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Original poster

Mum upset about visiting when baby is born

171 replies

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 19:57

I’m due baby no2 in 3 weeks. After I had my first son we we’re bombarded with visitors at the hospital the morning after around 13 family member turned up in total even the midwife had to come over and say some of you will have to leave. It also caused arguments between both families so this time I don’t want anyone at the hospital. My in laws have already said that they will visit when we are ready. I had the conversation with my mother today and told her we don’t want visitors as soon as we’re home and just want a day to settle in as a little family and have our special time. My mother got quite annoyed about it. She started saying things like we don’t want want her to see the baby and said well that’s fine I won’t come and visit him at all then. Also said she’s never heard of anyone not wanting visitors straight away and we’re the only ones and it’s silly. She’s said being bombarded with visitors straight after is usually what happens and can’t understand why we don’t want that. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 03/08/2022 21:50

Times have certainly changed. I never dreamt of barring visitors to the hospital when I had my children and in the main it was okay. The only comment I would make is new dads and mums cannot have their cake and be eating it. Don't be going banning mum from visiting but expect her to take up the free childcare harness because you say you cannot afford.

Original poster
Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 21:52

all I’m asking is just for a day to settle in and have some special time for our little family and our son to have time with his new brother and I don’t know how I’ll be feeling and how my labour will go. I never wanted to upset my mother at all. I just really don’t want to be bombarded like last time especially the 13 family members who turned up. My mam brought my Nan, granddad and great aunty with her to the hospital the day after. My dad and dads friend turned up, my aunty and uncle were there and then we had all my partners family too it was to much. That’s why this time I just want our space just for a day.

I feel like my relationship with my mum isn’t great right now as we don’t have any time for our little family now.
My mother comes to my house everyday except for a Saturday and expects me to be there at the same time and if I’m not in she calls and says well you know I come up at this time everyday why are you not home! and gets very funny about if we’re not there. She also always states Thursday and Friday are her days and we’re not allowed to make plans even though she sees my son everyday. The only time we get to go out and have our family time is a Saturday when she doesn’t come up. My mother has always liked to be very involved so maybe this is why she’s taken it so badly us wanting time with our new baby.
I feel like she doesn’t like it at all if I voice my opinion and what I want.

OP posts:
dizzygirl1 · 03/08/2022 21:54

Thistlelass · 03/08/2022 21:50

Times have certainly changed. I never dreamt of barring visitors to the hospital when I had my children and in the main it was okay. The only comment I would make is new dads and mums cannot have their cake and be eating it. Don't be going banning mum from visiting but expect her to take up the free childcare harness because you say you cannot afford.

FFS! Has op asked for free childcare?
Is ops mum amazing?
We do t know the answers for these.
I banned grandparents until DSD had been to see DD when she was born, why... because the immediate people are the new family unit.
My 'd'm hasn't visited us for almost 12 yrs therefore no free childcare has ever been received, just in case you think I'm having my cake and eating it.

Self obsessed grandparents....wonderful....

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saraclara · 03/08/2022 21:54

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 21:52

all I’m asking is just for a day to settle in and have some special time for our little family and our son to have time with his new brother and I don’t know how I’ll be feeling and how my labour will go. I never wanted to upset my mother at all. I just really don’t want to be bombarded like last time especially the 13 family members who turned up. My mam brought my Nan, granddad and great aunty with her to the hospital the day after. My dad and dads friend turned up, my aunty and uncle were there and then we had all my partners family too it was to much. That’s why this time I just want our space just for a day.

I feel like my relationship with my mum isn’t great right now as we don’t have any time for our little family now.
My mother comes to my house everyday except for a Saturday and expects me to be there at the same time and if I’m not in she calls and says well you know I come up at this time everyday why are you not home! and gets very funny about if we’re not there. She also always states Thursday and Friday are her days and we’re not allowed to make plans even though she sees my son everyday. The only time we get to go out and have our family time is a Saturday when she doesn’t come up. My mother has always liked to be very involved so maybe this is why she’s taken it so badly us wanting time with our new baby.
I feel like she doesn’t like it at all if I voice my opinion and what I want.

Good grief. EVERY DAY? How can you stand that?

I'd make that day a full week, and thoroughly encourage her to go and live in France.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 03/08/2022 22:01

Just lie to her and say they kept you in overnight for some reason - to make sure baby was feeding well, to keep track of baby’s temp for an extra night because you had group B strep, or extend any real reasons you might be kept in a little longer - so if they keep you in overnight because of mild jaundice pretend it was 2 nights.

Kite22 · 03/08/2022 22:05

If you like her coming round every day, then stopping her seems odd.
If you don't like her coming round every day then do something about it.

I can't understand why you let her dictate what you can or cannot do, or when you can or can't go out.

ImAvingOops · 03/08/2022 22:12

Everyday is really full on. Honestly I don't know how you cope with that.
Tbh that changes things for me, but I don't think the visit post birth is the main issue here, it's all the other stuff. I think instead of getting too hung up on whether she visits on day one (although I would insist it's just parents not 13 relatives), you'd be better off putting a stop to the daily visits and the commandeering of certain days!
You do need to claim your life back.

My ils were a bit like this and we had to say to them that we were feeling it was a bit much and we did get them to phone before coming and arrange mutually convenient times. Mil still had a tendency to try and commit us to one day that was 'hers' but it was more manageable once we got brave and had a more honest conversation.

Imissprosecco · 03/08/2022 22:29

It might (hopefully!) be the case that the birth goes a lot quicker than your first so you might be home sooner than you were last time. When I had DC2 we had no visitors at the hospital as we were home just over 4 hours after the birth! If I was you I'd hold off on telling her until you're home and reasonably settled, because it sounds like she'll just rock up anyway.

