Page 11 | Did she really just say this?! WTAF?!

AgnestaVipers · 14/08/2022 06:18

NattyNatashia · 13/08/2022 17:50

It's interesting seeing some of the comments here. Perhaps she is bigoted or just got the wrong end of the stick, either way nothing to get upset about. That said find many women assume all (most) guys are our for what they can get sexually too so not restricted to gay men/women.

I assume you're not gay, and therefore know nothing about the perpetual risk involved in coming out? It never goes away - even if it has got easier. Every time I come out to someone I risk being rejected as a human being. Which is what happened here.

Womblingforfree · 14/08/2022 07:09

AgnestaVipers · 14/08/2022 06:18

I assume you're not gay, and therefore know nothing about the perpetual risk involved in coming out? It never goes away - even if it has got easier. Every time I come out to someone I risk being rejected as a human being. Which is what happened here.

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Exactly

And some other examples (and yes I could just say stuff you all and crack on with being me, but life isn't like that. We all have to moderate ourselves as adults)-

not outing myself as my child needs me to be friendly with 'that mum' because she is friends with their child...and variations on this

-not outing myself at a work site visit when asked about 'husband', DC 'dad' because I don't want this to be all that they remember of my visit (I'm usually inspecting them!)

not outing myself in a hobby group because why.. what's it got to do with X hobby. I don't want to be known as the 'gay one'
not outing myself when doing something that disadvantages women. E.g going to a car garage, buying a car, travelling alone. It feels a but safer/your less likely to get sh*t if there's a (non existent) man lurking in your life.

And so on... Another observation was that some women have husbands who don't like the thought of them hanging put with lesbians (certainly something I experienced when DC were pre-schoolers).

But all of this is getting better. Even in last 5 years it's improved. And with age I care less too. DC are older. And so on.

So yes a lot of us are quite sensitive to this. And usually just 'pull up our big girl pants' and crack on. I've got a SEN child too so I'm very used to 'stares and ostracisation' now. But it still hurts. Ask any person who is 'other'. It comes out of nowhere which is why the OP started this.

happinessischocolate · 14/08/2022 07:17

My reply was "I'm confused. I'm not sure what I have said that could make you think I was looking for anything but friendship myself". She actually replied very early this morning -"I hope I haven't offended you. I worried a lesbian on here talking to other women might be looking for something else"

Bit late to the party here but i think I'd have replied "oh don't worry I definitely don't fancy you 😁"

KalaniM · 14/08/2022 14:03

happinessischocolate · 14/08/2022 07:17

My reply was "I'm confused. I'm not sure what I have said that could make you think I was looking for anything but friendship myself". She actually replied very early this morning -"I hope I haven't offended you. I worried a lesbian on here talking to other women might be looking for something else"

Bit late to the party here but i think I'd have replied "oh don't worry I definitely don't fancy you 😁"

I’d have replied ‘ ha! I’m tempted to be offended, but I know it isn’t personal, it’s you attributing possible motivations to me that you’ve learned in the hetero world! I’m happily married and monogamous!’

JacquiG2 · 14/08/2022 14:44

I suspect she was thrown by your answer, that's all. Lots of assumptions being made here with hardly any evidence, and calling her a homophobe is a bit OTT.

Perhaps she's been brought up to not be aware of these things, I was, so came to the whole concept with no preconceptions. How about trying to be nice!

ldontWanna · 14/08/2022 14:57

JacquiG2 · 14/08/2022 14:44

I suspect she was thrown by your answer, that's all. Lots of assumptions being made here with hardly any evidence, and calling her a homophobe is a bit OTT.

Perhaps she's been brought up to not be aware of these things, I was, so came to the whole concept with no preconceptions. How about trying to be nice!

How about trying to read the whole thread or at least OP's comments?

My reply was "I'm confused. I'm not sure what I have said that could make you think I was looking for anything but friendship myself". She actually replied very early this morning -"I hope I haven't offended you. I worried a lesbian on here talking to other women might be looking for something else"

Grrrrdarling · 14/08/2022 16:49

Takemebacktothenorth · 11/08/2022 17:48

Hi,

I'm trying not to be outraged by this, but I just can't get my head around this womans comment!

