My Mother-In-Law really upset my daughter over the weekend. 😕

[Wisteriabloom]

Dh's parents stayed with us at the weekend, and while we had some nice times all together, MIL managed to really upset dd on Sunday. 🙁 For context -

Dd is 20, and got engaged to her boyfriend since Easter. He's 28, so a bit of an age gap, but they've been together about 18 months, very happy and we like him.

We see him quite a lot, whereas MIL only sees him every few months, as lives a distance away. It's obvious she's never taken to him, although he's always perfectly polite to her! These are some of the things she said to dd:

'You're just a kid, getting engaged means nothing these days! He's just as likely to meet someone else in Manchester (he's going on a week-long course with work soon), and that will be the end of it"!

'It won't last, you're two totally impractical people, I can't imagine you running a home together'. Now dd does have some issues practically - she's very academic, but we think she has Dyspraxia. For instance, she's really struggling with her driving lessons, and coincidentally he can't drive either, although it doesn't stop them travelling all over the country together!

She also said he's likely to walk all over her in years to come, as he's a stronger personality (in MIL's view anyway). He comes over v confident, but so is dd in her quiet way. She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone! He respects that, and is too nice a guy to be dominant, anyway!

Dd is so happy with him, they think the world of each other and MIL has totally put the dampener on everything. I'm fuming. Dh just shrugged and said it's just how she is, he said she was similar when we got together, and we've just celebrated our Silver Wedding anniversary! If she phones for a chat this week (I'm sure she will) I don't think I can hold back. She was out of order, massively! Dd said MIL obviously sees their relationship as 'nothing' whereas it's certainly not 'nothing' for either of them! Should I let MIL know she's upset dd?

Sorry Nc, I meant to say 'DP', as in her partner, definitely not my dh!

It was the dismissive, throw-away, 'and that would be the end of it all' that upset dd, as if no feelings would be involved. 🤔

I didn’t assume their was nepotism at play. I just meant the same company her dad works at. For a twenty year old, she has absolute minimal life experience if she is still living at home, working in the same place members of her family do and engaged to the first bloke at the same workplace who makes a big gesture.

her world is absolutely tiny- another reason why her getting married to a bloke who has actually had a life and is sniffing around teens the moment he realises he wants a sure thing wife is an absolutely terrible idea

I doubt they will get married though. I’d be very wary of what seems to be your quite shy and sensitive dd being kept on simmer as he continues to live his life in his own flat whilst she still lives in her childhood bedroom

Meh. I agree with most of what MIL said.

Engaged at 20 after meeting when she was what...18? Perfect age to mould her into what he wants and she sounds passive enough not to know any different 🤷‍♀️

Mil sounds like an old witch. I'd give her hell.

You say she has an “inner strength” in your OP, but that totally conflicts with the degree of her upset over MIL’s comments and things like her being reluctant to go on a promotion course because (despite being academic) she’s unsure if she’s capable. That doesn’t sound like a mature and confident woman, it sounds like your average 20 year old who’s never left home and, like Suprima says, quickly got engaged to the first fella who showed serious interest. If she were my DD I would be worried she’ll wake up one day and think “where the fuck did my twenties go?”. Her DP might be very nice but you do have to wonder about what exactly attracts a man in his late twenties to a teenager literally just out of school.

If your DD has the courage of her convictions and believes her and her DP are the real deal then it’s up to her to either chalk it up to Granny having different views and leave it, or have it out with her herself. You going in all guns blazing only reenforces your MIL’s opinion that DD is a child who needs protected rather than an adult who should have her choices respected.

Seperately I would be cooler when discussing her partner and not get too excited about wedding plans or them buying a house together. She’ll need support if she does go ahead with those things, but given her apparent lack of self confidence she’ll also need to feel sure her family have her back if she does have doubts.

Being an adult or not, it is hard to stand up to your grandmother! I would say something-it doesn’t have to be aggressive or cause a big fallout. Perhaps just say that your dd is hurt by what she says about her fiancé and to stop. It can be said casually over dinner amongst other divisions such as holidays, but be firm.

A 26 year old man dating an 18 year old? Gross and pathetic. Seems to me that grandma is the only one with any sense.

Team MIL

All your posts talk about her like she is very young. Happy she found herself a job, sad she was tearful. All very young stuff. Yet you seem unable to understand why her nan thinks she should live a little.

And the silliest thing is an engagement longer than the relationship! Why not just date a bit longer?

This. If she can’t deal with this herself perhaps your MIL has a point.

Also, your DD sounds like my sister who was a magnet for older men. She dated three men in a row that were 8-12 years older than her from when she was 18. She was engaged to one and lived with another. My parents said nothing and let her figure out for herself that these people weren’t right for her….

It creeped me out that she was dating a 26 year old when she was 18 and a 32 year old when she was 20. As it turns out she was more mature than them anyway!!

ANYBODY at ANY age BUYING a property with a partner they haven't even lived with is an idiot!

And I have said as much on other threads.

