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Original poster

Mum upset about visiting when baby is born

171 replies

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 19:57

I’m due baby no2 in 3 weeks. After I had my first son we we’re bombarded with visitors at the hospital the morning after around 13 family member turned up in total even the midwife had to come over and say some of you will have to leave. It also caused arguments between both families so this time I don’t want anyone at the hospital. My in laws have already said that they will visit when we are ready. I had the conversation with my mother today and told her we don’t want visitors as soon as we’re home and just want a day to settle in as a little family and have our special time. My mother got quite annoyed about it. She started saying things like we don’t want want her to see the baby and said well that’s fine I won’t come and visit him at all then. Also said she’s never heard of anyone not wanting visitors straight away and we’re the only ones and it’s silly. She’s said being bombarded with visitors straight after is usually what happens and can’t understand why we don’t want that. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 03/08/2022 20:01

Ignore her

forlornlorna1 · 03/08/2022 20:01

Stick to your guns she's being ridiculous. I'd never impose myself on my daughters like that. My eldest had her last two babies and I gave her a few days to settle and visited when she was ready. Other dd wanted me there straight away to help (first baby). She should respect your wishes

Discovereads · 03/08/2022 20:02

No YANBU at all. I had the traditional babymoon as in no visitors for the first moon (28 days/4weeks) after birth.

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Therealpink · 03/08/2022 20:04

It’s up to you but I couldn’t imagine not letting my parents and DHs parents meet our new babies the first possible opportunity. Whatever about random aunts, uncles and neighbours. So from my perspective I think you’re being very precious and can understand your parents hurt. I

Original poster
Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 20:07

She’s making me doubt myself and having me feel guilty. Especially saying you must be the only people I know to not want visitors right away. I didn’t think she would react so badly. She even went as far as saying she’s going to move to France and then none of us will see her, I mean think that was a bit over the top 😃

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 03/08/2022 20:08

F*xking hell. My mum has always said that first time together is all important. She waits until she is sure she's welcome and nanna time is needed. Other family members fit in in a relaxed kind of way over a good year or so pp.

I'd be tempted to reply to 'then I'll NEVER visit' with 'oh, ok'.

It's a bit Violet Elizabeth Bott isn't it?

MamaH2022 · 03/08/2022 20:08

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 19:57

I’m due baby no2 in 3 weeks. After I had my first son we we’re bombarded with visitors at the hospital the morning after around 13 family member turned up in total even the midwife had to come over and say some of you will have to leave. It also caused arguments between both families so this time I don’t want anyone at the hospital. My in laws have already said that they will visit when we are ready. I had the conversation with my mother today and told her we don’t want visitors as soon as we’re home and just want a day to settle in as a little family and have our special time. My mother got quite annoyed about it. She started saying things like we don’t want want her to see the baby and said well that’s fine I won’t come and visit him at all then. Also said she’s never heard of anyone not wanting visitors straight away and we’re the only ones and it’s silly. She’s said being bombarded with visitors straight after is usually what happens and can’t understand why we don’t want that. Am I being unreasonable?

I got out the hospital Sunday, didn't have my mum and DP mum up until Monday dinner time!

Don't rush yourself! X

girlmom21 · 03/08/2022 20:09

Your moms massively overreacting but I don't think it's a great hardship letting your parents and his parents visit.

Who's looking after DC1 when you're at the hospital?

My in laws had our DD1 when I was in labour with DD2 so met her the same time as her big sister did. I can't imagine having stopped them.

NewtoHolland · 03/08/2022 20:11

They probably wouldn't be allowed in hospital anyway because of covid. It sound like she's feeling hurt, but you are allowed to have boundaries. Hopefully she will summer down and apologise.

Original poster
Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 20:13

My mil was going to watch my son while in labour. But my mother isn’t happy about this so I’m trying to make it fair between both

OP posts:
Whitewolf2 · 03/08/2022 20:18

She sounds a bit like my mum, does she have narcissistic tendencies and blow up at small perceived ‘slights’? Mine has become much worse with age sadly.
if you stick to your guns she’ll have to get over it. I really don’t think anyone would want loads of visitors after birth as she’s suggesting they would, you could reassure her she’ll be one of the very first once you’re ready!

girlmom21 · 03/08/2022 20:19

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 20:13

My mil was going to watch my son while in labour. But my mother isn’t happy about this so I’m trying to make it fair between both

Ok your moms just being a dick then. It doesn't need to fair between who watches him. Just use whoever will be most useful, which sounds like MIL!

MsSquiz · 03/08/2022 20:22

You're asking for 24 hours, not 24 days. People just like to be dramatic!

Fwiw, with dd1 I said I wasn't making arrangements with anyone to visit until we were home so I could see how I felt.
I was home at lunch time, I had a nap and a shower then we had some family round stuff tea time.
With dd2, dd1 was at home with my SIL so they met her first, then we invited others the following day as we didn't want dd1 to be overwhelmed.

