My Mother-In-Law really upset my daughter over the weekend. 😕

[Wisteriabloom]

Dh's parents stayed with us at the weekend, and while we had some nice times all together, MIL managed to really upset dd on Sunday. 🙁 For context -

Dd is 20, and got engaged to her boyfriend since Easter. He's 28, so a bit of an age gap, but they've been together about 18 months, very happy and we like him.

We see him quite a lot, whereas MIL only sees him every few months, as lives a distance away. It's obvious she's never taken to him, although he's always perfectly polite to her! These are some of the things she said to dd:

'You're just a kid, getting engaged means nothing these days! He's just as likely to meet someone else in Manchester (he's going on a week-long course with work soon), and that will be the end of it"!

'It won't last, you're two totally impractical people, I can't imagine you running a home together'. Now dd does have some issues practically - she's very academic, but we think she has Dyspraxia. For instance, she's really struggling with her driving lessons, and coincidentally he can't drive either, although it doesn't stop them travelling all over the country together!

She also said he's likely to walk all over her in years to come, as he's a stronger personality (in MIL's view anyway). He comes over v confident, but so is dd in her quiet way. She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone! He respects that, and is too nice a guy to be dominant, anyway!

Dd is so happy with him, they think the world of each other and MIL has totally put the dampener on everything. I'm fuming. Dh just shrugged and said it's just how she is, he said she was similar when we got together, and we've just celebrated our Silver Wedding anniversary! If she phones for a chat this week (I'm sure she will) I don't think I can hold back. She was out of order, massively! Dd said MIL obviously sees their relationship as 'nothing' whereas it's certainly not 'nothing' for either of them! Should I let MIL know she's upset dd?

Often when people do this the other person assumes they hit a nerve and the person on the receiving end changed the subject because they can’t face the truth.

Your Mil delivery was crap but she has a point, your daughter is very young to get tied down and to someone who's a lot older than her.

What are her plans work wise?

MIL needs to butt out. But as her mother I would be having a heart to heart and explaining 20 is really very young to be tying herself down. There's careers to think of, travelling to be done, and divorce is tricky. So maybe a long engagement would be best. But anyway. Ultimately up to her.

My MIL used to say things like this when I was living with my now wife and we were in our late twenties, it didn’t really bother me tbh because it was nonsense, we’re still together 7 years later. I think your MIL is definitely being rude, but I do question how mature your daughter is at 20, especially if she’s getting really upset by these comments, could it be because part of her thinks she may have a point?

Everyone said my parents wouldn’t last. They were different religions in a divided country, my mum was 6 years younger, dad was brought up by nuns, mums family were very ‘proper’

They’ve been married over 55 years, and are very happy

Some people are desperate to have an opinion on things that are of no concern of theirs. They can’t predict the future any more than you or your daughter can. Your daughter and her boyfriend will be able to run a household perfectly well when the time comes. My eldest is dyspraxic, and lives alone. She manages. It might not be how I manage my home but I’m pretty sure my mum said the same about mine when I first moved out. You learn a lot with experience.

No one thinks a 58 year old man with a 50 year old wife is weird. OP's DD is 20, not 13.

I would be making clear to MiL that its not her circus and that you won't be discussing it with her. I'd be saying the same to your daughter (not MiL's circus) and encouraging her to firmly change the subject if it happens again. Defending him will just continue the disagreement. If she wants to retort, she could say "thanks for telling me that's one less to invite to the wedding" and say it with a HUGE smile. I was engaged at 20 married at 21 to the love of my life so I don't think that 20 is necessarily too young. I do think that making comments about their public brhaviour is just plain rude.

20, shy, still lives with mum, 18 month relationship?

I'm #TeamMIL

I'd be devastated if my just out of teenager, who still lived at home, was engaged! of all things to a man of almost 30.

But they're not 50. A shy 20 year old is basically a child these days.

I don’t want to agree with your mil but sometimes it’s refreshing to have a different view, there will always be someone with something to say but personally I think she has a point and no harm in someone looking at things differently. She obv needs some tact but I would not get too sucked in in case you miss some red flags down the line. Why not just say to your mil well we can’t tell her what to do, we just have to be there if the shit does hit the fan then I’m sure she will shut up. In my culture girls are encouraged to marry young and preferably without any financial independence so of course my views are going to be biased based on my own experience but best to keep an open mind, I feel like there is a slight power imbalance there but like I said she could be more polite about it so not to upset your dd.

Her opinions are her own, and not altogether unreasonable really as your dd is v young’s bd the engagement is relatively quick and has come before living together, but it sounds as though she was tactless and rude in feeling the need to rain on your daughter’s parade. I can understand you feeling like you want to bowl in and stand up for your daughter, but she is an adult. If your mother in law asks you directly, then say your piece but otherwise I would leave it up to DD to sort as she sees fit.

Your MIL shouldn't have said anything but I understand why she would be concerned. Getting engaged so young after only dating for 18 months is immature. 8 years is a massive age difference at that age. I'd be encouraging her not to get engaged or to think about buying a flat with him.

I married the lad I started dating when I was 18 and we are still happily married 35 years later. We waited a while before getting married or having kids.

You daughter hasn't even lived with him.

The right to state her opinion because she's her grandmother? How about just not trying to ruin her own granddaughters happiness? Just because she had an opinion, she doesn't have to say it and no, she doesn't have the 'right'.

Devastated? Really?

My mum was devastated when I got diagnosed with RA at 16, not because of how I decided to live my life as an adult

Yes, MIL is married, has been with dh's dad for over 50 years. I can't imagine them, though, out for a romantic meal/holding hands running through a festival field etc, even when they were younger, although I expect they did! 😀
Obviously these are the stages dd & partner are at, right now. MIL is a good person, extremely 'practical' though, which is a good thing, but to the extent she rolls her eyes at anything remotely to do with romance!! She's more 'What needs doing/sorting out and how quick it can be done, then on to the next thing', if you get my drift. No time for frivolities!!

Yes, dd had left school & college when they first met, she started work at the same company as dh at 17. They didn't come across each other for a while though, it"s a huge company and they're in different departments.

Don't be ridiculous. 20 and 28.

I don’t think it’s wrong to give someone your opinion if it’s given from a good place. Your mil clearly thinks your dd is too young, and is concerned it’s something she might regret. I give my adult dd my opinion often if I feel she might need a bit of perspective on something. Sometimes she listens, and sometimes she doesn’t. You can give your opinion and the person can take it or ignore it.

Are they planning to buy a house before or after the wedding?

Has your DD had any other proper boyfriends or is he her first big relationship? Why does she want to get married so young? She's bright and has her life before her. He might be looking to settle down as he heads to his 30's but your DD should be experiencing life, study. travel, fun!

But why do you think your mil is wrong? Why are you encouraging this unusual relationship? Because I'm the age I am and the age my friends and cousins are I probably know about 100 young people in the 18 to 21 age group. None of them are planning to get married. Your dd is in a weird tiny group and you really could encourage her to bust out of it.

20 and 28 now. Very much "late 20s and just out of school" when they got together.

I think MIL has a point.

Why can't she do that with her partner?

I wouldn’t be at all happy at any of my children being engaged at 20 😳

Maybe MIL is the same

anyway she needs telt. She sounds horrible and it’s not her business