Mum upset about visiting when baby is born

[Abbiewilliams96]

I’m due baby no2 in 3 weeks. After I had my first son we we’re bombarded with visitors at the hospital the morning after around 13 family member turned up in total even the midwife had to come over and say some of you will have to leave. It also caused arguments between both families so this time I don’t want anyone at the hospital. My in laws have already said that they will visit when we are ready. I had the conversation with my mother today and told her we don’t want visitors as soon as we’re home and just want a day to settle in as a little family and have our special time. My mother got quite annoyed about it. She started saying things like we don’t want want her to see the baby and said well that’s fine I won’t come and visit him at all then. Also said she’s never heard of anyone not wanting visitors straight away and we’re the only ones and it’s silly. She’s said being bombarded with visitors straight after is usually what happens and can’t understand why we don’t want that. Am I being unreasonable?

Your mum needs to grow up. Agree with the suggestion to turn her words back on her to show her how unreasonable she is being.

The first family member to meet your baby needs to be its sibling, anyhow.

Having read this, she sounds like a right bloody pain in the arse. She needs a different hobby.

I had the traditional babymoon as in no visitors for the first moon (28 days/4weeks) after birth

Traditional where ?
I've not heard of that before and I am on MN far too much a lot and have read many of these threads.

I mean, personally I would have hated that.
I loved that my dc were being welcomed in to the world by my family and dh's family, and then, as time moved on by friends too. I would have been very, very lonely without people popping in to have a cwtch with the baby, a chat, and bring some cake or a meal, or take some washing away or all the other things people did.

If, as and when my DD's have children I'll be inclined to stay out of the way and wait until they are really ready - even if it's weeks - what's the rush!?

Ha! I'd have said that once!

Remember all the things you said you'd do and feel when you were a parent (before you were one)? Well becoming a grandparent is similar, as I found, to my surprise!

Come back to us when your DD is in labour with your first GC. Seriously, I was perfectly chill about it all until that day, and then I turned into a basket case! 😂
I still managed to give her the couple of days she needed, but weeks...?!

Fuck me! After reading your update I’d recommend buying her a subscription to Duolingo French.

Yanbu at all. Stick to your guns.
Make plans to also have certain days she visits...., 6/7 days is ridculous.

Nope you are not being unreasonable. Just like she won't be unreasonable when she doesn't agree to baby sitting requests on your terms either

Does she always go down the emotional blackmail route to get her own way?

I think I'd have to tell her she's being ridiculous.

That's ridiculous. I wouldn't want a football team coming to visit just after I'd given birth. Definitely stand your ground. We didn't have visitors for a few weeks but I had a pretty traumatic time.

How does your DH feel about her commanding so much of your time, OP?

It's certainly not the norm to demand you stay at home for certain days/part of every day for her.

It sounds like she's gotten away with controlling so much of your time that she's astonished at you putting your foot down now.

If I were you I'd be using this opportunity to assert yourself and stand firm, not just over the one day you've requested with your newborn.

YANBU.

After each of the births of my children, I had at least a week without visitors, and it was great - I wish I’d have taken longer.

You are not being unreasonable. Your mother will have to get over it!

Just talk to her about this and tell her you need space and for her to come round less. She’s probably enmeshed and your feeling suffocated. But she sounds like she might be a great support to you. Make sure she’s one of the first to see your new baby though or she will remember being shut out forever.

You’re doing exactly the right thing. Your mum will get over it. With our first, we didn’t have any visitors until day 10. And with our second, I have no idea, 3 weeks maybe? We didn’t live near family then but I’m sure some friends must have come round at some point (it was in winter in the middle of a massive snow storm). My family is overseas and didn’t come until about 6 weeks. It was great btw. I like my own space.

It's totallymily reasonable to not want to be overwhelmed with visitors as you were last time. But surely there's a better solution than a total ban? The precious memory of meeting a newborn grandchild is a very special moment and within a loving and supportive family it's rather weird to want ro prevent it from happening for weeks, and totally ok to lay down groundrules to keep it all low key.

Example ground rules would be -
No surprise/unscheduled visits. All need to be prearranged - though the exact time slot may need to flex depending on what's going on with feeding/changing/sleeping.
No more than 2 visitors at a time
Visitors do not get waited upon. If they need a drink they can bring a thermos flask (but no hot drinks while holding the baby)
Visits to last no more than 30 minutes at a time during the dirst 4 weeks unless you change your mind and feel up to longer visits soomer.

Your dp manages the diary for visits and schedules no more than 3 visits a day with at least 90 minutes gap clear between visits and occasional days of no visitors.

Of course you may have some family members who are so selfish and overbearing that they can't be trusted to follow these rules. But then you have bigger and longer lasting problems with the family dynamics and you would be better to just cut your losses and go nc

My mother comes to my house everyday except for a Saturday and expects me to be there at the same time and if I’m not in she calls and says well you know I come up at this time everyday why are you not home! and gets very funny about if we’re not there.
her moving to france sounds the best outcome, I’d strongly support that. Op, can we help you plan on establishing some boundaries for baby no 2? I think minimum two weekday days a week you Do Not Let Your Mum In The House is a good start and no that doesn’t mean she can take your Saturday. I’d say I am going to do the shopping Monday am and have baby group Tuesday am and I’m not necessarily coming home after, if I do it’s because I want quiet so don’t come around on those days.

@Abbiewilliams96

My mum was the absolute queen of guilt.
It’s like they acquire powers when they have daughters. It’s her job to make you feel guilty.

Do exactly what you want and what you feel is best for you and your little family and let your mum continue to “try” to make you feel guilty.

Just don’t fall for it.

YANBU. We did exactly the same. It's a very personal choice and there should be no guilting. I'd raise this right your Mum in as non-confrontational way as you can, saying: "it's really important to me that you meet him ASAP, but it would mean a lot to me if you could try to understand and accept our reasons for delaying slightly; it's not personal" Of she still applies the guilt tactic, ignore her with complete lack of guilt

My parents (two separate visits as they are not together) hang around for hours when they visit, my mother stays through mealtimes etc and doesn’t take hints. My IL’s bring every man and their dog with them including sick grandchildren so I don’t want visitors until I’m good and ready as I need to be in a good headspace to handle our families.
Put yourself/Partner and your baby first. It’s not about anyone else in those early days.

YANBU.

There are hundreds of thousands of women who want exactly what you want.

Don't let her bully you.

This ^

This is super unhealthy and controlling. You have way bigger issues with your mother than you think. Take her st her word and start sending links to nice French properties, and you need to find a therapist. She’s enmeshed with you in all kinds of problematic ways.

Ehh say what now ?
'Traditional' means a common custom .

Did you mean untraditional? Because in all of my 60 odd years I have never heard of such self absorbed behaviour ! and the only reason to keep extended family away for four weeks would be because they were all deeply unpleasant. (Whereupon I would simply just keep them away)

Hope you never need family for child care !

That’s a bit rude! It’s traditional in many, many parts of the world, particularly in Asia. Maybe it’s not common to you, but it’s certainly practised in many cultures.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_confinement

It's very normal on MN to have no visitors for the first 60 days after your birth so you can 'bond' with your baby. In the real world, most people have their parents visit, just after birth, at the hospital.