Just tell her you'll let her know when you're home, and let her know the day after

Nospringduck · 03/08/2022 20:27

I did have visitors right away but you are not being unreasonable not to want that.

Sounds like your mum is trying to guilt trip you?

I've found with this kind of thing that a good response is to say, well I'm sorry about that ( the moving to France, the not coming at all) but it's your choice mum, and I'll support it. However if you change your mind you are welcome to visit on (insert dates you would be happy for her to come).

AthenaPopodopolous · 03/08/2022 20:29

Goodness me, are you saying your own mother can’t visit? That sounds mean. No wonder she’s upset. Other visitors can wait though.

frangipani13 · 03/08/2022 20:29

We didn’t have any visitors for a while after I had baby number two. We felt it was really important for us to bond as a family of four and for our older child to have a bit of time to adjust. I felt very emotional and all over the place, and just wanted to be in my little bubble for a bit after a week in hospital. After about a week or so I felt ready to face everyone again. Take your time and see people when you’re ready. Your mum sounds like she’s being overly dramatic.

Bluepanda86 · 03/08/2022 20:30

I'm due in October with my 2nd and I made the decision in agreement with my husband early on to limit visitors after labour. Especially after what we experienced with our first child - after we told close family our daughter was born we had 4 members of my family turn up within an hour of her being born and the midwifes having to politely turn them away as I was not in a fit state and I was having stiches in at the time! After 2 days we were allowed to go home my husband got overwhelmed with a household of family members when he just wanted us to settle in....on his 30th birthday 😒.

Maybee21 · 03/08/2022 20:32

Same as another poster said but does your mum have any narcissistic qualities?

This is a gross overreaction from her, you are very much not being unreasonable. You are entitled to take as much time as you want or need after birthing a baby to be on your own with your immediate family, NOBODY is entitled to your baby and it's really not your mums place to start getting an attitude with you because she feels entitled to meet her grandchild at the first possibly opportunity.

Stick to your guns on this one, she's behaving like a spoiled child and she's trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants you to do. She needs to learn to respect your boundaries, whatever they are. And you're only asking for a day for goodness sake.
I've told mine and OH families that if we have another we won't be accepting visitors for at least a week, I felt so overwhelmed by the stream of guests last time that did nothing but take my baby from me whilst I was grappling with PNA and me and OH rushing round making tea for everyone etc etc, people overstaying their welcome, it's just not something I'd allow again.

You're well within your rights on this one, don't let her guilt you into doing what she wants.

Goodnewsday · 03/08/2022 20:32

She sounds exactly like my mum, the exact way she is downplaying what you’re saying and trying to brush it off as daft. I had the same experience first time round and this time I’m going as far as to say no visitors at all the first week. If I decide I can cope with a 20 minute visit earlier than that then we can let them know but for me it was the in-laws who had no regard for me having just given birth and wanted to stay for their usual 4 hour visit while I literally sat on the sofa yawning and feeling like I was bleeding to death 😩 never again

Viostep · 03/08/2022 20:34

Your mum is being ridiculous. You'll have just gone through labour, have a brand new baby and be getting used to being a new family of four. I'd be tempted to just not tell her the baby was born until you're ready for visitors and your first child has met their sibling first.

Shame on her for trying to make your special moment all about her and causing you stress. Babies don't spoil, she can wait a day (at the very least) to meet them. If she wants to throw a temper tantrum and cut her nose off to spite her face just ignore her

SpangledShambles · 03/08/2022 20:35

My usually reasonable dm and ex-mil went slightly bonkers and jockeyed for position , hurt flounces, loads of crap they didn’t have form for before, when my dcs were born. It wore off and they came to their senses. I’m just hoping to god that I don’t do that when my kids have kids. Is it some kind of insanity that descends or is it avoidable? Both these women are sensible kindly and loving. But I guess they have slight latent flouncing tendencies which came out more strongly at the time of emotional high drama for them. Try not to react to that nonsense and just ask your mum to come round for some special time when it suits you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2022 20:39

Bloody hell, you only want one day! She’s being pathetic and incredibly manipulative.

Whose idea was it there were so many people when you had your first? Wouldn’t be shocked if it was hers. 13 visitors have no place on a postnatal ward for a single mum and baby. That must have been fucking awful for the other mums.

Tell her to stop whinging and if it carries on she’ll be at the bottom of the list. Honestly, you don’t need to be dealing with this.

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/08/2022 20:46

I'm still annoyed with my ex husband for encouraging visitors as soon as my eldest was born, he's 31 now.

Take the rest you need.

Perpop · 03/08/2022 20:47

Don’t tell her baby has arrived, or that you’re home from hospital at least!

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2022 20:47

AthenaPopodopolous · 03/08/2022 20:29

Goodness me, are you saying your own mother can’t visit? That sounds mean. No wonder she’s upset. Other visitors can wait though.

No she isn’t saying that. She’s saying her mother can visit when they’re home.