My Mother-In-Law really upset my daughter over the weekend. 😕

[Wisteriabloom]

Dh's parents stayed with us at the weekend, and while we had some nice times all together, MIL managed to really upset dd on Sunday. 🙁 For context -

Dd is 20, and got engaged to her boyfriend since Easter. He's 28, so a bit of an age gap, but they've been together about 18 months, very happy and we like him.

We see him quite a lot, whereas MIL only sees him every few months, as lives a distance away. It's obvious she's never taken to him, although he's always perfectly polite to her! These are some of the things she said to dd:

'You're just a kid, getting engaged means nothing these days! He's just as likely to meet someone else in Manchester (he's going on a week-long course with work soon), and that will be the end of it"!

'It won't last, you're two totally impractical people, I can't imagine you running a home together'. Now dd does have some issues practically - she's very academic, but we think she has Dyspraxia. For instance, she's really struggling with her driving lessons, and coincidentally he can't drive either, although it doesn't stop them travelling all over the country together!

She also said he's likely to walk all over her in years to come, as he's a stronger personality (in MIL's view anyway). He comes over v confident, but so is dd in her quiet way. She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone! He respects that, and is too nice a guy to be dominant, anyway!

Dd is so happy with him, they think the world of each other and MIL has totally put the dampener on everything. I'm fuming. Dh just shrugged and said it's just how she is, he said she was similar when we got together, and we've just celebrated our Silver Wedding anniversary! If she phones for a chat this week (I'm sure she will) I don't think I can hold back. She was out of order, massively! Dd said MIL obviously sees their relationship as 'nothing' whereas it's certainly not 'nothing' for either of them! Should I let MIL know she's upset dd?

When they got together she'd just turned 19 and he was 27

That's really grim.

I agree

Mil was rude, but in most circumstances I wouldn't be happy if my 20yr old was engaged.

I find it slightly odd that he has his own flat but your DD wants to stay near her friends so still lives with you. In the first flush of romance I wanted to spend as much time as possible with a partner. I know a few friends who got engaged before living together, none made it as far as marriage.

If your DD is in 2 minds about it then she probably shouldn't be engaged?

She's not in two minds about it, she stays there most weekends, one or two nights in the week and he's often here in between.

@Wisteriabloom, I would certainly say something as a mother, BUT your daughter is 20 years old! She has to develop a backbone! This awful mother in law won't be the last person she will encounter that will be rude, immature or downright awful! She needs to learn quick comebacks and she needs to learn that people's opinion of her life don't change her life! Tell your daughter that her grandmother has a personality disorder, which is what it sounds like, and that her grandmother's issues are nothing she should internalize! Also, be careful about how you talk about your daughter's abilities or what you view as disabilities! I once had a world-renowned physicist stand in front of a microwave confused about what to do. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he didn't know how to work a microwave. I thought he was joking, but he was serious! This guy has made millions, is very well known, has a Ph.D., but didn't know how to work a common microwave. I pressed it open for him and showed him how it worked and he told me that he didn't do anything in the kitchen at home. His wife handled all of that for him and he always typically ate out at lunch! LMAO! So just because it has taken her longer to figure out driving doesn't mean ANYTHING! She's 20! She'll be fine! Don't put her down or make it seem like there are things she can't do! You never know what is possible for someone else!

From the tone actually I even wonder if this is really the mum posting and not the dd. There's something amiss.

There's definitely something amiss. The relationship seems very mother:daughter rather than adult:adult but no acknowledgement that this probably means the DD is massively too young.

She's found a warm, safe nest with him after her warm, safe nest with parents. No travelling, university, living with friends, living on her own, moving anything. That's not good.

Urgh. Imagine being a 27 year old hanging out at your partner's parents house half the week that they still haven't moved out of

Your dd is very young to be engaged, there is a significant age difference and they haven't been together very long.
Although grandma may not have been diplomatic and I understand her concerns which seem valid.

I really wouldn't want this for my dd.