Page 7 | What I've done vs what DH has done

FuckMyActual · 2022-08-15T12:26:05+00:00

I'm pissed off Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this. We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted. Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share! *Me* Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry All dishes Scrubbed kitchen floor Scrubbed worktops and cooker Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter Packed all kids clothes Packed my clothes Made all meals Took dog to kennels Did basic food shop Cleaned bathrooms Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool Tidied the garden Hoovered everywhere Put away all toys Dusted everywhere Washed all bedding and replaced on beds Took kids to various activities *DH * Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs Put away his screwdrivers Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with Claimed headache and had a long nap Claimed fatigue and had long bath Played Xbox with kids Oh- took a bag of rubbish out. *Hasn't* packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!! * What the actual fuck?!? I am Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!! Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?" WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!! 😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

Boybandfacedfannyfart · 16/08/2022 19:37

Fuck it. Stay at home in your lovely clean house, soak in your chemically-balanced pool sipping cocktails. Power up the kindle. Buy some M&S food and leave the fuckers to it.

premiumwine · 16/08/2022 19:40

Suprima · 15/08/2022 13:42

This hasn’t just happened- he is clearly a lazy fucker, doesn’t respect you and you have been mummy for quite some time

He won’t change.

You put up with it or you leave

Yeah

just to play devils advocate, how can you expect him to know what needs to be done when you always do it for him? He just sees the end result, not the effort that goes into it

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2022 19:41

FuckMyActual · 16/08/2022 18:51

@Nanny0gg, unfortunately I'm not prepared to sack off a 2k holiday. I don't have the disposable income to make that ok.

They still go. And have to fend for themselves

You get a peaceful quiet time at home

Otherwise. are you going to implement the strike action?

Hobbitfeet32 · 16/08/2022 20:00

Agree with many others, stop doing it all. Kids need consequences for not pulling their weight. If they are old enough to play x box they are old enough to help around the house. No x box, no Wi-Fi, no money etc.
If you’re DH really won’t do any of the housework then I would be questioning why you would want to stay with someone who has such little respect for you. And empty the pool.

comfortablyfrumpy · 16/08/2022 20:01

I get why you are pissed off. Not sure why you are getting blamed.

I an guessing your DCs ignore you, in the knowledge that your DH won't back you up, so there isn't a united front to tell him them to get their arse into gear.
They also see that your DH leaves it all up to you, and they follow his lead.

I honestly don't know what to suggest. Wifi password sounds a good start.

I think your DH needs to understand that if he doesn't start thinking for himself and doing his share, he will be doing it all on his own, EOW...

....

Cherchezlaspice · 16/08/2022 20:13

BionhipWoman · 16/08/2022 19:35

I have a man who is very similar. He has absolutely no clue about anything. He's not lazy, he's not refusing to do things, he just has no clue what to do or how to start doing anything. I give him a list of tasks to do and he'll do the ones he can figure out how to do, like taking the trash out, cleaning the floor, washing dishes (although he leaves the sink full of suds and wet towels and cloths everywhere). The rest he needs me to explain to him how to do them... he's not dumb, he doesn't have a mental health issue, but he does have a personality issue that means he has to have instructions explained very, very literally as if he was a three year old. Otherwise he has no clue. Yes, it's deeply frustrating and I do have a meltdown every now and then, but I also have to stop and tell myself that he's not doing it deliberately and that me going nuts is not helping.

If he’s not lazy and doesn’t have a mental health issue, presumably once you’ve given him the very literal instructions, you don’t need to do it again? If you tell him once ‘don’t leave the sink full of suds and wet towels, do this instead’ then he never does it again?

Topgub · 16/08/2022 20:13

Youve tried everything except not doing it for them anyway and punishments

What you've done isn't working.

Why keep doing it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/08/2022 20:41

If you insist on going on the holiday, strike. Say to them that they did nothing to prepare and you are now actually on holiday. Do the minimum so you can have a lovely time, let DH manage everything else.

If the teenagers want to plug in the entire time, they can.

My wonderful DH does at least half the housework (and yes he's a very manly man @ML2 ) and we don't do self catering so we can both have an actual rest. He's with me in that so he's not doing it either.

00100001 · 16/08/2022 22:52

BionhipWoman · 16/08/2022 19:35

I have a man who is very similar. He has absolutely no clue about anything. He's not lazy, he's not refusing to do things, he just has no clue what to do or how to start doing anything. I give him a list of tasks to do and he'll do the ones he can figure out how to do, like taking the trash out, cleaning the floor, washing dishes (although he leaves the sink full of suds and wet towels and cloths everywhere). The rest he needs me to explain to him how to do them... he's not dumb, he doesn't have a mental health issue, but he does have a personality issue that means he has to have instructions explained very, very literally as if he was a three year old. Otherwise he has no clue. Yes, it's deeply frustrating and I do have a meltdown every now and then, but I also have to stop and tell myself that he's not doing it deliberately and that me going nuts is not helping.

