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Original poster

Mum upset about visiting when baby is born

171 replies

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 19:57

I’m due baby no2 in 3 weeks. After I had my first son we we’re bombarded with visitors at the hospital the morning after around 13 family member turned up in total even the midwife had to come over and say some of you will have to leave. It also caused arguments between both families so this time I don’t want anyone at the hospital. My in laws have already said that they will visit when we are ready. I had the conversation with my mother today and told her we don’t want visitors as soon as we’re home and just want a day to settle in as a little family and have our special time. My mother got quite annoyed about it. She started saying things like we don’t want want her to see the baby and said well that’s fine I won’t come and visit him at all then. Also said she’s never heard of anyone not wanting visitors straight away and we’re the only ones and it’s silly. She’s said being bombarded with visitors straight after is usually what happens and can’t understand why we don’t want that. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 11:59

OP i don't think your being unreasonable your asking her to wait a day or 2 not a week or two

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:02

To add my mum lived a couple hrs away and didn't get to visit us until about 3/4 days later due to logistics
I had visitors at the hospital but just a couple and when I was ready

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:14

Also yes you need to chat with your family about excessive visits especially when your dh is home
You may want them to pop in during day for lunch etc but then they can leave so not their every night when your dh comes home
One or twice a week maybe evening visit on your invite
My mum comes round a fair bit now as they have moved closer but mostly when its just me here , or they may nip in for a quick cuppa once a week when dh is here , otherwise its only when invited when dh and I are both home

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greenacrylicpaint · 04/08/2022 12:20

a bit drastic - but we moved 300 miles away to put distance between us.
that was really good fof my mental health.

feelthefear83 · 04/08/2022 13:15

ImAvingOops · 03/08/2022 21:11

Oh give over @feelthefear83 . The OP hasn't said her mum is a terrible person or anything. She might be a bit difficult but she is the OP's mother. Personally I wouldn't deliberately hurt my mum's feelings for the sake of a little visit.

Oh please. Why should the OP's mother's feelings go ahead of the new mum and her baby exactly? The OP should do what she needs to look after her own mental well-being at this time. And if her mum has any empathy she will understand that.

FictionalCharacter · 04/08/2022 14:03

Good grief, your mum AND your Nan are in your house all the time? Time to put a stop to that if you want anything like a normal life. They think they own you, your home and your kids.
Have all the PPs saying she’s just a doting granny read all OP’s posts? This woman threatened to never see them again and leave the country if she didn’t get her own way. She’s in OP’s house 6 days a week. She doesn’t allow her daughter to make plans two days every week because they are “her” days. She brought 3 other people to the hospital with her last time. Now her daughter wants one single day before a visit and this woman has thrown a tantrum. Does this sound like a normal mum and grandmother, let alone a loving one?
People are saying OP is being mean to her but will still want free childcare. Does this woman sound like someone who will offer free childcare?!
Well done @Abbiewilliams96 , stick to your guns.

megletthesecond · 04/08/2022 14:07

Yanbu. Do what suits you.
still raw over excessive visitors when my 15yr old was born.

FictionalCharacter · 04/08/2022 14:25

megletthesecond · 04/08/2022 14:07

Yanbu. Do what suits you.
still raw over excessive visitors when my 15yr old was born.

I think this has hit a nerve with a lot of us. Sure, some had easy births and have nice normal parents, and those people see nothing wrong with their lovely families turning up very soon after the birth and being nice. Some of us had a hard time, and when you feel like your body’s been torn up, you’re weak from blood loss and you barely know where you are, and your baby’s in special care or NICU, the last thing you need is a crowd of self-centred relatives in your face. And in the case of a certain one of mine, talking about herself and her woes for the entire visit. I never got over it either. To be honest, I actually felt jealous when other mums on the ward had visitors they were clearly pleased to see, had brought gifts and food, and basically talked in a pleasant, normal way that I’d never known.

sleepyheadsss · 04/08/2022 14:54

Flipping heck - we didn't want anyone round for days!! We actually wanted about a week to ourselves but people started visiting about 4 days later.
Your mum is being really petty saying she won't visit at all then. Don't let her guilt trip you into doing something you're not comfortable with.
I really wouldn't have wanted anyone visiting in those first couple of days. Absolutely no one.

Original poster
Abbiewilliams96 · 04/08/2022 15:10

I spoke to her today and she’s said I’ve upset her and she’s hurt. She said it’s not up to the parents after baby is born to chose who visits it’s up to all the visitors to sort it out between themselves. She’s still not seeing my point of view at all.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2022 15:18

She sounds unhinged. Of course it’s up to the parents. It’s not up to anyone else.

Try and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the best chance you have of doing that is to give her a wide berth for the next 3 weeks.

She’s been explicit in her lack of care, respect and consideration for you, your DH and your children and no one needs that stress in their lives, least of all at the end of a pregnancy.

christmas2022 · 04/08/2022 15:22

Abbiewilliams96 · 04/08/2022 15:10

I spoke to her today and she’s said I’ve upset her and she’s hurt. She said it’s not up to the parents after baby is born to chose who visits it’s up to all the visitors to sort it out between themselves. She’s still not seeing my point of view at all.