Joined a friend app a few months a go and have actually been pleasantly surprised by it so far and have met some lovely women and made a few good friends, which was the aim, so am obviously happy.

However, I had been chatting to this woman for a few days and she sounded like an intelligent, interesting person, but when she asked what my husband did for a living and I corrected her and said "sorry, wife", she got really strange and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm really just looking for friends, which is why I'm on a friend app" 😶🤔🙄

Erm....what? 1, why would I try to find women on a friend app when there are plenty of dating apps? 2, why would I try and chat her up by telling her I had a wife?! So many whys here!!

It's absolutely ridiculous and bloody insulting! Does me having a wife mean I can't possibly have a platonic relationship with a woman?!

Just venting really.

You should have just told her you are on the friend app for the exact same reason & if she is uncomfortable with having a gay friend then that is her problem.

Did she know you are gay before she mentioned a husband, ie does your profile mention you are gay or in a same sex relationship/marriage?
You could also tell her that you are not in the habit of cheating on partners & she is not your type.
I wouldn’t take it personally but I’d use it as an educating opportunity.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2022 08:46

JacquiG2 · 14/08/2022 14:44

I suspect she was thrown by your answer, that's all. Lots of assumptions being made here with hardly any evidence, and calling her a homophobe is a bit OTT.

Perhaps she's been brought up to not be aware of these things, I was, so came to the whole concept with no preconceptions. How about trying to be nice!

Ok so you were raised to not be aware of homosexual people? Assume you were home schooled and restricted / no telly? Surely once you reached adulthood tho and got into the world you became aware of their existence?

And homosexuality isn't a CONCEPT any more than your heterosexuality is

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 15/08/2022 09:06

JacquiG2 · 14/08/2022 14:44

I suspect she was thrown by your answer, that's all. Lots of assumptions being made here with hardly any evidence, and calling her a homophobe is a bit OTT.

Perhaps she's been brought up to not be aware of these things, I was, so came to the whole concept with no preconceptions. How about trying to be nice!

Yes, it doesn’t matter how badly someone behaves - it’s always possible to make it the other person’s fault because they weren’t nice or kind in response. The perfect get-out clause.

voldr · 15/08/2022 10:34

JacquiG2 · 14/08/2022 14:44

I suspect she was thrown by your answer, that's all. Lots of assumptions being made here with hardly any evidence, and calling her a homophobe is a bit OTT.

Perhaps she's been brought up to not be aware of these things, I was, so came to the whole concept with no preconceptions. How about trying to be nice!

If she got to adulthood without being aware that same-sex relationships exist she's either very sheltered or very dim.

Original poster

Takemebacktothenorth · 15/08/2022 11:16

Just wanted to pop back on the thread to say that I'm so pleased that the vast majority of posters seem to understand that this was massively offensive, plain and simple, not just an innocent mistake. There's nothing innocent about homophobia.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2022 15:37

@JacquiG2 pls come and explain how you got to adulthood without understanding people were gay? How has this revelation affected your views on your own sexuality?

JacquiG2 · 15/08/2022 16:45

For a start I don't think I need to be summoned to explain myself on this topic, but will do so.

Sensible question @SleepingStandingUp

I attended a convent school, run by very feminist nuns, who told us girls that we could do anything we wanted, if we worked hard - we were already known as capable. We were expected to work too, not think about sex all day. A very productive mode of education I might add. Education about sex itself was thorough, and very effective. So possibly sheltered, as accused.

Moved to London on marriage, mixed with the movie and entertainment crowd, who were all sorts of interesting people. That was my social education if you like. Recognised the different lifestyles, and couldn't be bothered less about how people lived, or with who. This was when gay people were struggling against rampant homophobia and Section 28, and AIDS so was very aware of the issues.

My views about myself have not changed, and no road to Damascus moment that I'm different, except in some respects but I've put these traits to my advantage. (So not dim on several levels).

I do think some activities should be carried out in private, and that horses should not be frightened. Some are not to be proud of in my view, but if that's your bag? Fine. Just don't parade them as my grandchildren might be out there, and might learn things they are not ready for.