How does he cope at work?

comfortablyfrumpy · 16/08/2022 23:05

00100001 · 16/08/2022 22:52

How does he cope at work?

Show quote history

And that's the kicker.
These strategically incompetent men, they manage at work fine. Just incapable at home.

ThePoetsWife · 17/08/2022 03:41

BionhipWoman · 16/08/2022 19:35

I have a man who is very similar. He has absolutely no clue about anything. He's not lazy, he's not refusing to do things, he just has no clue what to do or how to start doing anything. I give him a list of tasks to do and he'll do the ones he can figure out how to do, like taking the trash out, cleaning the floor, washing dishes (although he leaves the sink full of suds and wet towels and cloths everywhere). The rest he needs me to explain to him how to do them... he's not dumb, he doesn't have a mental health issue, but he does have a personality issue that means he has to have instructions explained very, very literally as if he was a three year old. Otherwise he has no clue. Yes, it's deeply frustrating and I do have a meltdown every now and then, but I also have to stop and tell myself that he's not doing it deliberately and that me going nuts is not helping.

How can you want to shag such a man child?

ThePoetsWife · 17/08/2022 03:54

The reason why your kids are refusing to do chores and showing contempt for you is because they're following their father's example.

Children model their behaviour and future relationships on what they see growing up.

It seems no one is feeling the consequences of their laziness - except you.

Stop enabling them and instead take away their privileges. I would also stop doing the laundry. Ironing, life admin etc for your DH.

On holiday go out for lunch and dinner every day. Don't plan activities for them. Don't do anything like cleaning etc - remind them it's your holiday as well.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/08/2022 04:15

FuckMyActual · 16/08/2022 18:51

This. I had my mum saying I should just chuck a bit of dettol in it. No, it needs chlorine, algaecide, ph plus or minus, clarifier.... and I never even get in it!! Don't have the time!

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Get rid of it.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/08/2022 04:26

May I offer a man’s perspective (I know it seems rare on this board!).

I knew from this opening we were in for a mountain of glorious, oblivious, sexist shite and you did not disappoint, good sir.

Now go clean your house before the Fembot malfunctions.

PortMac · 17/08/2022 04:29

excitingusername · 15/08/2022 20:09

I think organising jobs between two is trickier than him just 'pulling his weight'. You sound incredibly efficient and quite formidable - I would imagine he could well tread on your toes so it's easier to just let you manically do everything. I'm not saying he isn't lazy but I also know that while I like help in the house, I also like it done a certain way so I'm pretty controlling really. I have to acknowledge that in myself.

He clearly doesn't think like you so he needs lists and you need to learn to properly delegate - and while sexism is of course factor in why men don't do certain chores, I think some allowance can be occasionally be made for men not thinking in the same way about domestic work.

Actually project manage it rather than just getting angry because he's not like you. Remove emotion from the equation. ie. Define the problem, formulate a plan that works for you and help each other achieve it. If it doesn't improve then you then need to deal with it as a partnership issue?

Being angry with the issue is not working - it is insanity to continue doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

Well said!!

Beelezebub · 17/08/2022 04:53

FuckMyActual · 16/08/2022 18:51

@Nanny0gg, unfortunately I'm not prepared to sack off a 2k holiday. I don't have the disposable income to make that ok.

No.

But I tell you what you could do: they go and you don’t. They go and be filthy pigs without you. You stay at home in your lovely clean house, alone, without the rotten gits and have a wonderful break. Read books, wash ONE plate, sit in silence, do half a load of just your washing. Tell them that the consequence for how they’ve behaved is you’ve given yourself a week off.

When they come back, tell them the pool is going (and mean it - get that time sucking thing gone, they don’t deserve it), the gadgets are going, the screwdrivers are going, and a skip is arriving in a week’s time to collect all of it if they don’t pull their fucking fingers out. And that includes the man toys. Have all their lovely things piled up ready.
And when the kids are in bed, you tell the man child that either he gets a really solid grip really fucking fast, or it’ll be you leaving shortly after the skip.

StartupRepair · 17/08/2022 04:55

I feel your anger OP. Similar set up here. Just nursed DD (20) to health after a serious operation, involving special diets and masses of emotional support. I got to the point where I was just so weary of the mental load, unshared, that I was just snapping out commands to DH who was frequently oblivious. Not great.

Beelezebub · 17/08/2022 05:02

ML2 · 16/08/2022 10:33

May I offer a man’s perspective (I know it seems rare on this board!). Plus one question - are the kids all boys?

A lot of the things you list just don’t directly impact them (the husband + boys), and are things they just don’t care about. Cleaning the kitchen floor, the fridge, tidying the garden, cleaning the pool. Most men are happy living their lives in dirty surroundings and wouldn’t bother doing anything about it until it’s so dirty they themselves can’t stand it.

The laundry, food and activities you have a point in - but again like some other posters are saying, it seems you are also allowing them to take advantage of you a bit here? Though I do agree teenagers are gonna teenage.