DonnyBurrito · 03/08/2022 22:29

Do what you want. Your mum is being an overbearing fruit loop. Jesus, back in the day it was okay to do lot of horrible shit to women and they just had to deal with it. Nowadays we're allowed to say actually, that's not what I wan. Enjoy having the choice!

daretodenim · 03/08/2022 22:40

YADNBU.

It's your time. You don't get it back. She had her time. Do what you want.

As someone who went through similar I can advise that when people visit, the trick about keeping your PJs on is brilliant. When you're up and dressed and even have makeup on for visitors they stay longer. In your dressing gown they don't overstay. And if they do it's much easier to say you're tired and excuse yourself than when you're looking great!

JennyForeigner · 03/08/2022 22:41

Christ, your mum sounds like a living bloody nightmare.

Insist that she does actually move to France or you will sue her for breach of promise. That clarification is misery level creepy.

LondonLovie · 03/08/2022 22:42

Awww she just wants to see the Grandbaby. I do get it. You'd have had held my DM and DMIL back from not visiting in the hospital. Literally desperate to see both our little ones when they were born. Our rule was just 20 mins high at the hospital and then visit when we got home the give us a few days to settle. It was fine, they are just all so in love. No other family until week after though

2pinkginsplease · 03/08/2022 22:45

I couldn’t imagine not letting my mum visit me or her new grandchild on the day they are born, I personally preferred having both mums visit us at the hospital and then give us space when we got home.

the hospital had a strict visiting time meaning people couldn’t outstay their welcome. If they visit you at home they might not take the hint to leave. 1 st child I had everyone and their granny visit , 2 new child I had my gran, our parents , and one of my aunts and uncles who I’m extremely close to, we had little visitors due to my friend turning up with her husband, 2 children and outstaying their welcome.

Louisall · 03/08/2022 22:46

YANBU at all. Your mum should be supportive and understanding of you, not make you feel bad. She is being very immature.

The4teddybears · 03/08/2022 22:47

“”No YANBU at all. I had the traditional babymoon as in no visitors for the first moon (28 days/4weeks) after birth.””
Ive never heard of this but what a fabulous idea.
If I had my time again I’d like to hire a cottage in the middle of nowhere for 2 weeks and go there.
Just the 3 of us , it Would be wonderful .

Chasingclouds100 · 03/08/2022 22:48

When my first child was born we had over 100 visitors in the first two weeks and a lot of them expected to be fed and stayed hours - it was exhausting and it definitely made settling into a routine very hard. With my second child 18 months later I think less than half of them visited in the first two weeks. Please do whatever you think is best for your family. Your Mum will come round to the idea I’m sure. Oh and congratulations!

Minimalme · 03/08/2022 22:52

Call her bluff. Tell her maybe it's best she doesn't visit at all if she can put the needs of a newborn baby and his Mother before her own wants.

Or tell her to fuck off. I have no patience left with entitled people anymore. My own Mother has worn me out.

Rowen32 · 03/08/2022 22:53

You really need to set more boundaries, that's way too much involvement during the week...
For the new baby I would just say I'm coming home on Thursday if you're coming home on Wednesday and get your day that way..

Minimalme · 03/08/2022 22:54

If she can't

twoandcooplease · 03/08/2022 22:54

I could have written this myself in September. It was my mil and silently my dm wasn't very pleased either. I wish I saw her right away

What then ended up happening is they both got told to come the day after we were home and unfortunately mil got there first. I am still so upset it wasn't my mum and will hold it against my DP forever as he knew I wanted mum first and if I'd just let her come she would have been. That can't ever be changed now

My advice - do see your mum first when you get home. When my head came out the fog I realised, her baby has just had a baby and that's massive. She'll have gone through sk many emotions worrying for you. She will definitely be wanting to hug you just as much as she wants to meet baby xx

twoandcooplease · 03/08/2022 23:02

Sorry I'm just catching up and have read more about your mum. Ignore my last reply. She will be worried still but I don't think you should let her overstep your boundaries. She's already too much
But ... Your mum will still see it as your mil being more involved in the new baby because
1 she is looking after dc1
2 she will be dropping off dc1 to meet his new brother and will meet new baby then too (even if this doesn't happen she'll still feel unequal)

Seriously I stressed myself out so much and it ruined my whole coming home with crying and depression trying to make everyone feel they were being treated the same

larkstar · 03/08/2022 23:15

YANBU at all. Maybe the buzz of lots of excited visitors suits some people but I much preferred it when our 2nd DD was born at home - it was just so quite and peaceful and special to be alone at home for a few days getting used to the idea that we were now 4 and not 3 anymore. We didn't see anyone until Sat and Sun. For us it was a very private and emotional time - we just wanted time to ourselves - hopefully your mum (and everyone else) will accept it - you do what you feel is right for you.

If, as and when my DD's have children I'll be inclined to stay out of the way and wait until they are really ready - even if it's weeks - what's the rush!? They are there for life.

larkstar · 03/08/2022 23:17

@Abbiewilliams96 I hope it all goes well for you and DC2!

StClare101 · 03/08/2022 23:23

No. Ignore the histrionics.

RedCardigan · 03/08/2022 23:23

Fuck no. Even more so after your update.
start now saying actual you need to be more flexible, Thursday and Friday aren’t her days; you can book in an afternoon or two a week in advance but you are free to come and go as you please. I would have knocked this in the head months ago. She feels entitled to you and your lives. They are yours to live