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Original poster

My Mother-In-Law really upset my daughter over the weekend. 😕

160 replies

Wisteriabloom · 09/08/2022 19:06

Dh's parents stayed with us at the weekend, and while we had some nice times all together, MIL managed to really upset dd on Sunday. 🙁 For context -

Dd is 20, and got engaged to her boyfriend since Easter. He's 28, so a bit of an age gap, but they've been together about 18 months, very happy and we like him.

We see him quite a lot, whereas MIL only sees him every few months, as lives a distance away. It's obvious she's never taken to him, although he's always perfectly polite to her! These are some of the things she said to dd:

'You're just a kid, getting engaged means nothing these days! He's just as likely to meet someone else in Manchester (he's going on a week-long course with work soon), and that will be the end of it"!

'It won't last, you're two totally impractical people, I can't imagine you running a home together'. Now dd does have some issues practically - she's very academic, but we think she has Dyspraxia. For instance, she's really struggling with her driving lessons, and coincidentally he can't drive either, although it doesn't stop them travelling all over the country together!

She also said he's likely to walk all over her in years to come, as he's a stronger personality (in MIL's view anyway). He comes over v confident, but so is dd in her quiet way. She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone! He respects that, and is too nice a guy to be dominant, anyway!

Dd is so happy with him, they think the world of each other and MIL has totally put the dampener on everything. I'm fuming. Dh just shrugged and said it's just how she is, he said she was similar when we got together, and we've just celebrated our Silver Wedding anniversary! If she phones for a chat this week (I'm sure she will) I don't think I can hold back. She was out of order, massively! Dd said MIL obviously sees their relationship as 'nothing' whereas it's certainly not 'nothing' for either of them! Should I let MIL know she's upset dd?

OP posts:
TwoCoffeesPlease · 09/08/2022 20:35

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/08/2022 20:28

Don't be ridiculous. 20 and 28.

Show quote history

Not ridiculous. When they got together they would have been 18/19 and 26/27.

Passtherioja · 09/08/2022 20:36

As it's your husband's mum that's causing the issue what does he think of what's been said?

clickychicky · 09/08/2022 20:36

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2022 20:17

20, shy, still lives with mum, 18 month relationship?

I'm #TeamMIL

I too think she needs to move out for a bit first. Live a bit.

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Families
onemorerose · 09/08/2022 20:37

How can you be happy your daughter is engaged to marry a much older man when she is so young and they have only been together 18 months? I think the mil is the only one with any sense in this scenario albeit lacking tact in the way she expressed herself.

Bananarama21 · 09/08/2022 20:39

Tbh she's not wrong 20 is very young to be engaged especially considering he's 8 years older. It's not something I'd want my dd doing I'd want her to travel around the world, enjoy life without being tied to a partner ans a commitment like marriage especially after only 18months. Hrs got 8 years more life experience shes in her early adulthood.

FatBettyintheCoop · 09/08/2022 20:40

I’m not surprised your MIL said something because it’s hardly a good thing for most women to get engaged at such a young age. They tend to lose out in terms of career progression and personal development as they end up playing second fiddle to a man.

In your shoes, I’d leave it be and let DD deal with granny.

AllAboutHarry · 09/08/2022 20:46

She may have been thoughtless in speaking out loud, but she may be speaking from experience (perhaps regret?). I married my teenage sweetheart and when it ended badly it was the older generations who told me that I did the right thing to get out when I did, I suppose they may not have had the option.

IrisVersicolor · 09/08/2022 20:57

I think she has a point. And DD can deal with it herself if she’s mature enough to be getting married.

TrashPandas · 09/08/2022 21:05

She's absolutely right to raise concerns, and I say that as somebody who married at 21. If your daughter is old enough to get married, she's old enough to deal with criticism from people who love her.

Ncfreely · 09/08/2022 21:05

I’m also team MIL. The age gap is a bit much, she’s only 20 so assuming they got together when she was 18 and he was 26? That’s a big gap and power imbalance. She’s 20 and has the whole rest of her life ahead of her, plus she won’t have fully emotionally matured yet. I’m sure there are many people who will say they did it and it was fine but that’s beside the point. Sorry OP but I can see where MIL coming from, blunt delivery or not.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/08/2022 21:09

Well 20 is madness 🤷‍♀️

I have a 24 year old, way too young to be getting married etc

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 09/08/2022 21:10

LaurieFairyCake · 09/08/2022 21:09

Well 20 is madness 🤷‍♀️

I have a 24 year old, way too young to be getting married etc

It isn't though

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 09/08/2022 21:11

She has a point though doesn’t she? There was no way I was ready to get married aged 20.

butterflied · 09/08/2022 21:14

Grandmother has a good point. In any case, if your daughter is old and mature enough to get married, she should be standing up for herself, and you should not get involved.