She is a shy, still living with parents 20 year old who hasn't even been to uni, she has NOWHERE NEAR enough life experience to make these decisions and quite honestly as the parents you should be talking to her about that,

I drummed into my own dd not to settle down young, to try all kinds of different jobs, go to uni, travel, have fun and live free while she's young and has no ties.

Why was he interested in a shy lass barely out of school? That would ring alarm bells for me. There WILL be a power imbalance in this relationship and you don't seem to be remotely wary!

Even if he isn't nefarious in any way, chances are this relationship won't lash with them both being so young, so inexperienced and quite honestly immature.

Maybe mil was worried because dds parents seem to be so blasé about it all and she feels nobody is sensibly looking out for dd?

Why are you so keen for dd to not have a full and wide life?

I shudder at the thought of where dd will be in 10, 20 years if she IS trapped in an imbalanced relationship but thinks even her own family "love" her by now dh?

From the tone actually I even wonder if this is really the mum posting and not the dd. There's something amiss.

I got married at 22 a year older than my dd is now - insane! I now see it was way too young and very much regret it. Look at the stats on young marriage maybe? Certainly the divorce rates are highest in those who marry under 25

As for your odd belief that "Marriage isn't like that now!"? Go look at the relationships board!!

@AmISpeakingAnotherLanguage 2 examples don't buck the stats at all.

Your job as dds parent ISN'T to blindly support her it's to ensure she has the sense and maturity to make good choices, you don't do that by accepting a nearly 30 year old sniffing around your 18 year old
Dd with very little life experience

I don’t understand how people think Mil can just be a raging bitch to your dd and that’s ok.

You talk about DD as if she is a child needing protecting from upsetting opinions - that isn't someone mature enough to commit to a life time with someone else, especially with that age gap at her age. Maybe MiL has a point, if not expressed diplomatically.

You dismiss the experience of older women as unimportant and assume it comes from some Victorian values. They are from the generation of second wave feminism. They may have also watched a lot more relationships rise and fail than you have.

Asking "would Pete allow that" isn't automatically an assumption that Pete should have approval. A 28 year old marrying a 20 year old is unusual and its more likely to come from hard experience of watching the dynamic of men marrying younger women when the women are still young.

How many previous serious relationships has she had? Why can't they just keep dating and not lock themselves into a marriage path yet? Especially if there is no prospect of marriage within a year or two.

She’s probably right though

She could probably put things a bit more tactfully and sensitively but 20 is very young to be engaged nowadays. And 8 years is a big gap at that age.
I do agree with her sentiments, just not the way she's expressing them. But she's probably worried.

She doesn’t seem that confident if she isn’t sure she is capable of doing that course.

Is there a reason she didn’t go to university if she is academic?

We realise she's young, and yes it's a big age gap. When she first went out with him (before dh & I met him) we had several conversations with her about the age gap, and how comfortable she felt. The same as when he proposed, we made sure she wasn't feeling pressured and it was genuinely what she wanted. (In all these conversations, we did it sensitively, as in respecting her feelings, unlike MIL)!

When they got together she'd just turned 19 and he was 27, she's now 20, will be 21 in December. He'll turn 29 in Feb. She's only had one boyfriend before him, he was her age (met at college) lasted about 6 months.

I I suppose we're used to him being around,, have grown to like him and the age gap doesn't seem a big thing. It's different with MIL, I realise!

It's difference in life experience that would worry me. He's ready to settle down having had his fun. She hasn't had a chance to find out who she is yet.

I vowed I would live by myself before settling down with anyone. Your DD doesn’t seemed to have lived at all

She's got an 'inner strength', her own views and won't be bossed around by anyone!

Yet, supposedly she is upset about what was said and was indeed bossed around by her grandmother? No idea why you need to get involved? If she is mature enough to get engaged/married she is able to control the situation if she wants to like a big girl.

I think I agree with your MIL, although I don't think she's gone about it in the best way. Maybe she feels she can't be more direct without sounding like she's interfering, which is probably true. But the age gap is way too big at the age they got together, she hasn't lived much of a life on her own yet. He's at a different life stage than she's ready for, quite frankly.

There's not much you can do about it as it's a bit late to bring it up now after you've been encouraging their relationship for so long; but I would be angling for her to consider a long engagement, at least 4 or 5 years; and I would be helping her to get herself her own place where she can try her hand at living independently, like he already has. She needs at least a year or two to establish who she is without living in her parents' or her partner's pockets.

It's hard enough to set boundaries in a relationship as a fully formed adult who's done all of that, it will be much more difficult for someone who isn't that old and hasn't done any of that.

I would be we encouraging her to go off and travel or live abroad with friends for a year. If she still wants to be with him when she comes back, fair enough. But it will test the relationship and give her a chance to realise all the opportunities for young people out there.

Agree with the MIL. She seems to be the only one in this scenario with any sense, she can see the red flags the rest of you are blindly ignoring.

Oh the irony.

Good manners does not equate a potty mouth.