a youth drama company ( she’s 36 now ) where the minimum age was actually 16 ( ! 😂) and let her go off to nightclubs with them ( underage - naughty naughty 😂) and abroad to do performances in Austria, Ireland and France .And I had a Saturday job cos I pestered and pestered at age 15 when the minimum age for working was 16 in a high class boutique and used to babysit for the family there .
Do you wipe her nose for her, and if she goes to University will you go too in case she meets any boys ( 😱) or bad influences there ?

My daughter is now 42, I am 68....when my daughter went to a cafe at 15 I didnt mind at all....when I was 15....my parents who were quite strict didnt mind at all. In two years these girls will be legally allowed to marry, join the forces, buy a car, sleep with whoever they wish, move abroad and do anything an adult is permitted to do. This poor kid is expected to go from little girl to adult in one swoop....totally nuts parents...dumb as a log.

I do worry that we need to be honest with ourselves about where the highest risks are. Sadly for girls and young women, they are more likely to be hurt or abused in relationships ( family or with a partner) . Not in costa with a friend eating cake.

I agree that children and young people who are denied the chances to take risks and make mistakes will struggle more to learn life skills and feel confident. Part of having children is living with the fear we feel often about them coming to harm, but a bigger part still is not transmitting this fear in a way that will hold them back.
Tbh I do judge the parents in this case, poor kid - that is very dangerous and abusive parenting on many levels.

@Hawkins001
I walk around London at night, I've never felt the need for an escape route. Last time I went to a gig I walked from the venue to the hotel, the time before that from the venue to the Tube station, then from the tube station to the hotel. That was Kentish Town and Lambeth respectively, they felt just as safe as where I live at night time.

Perhaps this particular family was close to a child who passed away, or any other explanation. But I don't think it's up to anyone else to make judgements.

No matter what has led them to this I think any reasonable person is justified in saying that the girl's parents are harming her with such strange behaviour and by calling the OP's daughter a 'bad influence'. For visiting Costa for a coffee and a muffin.

Please enlighten me if you can understand both sides....I see nothing sensible or reasonable in limiting and controlling a sixteen year old like this. The kid could run away and get married, legally....if they carry on like this, something they really dont want to happen, will happen.

I was expecting the opposite question and was coming on to say, at 16 I told my daughter she needed to start making safe choices and letting me know, rather than asking permission (in terms of going our with friends, making social plans).
How is this wee girl going to be able to learn to make her own decisions safely if her parents are so controlling?

I would find the parents behaviour very suspicions, sounds like an abusive home to me. The girl is 16 not 6, I would be concerned if my daughter ever visited their home.

Insane reaction - poor girl!. My daughter is 13 and loves growing her independence (within reason of course). Some of her friends parent make me laugh though, they won't let their daughters get a 10 minute bus ride or go into the local town but are happy for them to have snap chat, insta and watch love Island - which in my opinion is much more detrimental to teens than catching the flipping bus!

Very sad. Being so prescriptive with a person of that age is a recipe for disaster. I should know. We were very prescriptive and critical of our daughter when she was a teenager and she had lifelong problems with self esteem.

I was living on my own in London at 16. My parents lived on the Sussex coast and I rarely had any contact with them.
The parents of your DD's friend sound insane.

That sets alarm bells ringing for me. That kind of control is abusive and isolating. They are denying someone old enough to leave school, social interaction with a friend. They are 16...they technically don't need their permission. They could even move out. I think I would speak with the school and advise that said child is almost held prisoner by controlling parents and they become abusive if they take the right to do something such as socialising without asking permission.

How is this parent going to cope in a couple of years if she decides to go to university.
I feel proud of the fact that both of my girls are now independent students, and consciously encouraged them to do these types of thing in the hope they would thrive.
My youngest is on the autistic spectrum and I would have been overjoyed that she did this.

teens who are subject to this level of control often end up looking for the nearest escape route which can be throwing themselves headlong into an unsuitable relationship.

Wow.. the other parents are too much. Ahe will be in 2 short years be heading for o uni or at least be 18... Will the decadence of a cafe visit be ok then?
Tbh if it was my daughter I would be proud tbey chose to do that out of the rain in a safe public place. But that's me

This reminds me of a friend at university (masters, not undergrad - so we were 22 at this point), who has an absolutely irate phone call from her mum at 2am because she had gone to a nightclub. She is teetotal, and we had had an amazing night dancing and having a blast, and her mum ruined it for her from 200 miles away. I felt so sad for her.

I was waiting for it to be you who was enraged and have my YABU lined up... but anyway, no, YANBU and they are weird.

Maybe there's a backstory with their DD or they are just looking for an excuse to separate her from your DD (which would also be weird).

Could she have been grounded?

Well I feel like a terrible parent now. I suggested to my 10 year old that it might be nice if her and a friend walked to our local cafe and had a bubble tea as we have just discovered this phenomemon. I'll have to take the suggestion right back now. Or not!
OP I think your daughter sounds great. What a sensible thing to do rather than sit around in the rain. And her friend's parents are lunatics.

Holy shit. I let my 12 and 10 year olds go to get their lunch at a cafe this week without me! Chips and cheese and a can of Coke! Lovely.

My 12 yr old often takes herself off for a walk to a coffee shop, gets herself a coffee and reads her book. I think she thinks she lives in some kind of American made-for-Netflix film 🤣

To not let a 16yr old is MAD

Maybe they feel they are losing control as their dd grows up and starts making decisions for herself.