FuncaMunca · 09/08/2022 21:15

Personally I don't think the age gap is an issue but I do feel that 20 is way too young to get married. That's insane. However my opinion is irrelevant. And so is everyone else's. Other than the couple in question. So that's it really

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 09/08/2022 21:17

Engaged doesn't mean they're going to run down the aisle at the next opportunity. I've been engaged for 11 years in September 🤣 Still no plans to actually tie the knot!

Fushiadreams · 09/08/2022 21:21

I think your daughter is an adult and it’s her place to deal with any comments she doesn’t like. Stop treating her like a child.

as for your mil. I suspect she’s got a point.

Mischance · 09/08/2022 21:29

I you are there when MIL says these things then it is reasonable for you to state your opinion of her doing so. If she says these things directly to DD, then you can discuss with DD and if appropriate think together how best to respond.

UneFoisAuChalet · 09/08/2022 21:31

The 8 year age gap is massive at that age!

Why do you want your 20 year old child married off so early OP? This isn’t 1960. It’s as if you’re proud that she’s settled for the first boy she’s dated as an ‘adult’. I feel this is about you not your daughter.

There is absolutely no reason why someone that young should be married. Well, according to me 🤷‍♀️ Personally, I wouldn’t even entertain it. I think of 20 year old me and I literally cringe. Thank go nothing I did or wore or shagged was permanent.

Original poster
Wisteriabloom · 09/08/2022 21:32

They definitely want to buy a house before they get married, and they're not rushing into a wedding. They've said themselves the wedding isn't likely to be for at least 2 years!

In terms of career, she's doing well. She's in an admin role at the moment but has been offered a place on a course, which would help her promotion prospects.

It shows what an old-fashioned view of engagement/marriage older people have as the first thing her friend's mum said, was 'Will Pete (not his real name) let you do that?! It's all different once you're married, you know'!

As dd pointed out, SHE'S in two minds about it, wondering if it's beyond what she's capable of, whereas HE's doing his best to persuade her! He wouldn't dream of telling her not to do something, he's not that sort of bloke!

OP posts:
Arewerelated · 09/08/2022 21:42

She sounds like she's looking out for her granddaughter. I would stay out of it

berksandbeyond · 09/08/2022 21:49

Sounds like MIL was very rude but I wouldn't be happy about my 20 year old marrying a 28 year old man she'd only been with for 18 months. What's the rush?

Bubbleguppette · 09/08/2022 21:54

I think MIL spoke from a place of concern. Your DD is very young. I was glad to see from your update that it's going to be a couple of years yet before they marry, and I'm just a randomer on MN!

bellac11 · 09/08/2022 21:58

Wisteriabloom · 09/08/2022 21:32

They definitely want to buy a house before they get married, and they're not rushing into a wedding. They've said themselves the wedding isn't likely to be for at least 2 years!

In terms of career, she's doing well. She's in an admin role at the moment but has been offered a place on a course, which would help her promotion prospects.

It shows what an old-fashioned view of engagement/marriage older people have as the first thing her friend's mum said, was 'Will Pete (not his real name) let you do that?! It's all different once you're married, you know'!

As dd pointed out, SHE'S in two minds about it, wondering if it's beyond what she's capable of, whereas HE's doing his best to persuade her! He wouldn't dream of telling her not to do something, he's not that sort of bloke!

Her friends mum asked this question?

Her friend I assume is also 20 ish

So the friends mum would be between 40 and 60?

And she's asking whether her future husband would 'allow' her to go on a training course for work?

What sort of circles do you and your daughter hang around in for goodness sakes, Ive never heard anything like that and Im old enough to be your daughters mum too.

butterflied · 09/08/2022 21:59

MIL isn't wrong that some men change after marriage. All you have to do is read this forum to see that.

At least your daughter isn't rushing. That's something.