What I've done vs what DH has done

[FuckMyActual]

I'm pissed off

Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this.

We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted.

Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share!

Me

Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry
All dishes
Scrubbed kitchen floor
Scrubbed worktops and cooker
Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter
Packed all kids clothes
Packed my clothes
Made all meals
Took dog to kennels
Did basic food shop
Cleaned bathrooms
Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool
Tidied the garden
Hoovered everywhere
Put away all toys
Dusted everywhere
Washed all bedding and replaced on beds
Took kids to various activities

*DH
*
Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs
Put away his screwdrivers
Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do
Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with
Claimed headache and had a long nap
Claimed fatigue and had long bath
Played Xbox with kids

Oh- took a bag of rubbish out.

Hasn't packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!!
*

What the actual fuck?!? I am
Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!!

Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!!

😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

@Donotgogentle what happened? Did you end up going or not?

I did in the end, because DH heard me then and pulled his finger out and has done (more) since. It’s an incident we joke about now but it was a red line for me that I wasn’t going to put up with it and the consequences would just have to be lived with.

Ultimately we have to make a choice about what we’re prepared to put up. We can’t control what our families do but we can choose how we respond, even if the choices open to us are not what we would want.

How is it going?

Hows it going OP?
And dont know if you saw my original suggestion but would you calling a family meeting in a calm moment and explaining to them just how unhappy you are have any impact? So not just catching them all in the same room at the same time, or shouting in the heat of the moment, or it be part of a conversation about otger things - bring them all together for the specific purpose of expressing how miserable you are, how disrespectful they are, and asking them why they think you should be the maid

It didn't go brilliantly, oddly enough. I told them all really calmly that I am not household staff and they are not the gentry, and they need to get out of that mindset. I am not being their skivvy anymore. It seems the general consensus is that if they leave it long enough and piss me off enough, I will cave in. They will be disabused of that notion if they try it, which will just result in them having more to do by the time they get round to it. I've tried handholding, pleading, punishing, and they refuse to learn. Lots of eye rolling and huffing from DD, claims of me being a life ruiner because she doesn't have a self cleaning bedroom and do I know how unreasonable I sound when I say there won't be pocket money if chores aren't done, etc. DH just did a robotic sort of "yes dear" routine after he had rounded on the kids and I told him I was including him when I talked about the disrespect I come up against. Which fucked me off, because it either communicated an attitude of agreeing so I shut up and the situation can continue, or he's pretending he's so henpecked and downtrodden- for what fucking audience I don't know!

So this morning I've made myself and 7yo some pancakes, called the kennels to tell them that DH will be bringing the dog to them later today (it was me they met after her trial stay this week) and have put my feet up. I'm not cooking for anyone except me and the youngest, I'm not sorting anyone else out. Dh needs to pick up his prescription, but I will not be reminding him and certainly will not be getting it myself. DD wants taking into town today to do some shopping with her friend. DH will have to do that or she'll have to catch the bus, but she's not leaving this house until she's done the dishwasher and I will absolutely die on that hill after the way she spoke to me yesterday. DS1 was actually motivated to do a few things yesterday, but not enough! Not in my opinion, anyway.

Anyway, I'm doing all this in adrenaline fuelled righteousness, but I know I've already lost. Because I've been here before. I am one person against 3 and their idgaf attitude towards living in a shithole will overwhelm me in the end

I do still have all the chargers and controllers though, even though DD was literally screaming about her phone dying and don't I CARE?!?

I do not.

Good for you op. Let this start the change you need.
We're going on a self catering holiday this weekend. I've given the dc specific tasks to do as well and will be reading the riot act if they're not done by tomorrow evening.
Hope you enjoy your holiday.

OP, you can do this. You CAN mentally check out. A few years ago my paid workload doubled, and I was faced with a choice - work myself into the ground or chuck in the domestic duties, which landed mainly with me. I stopped doing ALL of it - cooking, cleaning, tidying. I just sat in my room and worked. And lo and behold, after a week or two while it sunk in, DH started picking up the slack. Started cooking mainly, otherwise he was facing a diet of toast (which I'll happily live on), and then eventually cleaning and hoovering and all the day-to-day house management. And it stuck. He still does most of it because he's retired and I'm not.

