My Mother-In-Law really upset my daughter over the weekend. 😕

[Wisteriabloom]

Dh's parents stayed with us at the weekend, and while we had some nice times all together, MIL managed to really upset dd on Sunday. 🙁 For context -

Dd is 20, and got engaged to her boyfriend since Easter. He's 28, so a bit of an age gap, but they've been together about 18 months, very happy and we like him.

We see him quite a lot, whereas MIL only sees him every few months, as lives a distance away. It's obvious she's never taken to him, although he's always perfectly polite to her! These are some of the things she said to dd:

'You're just a kid, getting engaged means nothing these days! He's just as likely to meet someone else in Manchester (he's going on a week-long course with work soon), and that will be the end of it"!

'It won't last, you're two totally impractical people, I can't imagine you running a home together'. Now dd does have some issues practically - she's very academic, but we think she has Dyspraxia. For instance, she's really struggling with her driving lessons, and coincidentally he can't drive either, although it doesn't stop them travelling all over the country together!

She also said he's likely to walk all over her in years to come, as he's a stronger personality (in MIL's view anyway). He comes over v confident, but so is dd in her quiet way. She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone! He respects that, and is too nice a guy to be dominant, anyway!

Dd is so happy with him, they think the world of each other and MIL has totally put the dampener on everything. I'm fuming. Dh just shrugged and said it's just how she is, he said she was similar when we got together, and we've just celebrated our Silver Wedding anniversary! If she phones for a chat this week (I'm sure she will) I don't think I can hold back. She was out of order, massively! Dd said MIL obviously sees their relationship as 'nothing' whereas it's certainly not 'nothing' for either of them! Should I let MIL know she's upset dd?

To be honest I would personally have concerns with a 26 year old dating an 18 year old, so I do think her Grandma has a point there. I mean, had she even left school when they started dating?

I also think it is very unwise to plan to marry someone you have never lived with. Plus if you’re adult enough to get married you’re adult enough to talk to your Grandma rather than having a strop.

I think I'm generally on Mil's side. My dc are 21 and 19 and my heart would sink to the floor and further down if either of them announced they were getting married, or even worse having a baby.

I wouldn’t be bothering my arse to fight my corner about my love life to my granny either, her opinion is completely irrelevant. I’d certainly encourage my daughter to ignore my own extremely passremarkable MIL’s input on any such matters when she’s an adult.

Well, she’s very young. He’s a lot older. 18 months isn’t a long time, particularly if they haven’t lived together.

I’m with MIL and confused as to why you want to get an academically gifted young woman married off as soon as possible to an older man. It’s 2022, not 1925.

Just tell her chats are over. You don't want to complicate things if your relationship with dh doesn't work out!!
Is she married?

Congrats to them but the world now is very different to 51 years ago and anyway their experience is just not relevant.

There's having an opinion, and there's being downright fucking rude and insulting.

Whatever happened to tact, diplomacy and good manners, not to mention 'if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all'?

She sounds a bit blunt but frankly there's no way I'd be encouraging my 20yo DD to be getting married yet and I imagine that's where she's coming from.

I'd stay out of it.

If she's old enough to get engaged/move in with him/get married then she's old enough to fight her own battles.

If grandma upsets her with things she says then she has to say something to her herself.

Very optimistic to get engaged before living together. Are they religious?

As you say, you got the same crap from MIL when you two got together, I’m sure you dealt with it yourselves instead of asking for your mum to fight your corner.

I’d let it go. DD and boyfriend don’t need to spend time with MIL if she upsets them. If she’s contentious and intrusive by nature don’t give her ammunition. She won’t change her mind about this man and might make even more pointed comments.

Ooof she is young and 18 months isn’t a long time at that age. Me and my friends all had long term relationships in our late teens and early twenties and thank god we didn’t marry them! So I get why she’s concerned but I think the way she’s gone about it- putting them down- isn’t going to help anything.

Thanks for your replies, I'll answer a few questions -

She did attempt to stand up to her, as in 'You don't understand, he's not like that' etc, but MIL just dismissed her comments. 🤔 I said, twice to MIL 'it's dd's life, and she's happy'. She just shrugged. I didn't realise dd overheard what MIL said to me one evening though. She said how 'polite and clinical' they seemed with each other over Sunday lunch, and she can't believe they have strong feelings for each other! Well, they're both fairly introverted, they're hardly going to be all over each other in front of us!
I saw them recently, saying goodbye to each other at the train station and they certainly weren't being 'clinical"! 😉
They didn't see me, I ducked out of view. 😀

She does stay at his flat most weekends and one night in the week, but her friends are here, so she doesn't want to live there permanently. They're hoping to by a house, about mid-day between our village and the town he lives in.

Well, no need to invite Granny to the wedding, since she doesn’t support the relationship

I'm with your DH, I think you should just shrug it off. Really, what does it matter if your grandmother doesn't approve of a boyfriend. It's hardly the end of the world, or that unusual.

Also, looking at it from her point of view, maybe she's trying to protect your DD, because she loves her. After all a man in their late twenties going out with a teenage girl - which is what it would've been 18 months ago - is a bit eyebrow raising. I'd be suspicious, and protective in your MIL's shoes (although I think I'd be more circumspect with my views).

Granny hasn’t learnt to keep her own counsel then? If dd has sense she’ll go low contact with granny.

if granny had sense she’d keep her counsel and be prepared to be the shoulder to cry on if it does go wrong. Since when did anyone in love listen to words of caution anyway?

She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone!

Then there's nothing to fear from tactless MIL's comments. Encourage DD to stand up to her; help her think of some pointed responses.

"Heavens, Granny, I would never DREAM of commenting on your behaviour /generation/age/ life choices/ partner".

I'd have told her to piss off myself if I was your dd.

I had dc1 with dp when I was 21. Everyone one in our families were nothing but happy for us.

I would let it go - 20 is probably too young to get engaged realistically.

Another one concerned about a 26/27 year old dating an 18/19 year old. It’s not so much the 8 year age gap, it’s stage of life. He has his own flat, a job presumably and she still lives at home with you very much fulfilling the “child” role. If they were 30 and 38 it wouldn’t be an issue.

I imagine in a clumsy way your MIL was just trying to point out that your dd has potentially found herself in a very inappropriate relationship and that yes, at 20, most people are emotionally far too young to get married.

My grandma would have gone mad if I was dating someone 8 years older than me when I was a teen, let alone getting engaged to them less when I hit 20.

I would expect a grandparent to speak up if they have concerns, but as long as her main priority is your DDs happiness.

Or do you think she was just being nasty?

Wow. Your poor DC. I hope you wouldn't show it

im in agreement tbh - 20 is way too young to marry. Plus, why dont the girls his own age want him?

My grandma told me in no uncertain terms that she didn’t like my then fiancé - he was 7 years older. My mother said nothing.
When we eventually divorced, following a couple of years of his controlling abusive behaviour, my mother told me she’d never liked him but said nothing because I wouldn’t have listened. On my wedding day, I remember thinking I didn’t want to marry him but couldn’t back out so late in the day!

Very optimistic to get engaged before living together.

You can spend weekends & holidays together!

When we went to see the vicar about getting married he took my (now) husband's address & was astonished that mine wasn't the same😆

I really don't think older women (and I am one myself) should get a free pass to be rude to younger family members. They should be polite and respectful and set a good example of manners.