We are getting too offended too easily and apportioning blame too quickly, as here. I have every expectation that you won't like what I've written. But then my advantage was perhaps meeting different people without the usual attendant baggage.

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 15/08/2022 17:06

@JacquiG2
do think some activities should be carried out in private, and that horses should not be frightened. Some are not to be proud of in my view, but if that's your bag? Fine. Just don't parade them as my grandchildren might be out there, and might learn things they are not ready for.
What do you think gay people do, though?!
Parade what?!
You make it sound like gay people are sex obsessed (don't think about sex all day - who said they were?!)
What are you scared of your grandchilden learning, that there are people out there who might love someone of the same sex (eg Milly has two mummies) how is that not age appropriate? 😕
I'm not even gay, I'm a married straight woman with a husband and kids, but don't see why they can't know that gay families exist too, that doesn't automatically mean they're mad shaggers always at "it" and thinking about "it", what a strange idea!

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 15/08/2022 17:09

I do think some activities should be carried out in private
Like sex acts? Of course, but that's always the case anyway whether you're gay or straight!
Unless you mean hide the fact you're gay in case you mess the kids up or give them "ideas?" 😕

Womblingforfree · 15/08/2022 17:10

Saying gay people should just be gay in private is a lot more homophobic then just coming out and saying you don't like gays.
That's why 'the gays' are getting offended.
At least with the latter you can think 'ignorant', the former just sounds 'bigoted'.
Your grandchildren will be at school with children who have LGBT parents so really it's vital they have a broad and accepting view of the world. And explains why my younger teen had a child (also a young teen) as recently as last week tell her it wasn't possible for her to have 2 mums (and she didn't mean biologically, her mind was blown at the very concept).
I'm sure you're just trying to stoke us up though!

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 15/08/2022 17:16

I'm sure you're just trying to stoke us up though!

I dunno, there are still attitudes like that out there though so I can well believe the poster is being genuine.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2022 17:17

@JacquiG2 I didn't summon you, i asked and used my manners!

Thank you for replying tho.
So you were a newly married in the 80s so High School in the 70s? None of the girls ever snogged each other (i went to an all girl school, not religious mind, in the 90s. There were def relationships). I still don't really get (maybe the difference in generations here ) how when you LEFT the convent, weekends at home etc that there was no one you saw who was gay. I know people were less open but i can't believe you went to London in your 20s and saw two same sex people snogging and thought OMG what are they doing, that's never happen before. I get you might have thought omg they'll burn in hell or they're bad etc based on your upbringing.

Just don't parade them as my grandchildren might be out there, and might learn things they are not ready for. I mean i dont want my 7 yo to see people having sexual intercourse in public for example but if they see two people snogging, I don't see how it matters their sex. He might be gay, that might be the moment he recognises its ok. Same for your grandkids. That gay couple on the kids tv show might be their moment of understanding they are normal and will be loved too one day.

As for judging the woman, she assumed a lesbian being friendly must be trying to shah her, regardless of her being in a committed relationship. Given i doubt she's a 12 yo in a school sheltered from real life, I'll judge away.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2022 17:20

And explains why my younger teen had a child (also a young teen) as recently as last week tell her it wasn't possible for her to have 2 mums (and she didn't mean biologically, her mind was blown at the very concept). Her mind was blown at a lesbian couples raising a family or she just couldn't work out how one of you got pregnant without PIV sex? Even my 7 yo asked me how if two men wanted a baby TOGETHER they got their child

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 15/08/2022 17:24

JacquiG2 · 15/08/2022 16:45

For a start I don't think I need to be summoned to explain myself on this topic, but will do so.

Sensible question @SleepingStandingUp

I attended a convent school, run by very feminist nuns, who told us girls that we could do anything we wanted, if we worked hard - we were already known as capable. We were expected to work too, not think about sex all day. A very productive mode of education I might add. Education about sex itself was thorough, and very effective. So possibly sheltered, as accused.

Moved to London on marriage, mixed with the movie and entertainment crowd, who were all sorts of interesting people. That was my social education if you like. Recognised the different lifestyles, and couldn't be bothered less about how people lived, or with who. This was when gay people were struggling against rampant homophobia and Section 28, and AIDS so was very aware of the issues.