The only thing I can't get him to do is regularly water the houseplants, cos he doesn't seem to notice that they're dying right in front of him.

Lol he's actually hoovering right now, and even came in ten minutes ago to offer to clean the loo in my bathroom.

👏👏👏👏

you are doing very well.
keep going!

OP, you are doing well.

The key is not to do ANYTHING for THEM.

They may leave the mess, but eventually you neither cooking, shopping, washing, nor driving them ANYWHERE will sting.

Remain calm.
Look after the 7 year old and the rest can be left to your husband.

Anyone comes near you for anything, put your🤚up and say on a loop "nothing to do with me, ask dad".

Don't upset yourself.
Just stop doing shit for them.

Self interest will change their behaviour, believe me.

OP - you've no idea how proud and pleased I am. Keep it up - it won5 be easy but so well worth it.

I had to resort to similar tactics over ten years ago. Stay strong!!

God I don't envy you. But right beside you in support! Hope it works out!

Well done op, it makes me happy to read your last post, I'm sending you strength to see it through as I know how hard it is

You have the whole of MN (minus the MRA wankers) cheering you on.

As MN used to say in the old days- Keep On Keeping On!

Well done OP, stay strong.

One thing I remember hearing from a child psychologist on the radio talking about messy teenagers was when it came to their bedrooms, just close the door and leave them to it. He basically said pick your battles, but that if you don't have to look at/fall over the mess in their room, just leave them be. They may eventually decide they don't want to live in squalor.

Obviously doesn't count for other chores around the house.

Well done OP!
Stay strong!

Keep going :)

We are on holiday now, and my DH has literally woken up whinging at me that I just went to bed last night and made no preparation for him to find his charger or anything. I told him I am not his maid or his PA and I am not staying up to serve him in any way, this is MY holiday too and if I'm tired and 7yo is in bed, I've every right to go to sleep myself, regardless of whether or not he knows where his charger is or his earplugs are! He's just glared and said "see, this is why I didn't want to say anything!"

Then why did he?!? I am NOT having anyones incompetence ruin the holiday I planned, I paid for and I deserve. I am not responsible for it!

OP,

Is there any plan B you can think of? I would say, one more whinging like that, or passive aggressiveness to get back at you (can see that happening too...), and you leave them and go back home. By yourself.
The 7 year Old is his kid though, he'll take care of him/her even if imperfectly.
You need to do something major that actually impacts DH/them all, otherwise nothing will change and you'll keep limping on.

This is mad. Why does he think this is your job? Have you asked him?!

If he’s this unabashedly entitled, then I honestly cannot imagine the level of skivvying you usually do. I agree with the poster above, you honestly need to leave them to it.

@FuckMyActual

There is no way a normal, rational human adult would think it was someone else's responsibility to 'make preparations' to find a charger for them

And would wake them up to moan at them for not doing it.

I think you need to seriously consider what you get out of being in a relationship with someone that entitled and selfish.

And how it is clearly impacting your kids behaviour

Did he pack his charger and earplugs

He did pack the charger and earplugs, but lost the bag they were in and seemed outraged that I had shut the place down for the night while he was sitting out on the balcony having a drink and watching the ships. It was 10:30pm, everyone was tired after a long day so everyone went to bed. I have never and would never check with him that it was alright if I went to sleep! He's over his man strop now but just had to state- "all I was saying was that everyone went to bed and forgot I was out there and might need stuff before I went to bed, so then I couldn't find it because it was dark!"

I said nobody's life revolves around what he's doing, and he used to be competent and self sufficient before I had our 7 year old and stayed home with him and he got worse during the pandemic with all the lockdowns. He got too used to being catered to and not having to organise himself for a work day or help get any kids ready for school, do any physical shopping etc. I said it was probably a lot of men's sexist little dream come true and I don't think I'm wrong for saying that this isn't what I married into and not what I expect my husband's attitude to life to be.

He's now helping dd paint her nails