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Original poster

My Mother-In-Law really upset my daughter over the weekend. 😕

160 replies

Wisteriabloom · 09/08/2022 19:06

Dh's parents stayed with us at the weekend, and while we had some nice times all together, MIL managed to really upset dd on Sunday. 🙁 For context -

Dd is 20, and got engaged to her boyfriend since Easter. He's 28, so a bit of an age gap, but they've been together about 18 months, very happy and we like him.

We see him quite a lot, whereas MIL only sees him every few months, as lives a distance away. It's obvious she's never taken to him, although he's always perfectly polite to her! These are some of the things she said to dd:

'You're just a kid, getting engaged means nothing these days! He's just as likely to meet someone else in Manchester (he's going on a week-long course with work soon), and that will be the end of it"!

'It won't last, you're two totally impractical people, I can't imagine you running a home together'. Now dd does have some issues practically - she's very academic, but we think she has Dyspraxia. For instance, she's really struggling with her driving lessons, and coincidentally he can't drive either, although it doesn't stop them travelling all over the country together!

She also said he's likely to walk all over her in years to come, as he's a stronger personality (in MIL's view anyway). He comes over v confident, but so is dd in her quiet way. She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone! He respects that, and is too nice a guy to be dominant, anyway!

Dd is so happy with him, they think the world of each other and MIL has totally put the dampener on everything. I'm fuming. Dh just shrugged and said it's just how she is, he said she was similar when we got together, and we've just celebrated our Silver Wedding anniversary! If she phones for a chat this week (I'm sure she will) I don't think I can hold back. She was out of order, massively! Dd said MIL obviously sees their relationship as 'nothing' whereas it's certainly not 'nothing' for either of them! Should I let MIL know she's upset dd?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 09/08/2022 19:10

No, your DD is an adult and if she's mature enough to marry someone she's been with for 18 months, and is as assertive as you say she is, then she can communicate with her grandmother herself.

Mum2jenny · 09/08/2022 19:11

I’d probably keep out of it.

AussieMozzieMagnet · 09/08/2022 19:11

As the grandmother, she has the right to state her opinion. As an older woman she most likely see things younger ones don’t. If it didn’t hit close to home (which I’m thinking it did and that’s why you’re upset), just tell your daughter to brush it off.

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BaronessBomburst · 09/08/2022 19:12

Don't invite her to the wedding.

DenholmElliot1 · 09/08/2022 19:13

I'd give her a right mouthful if that was my MIL saying that to my dd - I honestly would give her a right telling off, sometimes
People need that.

CapitanSandy · 09/08/2022 19:14

Agree with @AussieMozzieMagnet I wouldn’t get involved

marmiteandminticecream · 09/08/2022 19:15

every time she says something negative reply with something positive about him/them
she will soon get the hint that no one is taking any notice of her opinions

MissyB1 · 09/08/2022 19:17

I agree with pp, your dd is planning on getting married? Well she’s old enough to speak up for herself then.

Maybe Mil is worried for her 20 year old granddaughter making such a commitment at that age?

user3346315 · 09/08/2022 19:17

My grandma had opinions when I got together with someone with a child. She made comments even years later and it really upset me as I wanted her to be happy for me. My mum mentioned it to her and she apologised and learnt to bite her tongue with her rude opinions.

We have proved her completely wrong and have a great life together. She now really likes DH.

The older generation can be very rude, opinionated and WRONG 😂

purpleme12 · 09/08/2022 19:18

marmiteandminticecream · 09/08/2022 19:15

every time she says something negative reply with something positive about him/them
she will soon get the hint that no one is taking any notice of her opinions

I think this is the best way

Lolliepoppie · 09/08/2022 19:19

Your DD is an adult, let her fight her own battles.

Heroicallyl0st · 09/08/2022 19:20

If you and your daughter are secure in her having found a good match, it must be your MiL’s worry/anxiety at play. I’m not sure why you’d give her opinions a second thought unless she’s touched a nerve - in which case best talking to your daughter about how happy she is to commit to marriage rather than spending time challenging MiL.

Debbiedoodah · 09/08/2022 19:21

Your MiL is probably right. Pretty gross that someone in their late 20s got together with someone only just out of school...and that you're ok with it

SalviaOfficinalis · 09/08/2022 19:21

What did DD say when MIL said these things to her?

I would stay out of it as much as possible. If she says things to you about him, give a stock answer “well DD likes him and we trust her judgement” type thing.

If she actually asks if she’s upset DD then you should be honest, but it sounds like she lacks the self awareness to realise.

Unfortunately she’ll only have herself to blame when her relationship with DD becomes a bit strained.

bellac11 · 09/08/2022 19:22

She's very young. Perhaps her nan has a point

The problem is the narrative these days is that everyone must 'be themselves', the 'dont leave your personality at the door' mentality also invites that people will say things like this, her nan is just being who she is.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2022 19:24

user3346315 · 09/08/2022 19:17

My grandma had opinions when I got together with someone with a child. She made comments even years later and it really upset me as I wanted her to be happy for me. My mum mentioned it to her and she apologised and learnt to bite her tongue with her rude opinions.

We have proved her completely wrong and have a great life together. She now really likes DH.

The older generation can be very rude, opinionated and WRONG 😂

So can the younger generation...

I think the MiL should keep her opinions to herself

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2022 19:24

Do they live together?

Runwalkskijump · 09/08/2022 19:26

Debbiedoodah · 09/08/2022 19:21

Your MiL is probably right. Pretty gross that someone in their late 20s got together with someone only just out of school...and that you're ok with it

Must say, that probably has something to do with it.

toffeechai · 09/08/2022 19:26

My parents got together at those ages and they’re about to celebrate their 51st anniversary.

Original poster
Wisteriabloom · 09/08/2022 19:27

No, he's got his own flat, and dd still lives with us. They are looking for somewhere, though.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 09/08/2022 19:32

She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone!

Is there a reason she didn't fight her own corner at the time?

Runwalkskijump · 09/08/2022 19:33

Wisteriabloom · 09/08/2022 19:27

No, he's got his own flat, and dd still lives with us. They are looking for somewhere, though.

Why can't she move in with him?

Trulyweird1 · 09/08/2022 19:33

AussieMozzieMagnet · 09/08/2022 19:11

As the grandmother, she has the right to state her opinion. As an older woman she most likely see things younger ones don’t. If it didn’t hit close to home (which I’m thinking it did and that’s why you’re upset), just tell your daughter to brush it off.

I don’t agree that she is entitled to voice her opinion by virtue of being a grandmother, unless it is asked for.

Sorry, but that hit a real nerve with me. My MIL uses the phrase ‘ surely I get a say” whenever any family member tells us Important news - engagements, house moves, job changes etc.
No, you don’t . You get a say in your life, not any other adults.

Likewise , IF your MIL asks, then tell her she upset DD, but otherwise, just stay out of it,

SeemsSoUnfair · 09/08/2022 19:34

If your dd is old enough to have a wedding planned a 28 year old man in the near future she is old enough to stand up to her granny. If she isnt able to stand up to her granny, I would be really concerned about the dynamic in the relationship with her so young and him so much older.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/08/2022 19:35

Your MIL sounds like a toxic bastard. Utterly aggressive critical bullshit. Someone needs to step in and stop that kind of bullying if your DD doesn’t feel able to.