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Original poster

Mum upset about visiting when baby is born

171 replies

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 19:57

I’m due baby no2 in 3 weeks. After I had my first son we we’re bombarded with visitors at the hospital the morning after around 13 family member turned up in total even the midwife had to come over and say some of you will have to leave. It also caused arguments between both families so this time I don’t want anyone at the hospital. My in laws have already said that they will visit when we are ready. I had the conversation with my mother today and told her we don’t want visitors as soon as we’re home and just want a day to settle in as a little family and have our special time. My mother got quite annoyed about it. She started saying things like we don’t want want her to see the baby and said well that’s fine I won’t come and visit him at all then. Also said she’s never heard of anyone not wanting visitors straight away and we’re the only ones and it’s silly. She’s said being bombarded with visitors straight after is usually what happens and can’t understand why we don’t want that. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

FIZZYTEDDY · 04/08/2022 19:09

FIZZYTEDDY · 04/08/2022 19:08

Yea I did? Granted it is too much that OPs mum is round at her house every single day (in my opinion) but that's a separate issue..

@IWentAwayIStayedAway

Kite22 · 04/08/2022 19:40

ImAvingOops · 04/08/2022 10:29

I think your partner has the patience of a saint. I'd have done my nut if if I'd come home from work everyday to find my in-laws in my house!
OP I think you do have to listen to what your partner is trying to say to you here and tell your mum and nan that you would like them to phone before coming round. Blame your partner a bit if it helps, as they will take it better if they think it's not wholly coming from you, but you need to establish a culture of them not treating your house as an extension of their own and respecting that you are an adult with your own family and relationships and not completely at their beck and call. It's a difficult conversation to have but if you don't, this will be your life forever.
Not being dramatic but I honestly would have left my husband if he let his mum and dad behave like your do - I wouldn't have been able to take it.

I agree with this.

I also agree with saying now is the time to set boundaries.

Lock the door and do not answer it if they turn up unannounced. Even draw the front room curtains if you think they will peer in. Seriously, they will try and make you feel bad initially but a few weeks of having their time wasted, turning up and not coming in should wear them down.
Don't get into discussion or negotiation just repeat that you would love to see them a couple of times a week at a pre-arranged time.

I opened the thread expecting to think YWBU, but seriously, for the health of your family and relationship with your dh if not for yourself, you need to set some clear boundaries. This isn't about the one day's grace, this is about the suffocating presence in your house constantly.

ZephyrPenguin · 19/08/2022 16:13

Even if you were saying your mother couldn't visit after your baby is born; YOU'RE NOT WRONG!!!! Not everyone has 'wonderfulky perfect mothers' and yours sounds a lot like mine - completely narcissistic and manipulative af. This is YOUR body. YOUR baby. NOT YOUR MOTHERS - she had her time with you and any siblings you may have. She got to make choices of who would be there and when they would see her children. Now it's YOUR time. You're not even asking for that long; 24hrs is nothing compared to some who wait weeks/months before allowing people around their newborns. Frankly; with your mother's behavior and attitude, I wouldn't even allow her around for a whole lot longer than just 24hrs. This obsession people have with thinking that just because someone is 'family' that they should be allowed to every f-ing private moment you have (INCLUDING THE BIRTH AMD BONDING TIME OF YOUR OWN CHILDREN) is RIDICULOUS and TOXIC!!!! IDGAF if your mother is Mother Teresa; that DOESN'T entitle her ANYTHING in life - especially YOUR life.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Brigante9 · 19/08/2022 17:51

Abbiewilliams96 · 04/08/2022 15:10

I spoke to her today and she’s said I’ve upset her and she’s hurt. She said it’s not up to the parents after baby is born to chose who visits it’s up to all the visitors to sort it out between themselves. She’s still not seeing my point of view at all.

@Abbiewilliams96 that’s completely outrageous of her. Of course it’s up to you! If your dp is fed up of her coming round every day, you need to reduce that, why should he put up with that and your gm too?! Help her pack.

DangerouslyBored · 19/08/2022 19:12

AthenaPopodopolous · 03/08/2022 20:29

Goodness me, are you saying your own mother can’t visit? That sounds mean. No wonder she’s upset. Other visitors can wait though.

Goodness me, can you not read? The OP didn’t say that 🙄

OP, I’m expecting my first and I’m telling my parents and my in laws that they can visit the baby at the hospital but then I want no visitors for a week or so, and even then no one staying over for a couple of weeks. No one has a right to see your baby, you call the shots having been through birthing a baby!

CaitoftheCantii · 19/08/2022 19:24

I told everyone that I would have no idea how things would be once I was in labour, and that I’d ring when I, DH and baby were in a fit state - this ended up being a week with DS2…

my mum and mil were thankfully happy to wait until I was a functioning human being again - it was my ex-work colleagues who expected me to bring DS2 into work immediately he’d been born.

PoshHorseyBird · 19/08/2022 19:40

I mean you're just asking for 1 day that's nothing! You haven't told your mother to stay away for weeks on end. Her attitude is ridiculous and frankly childish . In response to her 'well i wont visit at all then' I think I'd just say 'oh ok'. And leave her to her tantrum.