I don’t have an answer for you and I do feel for you but just wanted to add my two cents that a lot of the resentment you are feeling comes from having all the expectations and not understanding that the men in your house clearly don’t care about any of these tasks in the first place, which is also why they don’t notice you doing it, or acknowledge/give you praise for doing so, or understand why you are getting angry when things are not being done. From their perspective, if a task they are given is not done and it’s not something they care about, then fine no issues because who cares about a dirty kitchen floor. But you of course disagree and can’t live like that so you feel compelled to clean and then feel resentment.

The other point I wanted to draw out as well is I don’t know any man who thinks ‘someone is visiting the house so I must make sure it’s clean’, or ‘we are going on holiday so the house must be clean before’. Again it’s the same point as above but just not the way we think, and it seems from all women in my life they are all of the opposite view here. But it does explain somewhat the different levels of engagement.

I’m not passing judgment on what is fair or normal and clearly you do a lot more than they do which is unfair on you! But I think it’s important in this thread to show the other side (and explain a little) which I see no one so far has offered.

FYI in my case I do care a bit more about having a tidy place so I probably do about 40% and I am lucky enough to be able to afford a regular cleaner who also tidies and sorts the washing which has eased my life significantly since I’ve been able to afford it.

Oh, what crap

TheLeadbetterLife · 17/08/2022 05:05

BionhipWoman · 16/08/2022 19:35

I have a man who is very similar. He has absolutely no clue about anything. He's not lazy, he's not refusing to do things, he just has no clue what to do or how to start doing anything. I give him a list of tasks to do and he'll do the ones he can figure out how to do, like taking the trash out, cleaning the floor, washing dishes (although he leaves the sink full of suds and wet towels and cloths everywhere). The rest he needs me to explain to him how to do them... he's not dumb, he doesn't have a mental health issue, but he does have a personality issue that means he has to have instructions explained very, very literally as if he was a three year old. Otherwise he has no clue. Yes, it's deeply frustrating and I do have a meltdown every now and then, but I also have to stop and tell myself that he's not doing it deliberately and that me going nuts is not helping.

Does he have a job? Does his boss patiently and repeatedly explain every task to him like he’s a three year old?

Come on.

TheLeadbetterLife · 17/08/2022 05:09

I really think a lot of women just don’t realise how conscious the scam is with men like this.

we’ve even had one come on to the thread and explicitly admit it, yet there are still women who prefer to believe these people (I won’t call them partners) are genuinely mentally incapable of housework and parenting.

Germaine Greer told us fifty years ago that we have no idea how much men hate us.

mathanxiety · 17/08/2022 05:53

The wonder of it all is that these men manage to hold down jobs, and they probably spout endless shite about teamwork wherever it is that they grace with their suited and booted selves from Monday to Friday.

OP
Go on holiday.

Do NOTHING for anyone when you get there.

Head out every morning and buy yourself a coffee and feign utter bafflement when they all start bothering you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and want to know what the plan is for the day, and need tour help finding crap that's in their cases or right in front of their noses.

Hopefully you have a book or two packed, or maybe there's a bookshop you could raid. Sit and read. Head out for a walk if you feel like it. Don't allow anyone to go with you.

If there's nothing for lunch or dinner, head out and get something for yourself. Or order something. Don't share. Wash up after yourself only.

When the time comes to pack, pack only for yourself and the 7 yo.

When you get home, keep up the selfishness ML2 advocates. It's only fair. You are treating the people you live with as they clearly want to be treated. How could they possibly mind? If they cared about clean clothes or adequate food to eat (and plates to eat it off) or getting to school on time, they would roll up their sleeves and show signs of interest. They cheerfully spent ten days living like pigs and can therefore do it some more.

Zonder · 17/08/2022 06:01

I hope you didn't pack his bag.

Kids need to do their own packing and live with the consequences of messing it up. We have given ours lists since they were little and at first walked through it with them. But both have done all their own packing since secondary school. If they forget something now that's their problem.

00100001 · 17/08/2022 06:36

comfortablyfrumpy · 16/08/2022 23:05

And that's the kicker.
These strategically incompetent men, they manage at work fine. Just incapable at home.

Show quote history

We men that can't possibly do night wakings with baby, as they absolutely must have a good night's sleep because of work. And his ever so important job that requires him to have perfect rest.

The same men that would happily stay out late on a work night for a mates birthday...

rainbowstardrops · 17/08/2022 07:07

@FuckMyActual you sound utterly worn down by them all.
My lot can be like this but my DH will do things when I ask him to. The kids, not so much.

I know it's probably easier said than done but I really would be tempted to take yourself off and tell them they can go on holiday by themselves.

At the very least, refuse to do anything on holiday.

comfortablyfrumpy · 17/08/2022 07:24

I cabt remember which poster suggested delegating and treating it as if project managing

But we shouldn't have to.