She said it's not up to the parents of the baby and the people whose house it is when they have people visit?

She said that??!!!!

She needs to hear herself and realise what a lunatic she sounds like.

Do not get sucked in by it. Even now if you decide you're up to visitors on that first day, I think you should stand your ground to make this the start of your boundary setting journey.

ImAvingOops · 04/08/2022 15:25

She is sounding batshit crazy now OP. I really do think you and dh are going to need to be more blunt.

Tippexy · 04/08/2022 15:25

Lindasllama · 04/08/2022 05:43

Ehh say what now ?
'Traditional' means a common custom .

Did you mean untraditional? Because in all of my 60 odd years I have never heard of such self absorbed behaviour ! and the only reason to keep extended family away for four weeks would be because they were all deeply unpleasant. (Whereupon I would simply just keep them away)

Hope you never need family for child care !

Show quote history

Don’t be so rude. @Discovereads is possibly Japanese, where this is traditional.

Seraphina1993 · 04/08/2022 15:49

I've never understood people who expect to see peoples babies straight away. I suppose some people like to feel 'involved' like 'ooo we're visiting x in hospital to see the baby' like it's a big event for them. I think it makes them feel special and then they take it all personal when you put your foot down and say no actually I don't want you here just yet.

It's your baby and your body which needs privacy and recovery and not prying eyes and endless questions when all you want to do is sleep.

It's absolutely for you to decide who visits and when. The baby will still be tiny and cute at 1 week old or 2 weeks old or whenever you feel ready for visitors.

FIZZYTEDDY · 04/08/2022 15:54

I mean you're perfectly entitled to choose who visits and when and you have your reasons. It's your baby and your house.

However

I'm not surprised your mum is upset. It's just because she loves you and can't wait to meet her new grandchild. My mum would be upset too..and if I started telling my family (who I am super tight with) that I wanted a few days to settle in with no visitors they'd think I was a being a bit precious.

I know women who moan on and ON about visitors in those first few days and how they didn't want them and all they wanted to do was lounge about in their pjs with their baby...I just couldn't relate, I was so ecstatic to show off my beautiful little son to my closest family.. each to their own I guess...I really didn't see it as that big a deal when friends and family visited.

GreenManalishi · 04/08/2022 16:09

Her reaction tells you that you've got all the more reason to stick to your guns and ask for no visitors until you are ready. This is a "her" problem, not yours. As for 13 visitors round a bed, no wonder you want a bit of time. Take as much as you need, stand your group and insist your DP backs you.

girlmom21 · 04/08/2022 16:17

Abbiewilliams96 · 04/08/2022 15:10

I spoke to her today and she’s said I’ve upset her and she’s hurt. She said it’s not up to the parents after baby is born to chose who visits it’s up to all the visitors to sort it out between themselves. She’s still not seeing my point of view at all.

Tell her it's absolutely up to the parents and if she can't respect that she won't be one of the visitors who needs to work out a schedule at all.

greenacrylicpaint · 04/08/2022 16:19

I hope she doesn't have a key Shock

if she does, change the locks.

sleepyheadsss · 04/08/2022 16:21

She's saying it's not up to the parents? What on Earth is she on about?! Course it's up to you whether or not you want people in your house! You're asking for a day! Not a year!!!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 04/08/2022 16:22

@FIZZYTEDDY did you read all the op"s posts?

Lollypop701 · 04/08/2022 16:46

Your mum basically said ‘I’m going to run away and you’ll never see me again (then you’ll be sorry!!!) - did she stamp her feet at the same time! Sorry but she is completely dictating your life and saying no and meaning it could be the start of your own life. Be prepared for her to turn up anyway… tell hospital no visitors and shut your curtains and lock your doors.

DrunkenKoala · 04/08/2022 16:49

Does she realise that as an adult YOU are in charge of YOUR life, not her?

BakewellGin1 · 04/08/2022 18:03

Wow.... I think now is the time for some boundaries. We had similar but with MIL.

My MIL (who we are now NC with) was like this. Wanted to be first to see baby, first to hold baby, change baby, dress baby and so on... She was in the hospital canteen for the full 24 hours I was in before and during birth to try and trump everyone else.

Once home she demanded she had baby two afternoon/evenings per week and a full day at weekend. We disagreed over sleep, feeding, discipline (when toddler age)

If she knew DC wanted something she would go straight and buy it so she would be 'favourite'

Phoned 7am and 7pm and if I didn't answer would arrive at my house within an hour demanding to know if there was a problem

Questioned if anyone else ever looked after baby why she wasn't asked first and so on...

Honestly put your foot down now and stick to it. She ruined her relationship with her DS and grandchildren being this way.

FIZZYTEDDY · 04/08/2022 19:08

Yea I did? Granted it is too much that OPs mum is round at her house every single day (in my opinion) but that's a separate issue..

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