RenegadeMatron · 19/08/2022 19:46

I can’t imagine not wanting to see my Mum immediately afterwards, but she was lovely and very much drama/tantrum-free, so I can see why you might want a day’s breather from yours.

Howtofeelnow · 24/08/2022 19:33

Hope baby’s ok @Abbiewilliams96 and you got sone peace!

LondonLovie · 25/08/2022 17:36

Therealpink · 03/08/2022 20:04

It’s up to you but I couldn’t imagine not letting my parents and DHs parents meet our new babies the first possible opportunity. Whatever about random aunts, uncles and neighbours. So from my perspective I think you’re being very precious and can understand your parents hurt. I

I agree with you, sorry OP. It's just one of those things. Only GPs make sense if there are loads of Aunties and Uncles, and never if Mum or baby are not 100% well. But otherwise it's pure joy

Superfrog3 · 25/08/2022 18:29

A lot of people are saying some very unkind things. The point of all this is its up to OP when people visit. For some people the first possible time is amazing and they love all the attention and the whole buzz of it some people want to have a shower, cup of tea and maybe a couple of days rest, Both are fine.

With my first I was in hospital for 7 days, when I got home I jumped in the shower (because nothing feels better) and then my dad turned up. In all fairness to him he did think I got discharged a lot earlier in the day and left after 5/10 minutes so I could relax but in that moment the last thing I wanted was people round.

EL8888 · 25/08/2022 18:33

“Its silly” that’s a rude and dismissive thing to say to you. Your baby = your rules. I wouldn’t feed into her behaviour. Is she normally so demanding and dismissive?

EL8888 · 25/08/2022 18:37

I just read your updates: yes she is normally demanding. Of course it’s up to the parents who visits?! I would use this as a chance to reset boundaries and knock her coming round most days on the head. That is too much! I’ve had a tough day at work and much as l like my MIL, l didn’t want her in my house when l get home

DawnShakhar · 23/09/2022 16:31

I hope your birth went well, and you stood firm about visitors.

Just to strengthen your case: When our older daughter gave birth to her first daughter, far from being at the hospital, our job was to pick up their dogs from their house and keep them for a week. We only got to see our granddaughter after a few days. But hey - this was about our daughter, our son-in-love and our granddaughter and their needs, not about us! We very quickly bonded with our granddaughter, despite only meeting her when she was a few days old, and our relationship with our daughter and son-in-love is warm and happy.

Don't let your mother gaslight you, then, now or ever!

PugInTheHouse · 23/09/2022 16:58

Surely the easiest thing would be to allow a short visit in the hospital from your mum and your in laws, 13 people at the hospital is ridiculous.

The thing is I could never imagine my mum not visiting immediately but its easy to forget not all parents are nice people with reasonable boundaries.

I was happy with lots of visitors and no one outstayed their welcome or caused an issue. Personally I don't really understand the need for days/weeks to bond as a family, you have a lifetime for that. Visiting a newborn is a really precious time for grandparents, family and close friends but if they will cause a problem and be disrespectful then that's different.

MiseryWIthAStent · 23/09/2022 17:03

My mum was like this, she told my whole family to come over, I was in hospital with a catheter in after tearing through my clitoris and my bladder not working properly and trying to breastfeed and we ended up with 18 family members in and it was so embarrassing because everyone in the bay was looking at me like I was a twat and embarrassing because I wanted to not be bombarded with family members whilst feeling really vulnerable. Really laid the law down next time and she sulked but she did end up listening.

PugInTheHouse · 23/09/2022 17:10

Just seen this isn't that new, not sure why its resurrected. I hope you sorted things OP and have suitable boundaries in place with your mum now.

Maray1967 · 30/11/2022 08:32

Put your foot down now . We had no one the first day when DS was born at midday. I’d had a second degree tear and no sleep for two nights. DH told MIL they could come the next day - but they couldn’t as they were at a wedding. So it had to be day 3.She expressed some disappointment but was fine when they came on day 3 - because she understood why we asked them not to come three hours after the birth. Your mum is being ridiculous.

Softplayhooray · 30/11/2022 08:35

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 20:07

She’s making me doubt myself and having me feel guilty. Especially saying you must be the only people I know to not want visitors right away. I didn’t think she would react so badly. She even went as far as saying she’s going to move to France and then none of us will see her, I mean think that was a bit over the top 😃

Jesus sounds great, imagine the immediate removal of drama from your life if she did 😄. Enjoy your newborn OP and try to ignore her ridiculous tantrums. It's the last thing you need when you have a little baby to look after!

JeniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 30/11/2022 08:37

@Maray1967 bit late to put her foot down I would have thought. Baby was due in August.

ZenNudist · 30/11/2022 08:44

I'd let the grandparents come to hospital.

As for the rest of the family I understand not wanting to be bombarded but actually is easier to just host them at the hospital where you don't have to make them a cuppa and there's a nurse to act as bouncer within limited hours.

They are showing they care. Seeing your baby is not some big reward for them. You get time with your immediate family enough you don't need bonding time straight away as long as you've got time to breastfeed in peace.

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