My views about myself have not changed, and no road to Damascus moment that I'm different, except in some respects but I've put these traits to my advantage. (So not dim on several levels).

I do think some activities should be carried out in private, and that horses should not be frightened. Some are not to be proud of in my view, but if that's your bag? Fine. Just don't parade them as my grandchildren might be out there, and might learn things they are not ready for.

We are getting too offended too easily and apportioning blame too quickly, as here. I have every expectation that you won't like what I've written. But then my advantage was perhaps meeting different people without the usual attendant baggage.

How very antediluvian.

drbuzzaro · 15/08/2022 17:27

JacquiG2 · 15/08/2022 16:45

For a start I don't think I need to be summoned to explain myself on this topic, but will do so.

Sensible question @SleepingStandingUp

I attended a convent school, run by very feminist nuns, who told us girls that we could do anything we wanted, if we worked hard - we were already known as capable. We were expected to work too, not think about sex all day. A very productive mode of education I might add. Education about sex itself was thorough, and very effective. So possibly sheltered, as accused.

Moved to London on marriage, mixed with the movie and entertainment crowd, who were all sorts of interesting people. That was my social education if you like. Recognised the different lifestyles, and couldn't be bothered less about how people lived, or with who. This was when gay people were struggling against rampant homophobia and Section 28, and AIDS so was very aware of the issues.

My views about myself have not changed, and no road to Damascus moment that I'm different, except in some respects but I've put these traits to my advantage. (So not dim on several levels).

I do think some activities should be carried out in private, and that horses should not be frightened. Some are not to be proud of in my view, but if that's your bag? Fine. Just don't parade them as my grandchildren might be out there, and might learn things they are not ready for.

We are getting too offended too easily and apportioning blame too quickly, as here. I have every expectation that you won't like what I've written. But then my advantage was perhaps meeting different people without the usual attendant baggage.

@JacquiG2

learn things like what?

Womblingforfree · 15/08/2022 17:28

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2022 17:20

And explains why my younger teen had a child (also a young teen) as recently as last week tell her it wasn't possible for her to have 2 mums (and she didn't mean biologically, her mind was blown at the very concept). Her mind was blown at a lesbian couples raising a family or she just couldn't work out how one of you got pregnant without PIV sex? Even my 7 yo asked me how if two men wanted a baby TOGETHER they got their child

The impression I got (wasn't there) was that she didn't know that gay people raised children or that my DD was making it up. She kept saying that my DDs other mum must be a 'step mum'. She was a 12/13 year old and we live in a city, and she's not from a sheltered/religious background. So even my daughter was like WTAF! (Which is how she told the story to me). To make matters worse, the dad of this child volunteers at the sports activity they do together.
Things like this are probably why I've been a little overinvested in this thread! (No stranger to low level homophobia)

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2022 17:44

Being kind @Womblingforfree id assume there's an element of "but one of them gave birth, one of them had sex, the sex man os your Dad" if they've never really thought it through, bit i assumed schools covered all of this these days and a simple "bit Moss, how'd they make a baby without a bloke?" would cover it

Greatfyl · 15/08/2022 19:11

Just don't parade them as my grandchildren might be out there, and might learn things they are not ready for.
@JacquiG2 are you confusing sexuality with sex? Why can’t your grandchild know about sexuality?

Learning that there are some people are in relationships, seeing them being appropriately affectionate, seeing them be parents?

None of these things are things children aren’t exposed to every single day from straight people.

Womblingforfree · 15/08/2022 21:14

I guess @SleepingStandingUp the point is that her parents clearly hadn't spoken to her about same-sex parent families... (as per the 'ooo don't tell the grandchildren) which considering there was one in their dd club and definitely others at school seems a bit telling to me. The dad is quite a macho chap so I'd put money on him being of that variety. But its dumb because he's left his own child looking ignorant. And yes they do learn about same sex families at school. I am in no way upset/cross with the girl. But equally I get sick of my DC having to educate others. Yes i did think this might be the case when I had them , But was hopeful it wouldn't be. ...But I always think...yeah it's the parents when there's issues.

Did she really just say this?! WTAF?!

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