My Mother-In-Law really upset my daughter over the weekend. 😕

[Wisteriabloom]

Dh's parents stayed with us at the weekend, and while we had some nice times all together, MIL managed to really upset dd on Sunday. 🙁 For context -

Dd is 20, and got engaged to her boyfriend since Easter. He's 28, so a bit of an age gap, but they've been together about 18 months, very happy and we like him.

We see him quite a lot, whereas MIL only sees him every few months, as lives a distance away. It's obvious she's never taken to him, although he's always perfectly polite to her! These are some of the things she said to dd:

'You're just a kid, getting engaged means nothing these days! He's just as likely to meet someone else in Manchester (he's going on a week-long course with work soon), and that will be the end of it"!

'It won't last, you're two totally impractical people, I can't imagine you running a home together'. Now dd does have some issues practically - she's very academic, but we think she has Dyspraxia. For instance, she's really struggling with her driving lessons, and coincidentally he can't drive either, although it doesn't stop them travelling all over the country together!

She also said he's likely to walk all over her in years to come, as he's a stronger personality (in MIL's view anyway). He comes over v confident, but so is dd in her quiet way. She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone! He respects that, and is too nice a guy to be dominant, anyway!

Dd is so happy with him, they think the world of each other and MIL has totally put the dampener on everything. I'm fuming. Dh just shrugged and said it's just how she is, he said she was similar when we got together, and we've just celebrated our Silver Wedding anniversary! If she phones for a chat this week (I'm sure she will) I don't think I can hold back. She was out of order, massively! Dd said MIL obviously sees their relationship as 'nothing' whereas it's certainly not 'nothing' for either of them! Should I let MIL know she's upset dd?

*sorry, friend's mum

Sorry OP, I am not sure this justifies it.

Also why even announce an engagement or talk about it if it's not going to happen any time soon? In two years she may have done her course, moved on to a new job and fancied lots of other people. Decided to travel etc.

It shows what an old-fashioned view of engagement/marriage older people have as the first thing her friend's mum said, was 'Will Pete (not his real name) let you do that?! It's all different once you're married, you know'!

Huh? That's something my grandmother wouldn't have asked me and I'm old enough to be your DD's mum.

I feel like you all live in some Amish community... married off young and totally out of date.

Her friend's mum who asked this question about the course is nearly 60, she had her dd (also 20) later than me and the majority of mum's.

It annoyed me, as it's a very 'dated' view to have, at only 60! 😲 Marriage isn't like that now!

I agree you need to set boundaries and I think your husband needs to tell her to keep her opinions to herself

No, it's important for your dd to hear another point of view. They sound very happy together and having someone looking at their relationship from a different perspective will mean your dd will have the chance to question how strong they are.
If mil was seeing dd every day and trying to dampen everything, different matter but a brief moan every so often will just strengthen the bond between dd and fiance.

I don't think DDs relationship is any of MILs business.

I got engaged at 20, married at 21. Still happily married 20 years later. I had a delightful friend who told me we’d be divorced before I was 25. She married at 35 - which apparently was a more sensible and informed age - and is just about to get divorced.

Amazingly, everyone is different and actually age doesn’t make the difference, the person and life experience does.

You and your daughter doesn’t know what the future holds, but if she’s happy, go with that. Life has a habit of doing it’s own thing, whatever you think you can control.

I’d probably encourage DD to roll her eyes and step back and focus instead on her own laugh, which I hope will be lovely x

The grandmother may have concerns and she might or might not be right to. But this...

You're just a kid, getting engaged means nothing these days! He's just as likely to meet someone else in Manchester and that will be the end of it"!

'It won't last, you're two totally impractical people, I can't imagine you running a home together'.

She also said he's likely to walk all over her in years to come, as he's a stronger personality (in MIL's view anyway).

...isn't the way to express them. Talk to her DGD properly and listen to what DGD has to say. That way DGM might be listened to. But dogmatic and derogatory proclamations? All that will do is make DD even more determined to go ahead.

AmISpeakingAnotherLanguage That's nice but somewhere around 60-70% of people who marry at that age divorce in the next 10 years. The rate falls significantly as age at marriage rises. So it's pretty clear that age does have a big impact on marriage success.

Of course age matters!

How old was your DD when she got together with him? I have to say I’d have concerns about the age gap myself.

Why is he trying to lock such a young girl into an engagement so quickly? Red flags to me

She sounds very toxic and maybe your daughter is right to just ignore her as maybe the dreadful mil wants a reaction so say nothing. If she says anything again your daughter should tell her to just stop end of and not to go into detail as that will just feed the troll. Is she a bitter old woman who hates to see others happy. She wants a drama so do not give her one.

He’s had his fun and is now snapping up someone nearly a decade younger. There are undoubtedly power dynamics that you’re not seeing. Why don’t the women his age want him? 26/27 vs 18/19 is hugeeee

i don’t think you can even say she’s mature for her age. She’s still living like a teen. Still at home, leaves school to work at her dad’s company, engaged to the first bloke she meets who knows exactly what he’s doing.

I would be bitterly disappointed that she isn’t spreading her wings a bit more. Thank god your MIL is saying something- someone bloody has to.

your DD meeting a ‘nice guy’ so young and getting ready to set up house literally shouldn’t be so celebrated.

Him proposing to her when the wedding is apparently years out is him locking her down, particularly when he will be travelling for training courses!

romantic this ain’t

Why on earth didn't you or your dd/dh say something at the time?

If that was my dm I'd straight off the bat say something like "that's extremely rude and no one actually asked your opinion"! But my dm would never be so rude anyway.

She sounds like the sort of person who ‘says it like it is’ but wouldn’t be able to take the taste of her own medicine if criticism were levelled at her.
I’d keep her at arm’s length.

For someone of only 20 with little life experience, they haven't been together very long to get engaged.
And if they only see MIL every few months, the latter has presumably only met the new fiancé a handful of times - you may knew him well, but it's understandable if it's a surprise to her that the relationship has got as serious as it has so quickly.

All the best op

Eek, I think you sound a bit naive, OP.

All the emoji excitement over hiding watching them say their goodbyes. You’re her mum, not her bff.

Amazingly, everyone is different and actually age doesn’t make the difference, the person and life experience does.

OP's DD has neither.

As always on MIL threads, there is a lot of projecting here I suspect, with posters thinking of their own MILs and what they would like to say to them!

I got married for the first time at 20 and I was far too young and immature to realise how unsuitable my husband was (an abusive bastard). The marriage lasted a year. How I wish I'd had a grandma like your daughter's OP to give me a talking to and some sensible advice and guidance.

To the poster who assumed dd had got herself a job in her dad's company, that's totally wrong! None of our family work for that company in fact we don't know anyone who does, other than dd & her partner! No, dd spotted this job advert, applied and went for the interview herself. 👍

And yes, the comment dd found the most hurtful from her nan, was the one about him going on the course, meeting someone else and that will be the end of it!

Dd was in tears later, feeling that not only does her nan want him to leave her for someone else, she couldn't care less how upset dd would be in those circumstances! As she said, it's as if her nan sees her as 'just nothing'. 🙁

OP I think this was the confusing bit Yes, dd had left school & college when they first met, she started work at the same company as dh at 17

I think you and DD are taking what MIL said totally the wrong way and being way too emotional. Hardly sounds like MIL "wants" this to happen or see her as "nothing". Sounds to me like she is worried.

I would agree with your MIL on this one, getting engaged at 20 is completely ridiculous.